Thursday, October 25, 2007

Crazy (But That's How It Goes)

I really try to not use this blog as a forum to file my work-related grievances because, well, I'm fairly sure no one finds that sort of blog in any way interesting. As far as I'm concerned, you all would much rather read a bunch of poop jokes coupled with tales of drunkenness that are as pathetic as they are grossly exaggerated; that's been my formula for (meager) success for over a year and a half and I see no reason to change it now. Except... okay, there's this one thing going on here at the office that I can't keep inside my attractive, well-shaped head any longer. In the words of singer/songwriter/religious-fanatic Cat Stevens, I've gotta let it out, I've got to show the world, world's gotta see.

The issue? The guy who sits behind me is crazy. And not like, "Oh, he so crazy... he's always crackin' wise and busting out that hilarious Borat impression." No, he's crazy like, "Oh, he's been carrying on a conversation with himself for the last fifteen minutes and, what's more, he seems to think that no one can hear him. Shit, he's looking this way! Is that a knife?!?! AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!"

Ahem...

Anyway, yeah, the guy behind me... we'll call him "Roy," since I don't know anyone by that name... is out of his mind in much the same way that Pluto is out of we Earthling's line of sight. Dig that cat, he's real gone.

It's mainly the "talks to himself" thing. I wasn't joking up there when I mentioned that Roy will carry on a conversation with himself for long stretches of time. It's true. In fact, he's doing it right now while I type this. It sounds like he's currently debating the merits of mailing a document versus faxing it and, I don't know, it doesn't seem like there's going to be any easy answers on this one. He's really concerned about it getting lost in the mail, but then again... dammit... he's worried that the image quality on the fax will be far inferior due to our office's sub par machine.

I'm not joking, he's still talking about this! WITH HIMSELF!!! Seriously, it's like someone set up my cubicle in the background of any scene in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

So, naturally, and in an effort to maintain my own sanity, I've decided to retaliate. Roy's not the only one who can confound, irritate, and frighten people with his craziness; I took theater classes for like fifteen years and I can bust out some mad acting skills any time I want. What? Why are all of you laughing? It's because of the "I took theater classes for fifteen years" thing, isn't it? Yeah well, I got three words for you: Easy Theater Chicks.

*SNAP*

I also took tap lessons for eight years; you wanna fight about it? I will shuffle-ball-change all over your face!!! BRING IT OOOOOWWWWNNN!!!

Anyway, here's what I've come up with:

-I think it's about time me and my tape dispenser started a very public, very messy relationship. We're talkin' mucho PDA (with tongue), gross pet names, and at least one screaming, tear-soaked fight per week. Followed, of course, by some very public, very messy make-up sex.

-Mondays and Wednesdays, I'm workin' topless. Tuesdays and Thursdays, bottomless. Fridays? Nude as the day I was born, which was just unbelievably nude. Too nude, some would say.

-White Out shots.

-Over the span of a couple of weeks, I'm going to slowly turn my cubicle into a shrine devoted to his high holiness, Rev. Skippy McApplefriar. Who is Rev. Skippy McApplefriar? Why, he's the tiny man who lives in my back molar, of course. He tells me things about the government. Secret things.

-I'm going to start working more efficiently, thus improving my productivity and labeling me as a "go-getter." And I'm going to do it all while communicating entirely through hand-puppets.

Yep, Roy's never going to see me coming. Especially since he'll be too busy conversing with himself to notice.

11 Comments:

Anonymous David said...

If he is like Pluto then he has to be crazy. Wouldn’t it drive you nuts to be a planet one day then just a hunk of rock the next?
I actually started to develop a story line where one of the characters on casual Fridays goes around naked.
Keep up the good crazyness work

10:11 AM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

well shit, why didn't I come up with this idea?

hang on..my paperclips just asked me out on a date. i don't know if i'm ready for this whole "plyamory with paperclips" thing, but i'mma give it a shot.

1:04 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Try stapling things to your computer. When that doesn't work, try stapling things to Roy's computer.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... Yeah, Pluto was real pissed. That's whai I heard, anyway. You know how Jupiter loves to gossip.

Moxie... I hope you and your paperclips are as happy as me and my tape dispenser.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... I'm afraid to go near; I think he might try kill me. Or worse, talk to me.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

I have a neighbor that does this. We discovered her talking to her laundry one day as she was taking it off the line in her back yard.

She also often starts conversations with us (ones we are eager to get out of). At some point, she stops actually talking TO us. It just turns into rambling. My new defense is to walk away.

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

I also have a crazy neighbor lady. She has two golden retrievers that I assume she enters in dog shows or something? Anyway, she won't let anyone park in front of her house - she puts a folding lawn chair in "her" parking spot when she leaves (which has written all over it in black marker "DO NOT MOVE THIS CHAIR - IT IS NOT YOURS!!!"). And she often wanders out of her house at all hours of the day or night to walk up to her truck, look at it, touch the window, back away, touch the door, back away, walk all the way around it, inspect it, touch the window again, and then go back inside. Maybe she's just crazy OCD lady or something. And she's always mumbling to herself. (Or at least to her dogs anyway) Weird. We call her Golden Retriever Lady. *nods*

2:21 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... We totally have a lady like that in our building. She's like the terrorist of conversations because talking to her is like being held hostage. I just started being really rude to her all the time; that shut her up.

Giggleloop... That's hilarious! I'd just pull a comfy chair up to the window and watch the show, all the time. Crazy people are so entertaining when they're not trying to bite your face off.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

Sorry this has been hijacked for the purpose of crazy neighbor ladies, but I also have to mention the neighbor that wanted a fenced-in front yard. So she bought sections of fence and propped them up with lawn chairs around the edge of her property.

Apparently, there is no short supply of crazy people in the world.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I'm sorry, I live in Brooklyn... what are these "yards" that you speak of?

4:45 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

Far, far from Brooklyn.

They're nasty. You have to mow them.

5:27 PM  

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