Wednesday, October 24, 2007

NOT Worth Your Valuable Time

NOTE: This edition of "NOT Worth Your Valuable Time" contains no discussions of horse fucking. I'm sure most of you are relieved by that fact, and for the few that aren't... well... there are other sites on the internet that might serve your interests better than ZFS!.



Ugh, people. Seriously... ugh.

In the interest of full disclosure, let me come right out and say that Girlfriend and I didn't even finish watching this movie before we yanked it from our DVD player, stuffed it in it's Netflix envelope, and cast it back into the wretched hell from whence it came (the Netflix distribution depot in Flushing, NYC, as best we can tell). But trust me, gentle and impressive readers, the whole movie didn't need to be seen for us to make an accurate judgement call.

Because The Number 23 is bad. Baaaaad. Like, you know how when you're in a car or on a train and you suddenly really have to take a dump, but you're way far from home and you realize that you're going to have to do the iron-squeeze with your cheeks for at least twenty minutes and it feels like your entire body is trying to turn itself inside-out? The act of watching The Number 23 is just like that feeling, but without the resulting, satisfying end that feels like the bowel-related equivalent of jumping off a high rock into a cool, tropical lagoon.
The main problem, much as I like the guy, is Jim Carrey. He's so painfully miscast as this dark, troubled character, you could literally put any other actor in his place and the movie would instantly improve. We're talking anyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Jonathan Lipnicki to Don Knotts, here. And yes, I know Don Knotts is dead... that's my point! The corpse of Don Knotts would have been more suited to the role than Jim Carrey. All of his past dramatic roles have always been darker variation on his affable, good-guy persona; this role is something completely different, and not something that he's anywhere near capable of handling. He has to be a "bad ass" at one point; a tough-talking cop on-the-edge who's seen it all... not kidding, it's funnier than Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.
Anyway, yeah... The Number 23 sucks out loud. Don't bother, unless you're really drunk or a really big fan of movies with numerical titles. May I also suggest Seven?

8 Comments:

Anonymous Just Saying said...

The actor had to be Jim Carrey because if you take his name break the letters down into number equivalents and divide it by this and times it by that minus another number it comes out to 23. That is why he got the part. Plus the fact that he was the only actor not afraid of getting ink poisoning from the writing on his face they had to do to get that weird picture.

3:32 PM  
Blogger RC Cola! said...

The above comment is pretty hilarious.

Looks like I'll be taking this off of my Netflix queue.

5:57 PM  
Anonymous Chris w said...

I read an article in Radar magazine about Jim Carrey and his big bust as an A-List actor. According to that article, he actually believes in the weird shit surrounding the number 23 or some other nonsense like that.

He'll always be in my heart for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (easily in my top 10 movies of all time).

9:54 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

Chris W... I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind too.

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

Two words, dear ol' buddy C-Dog: Joel Schumacher. 'Nuff said. Guy could not make a decent movie to save his life. Ugh.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous chris w said...

giggleloop:

As much as I generally hate Joel Schumacher, the movie Falling Down he made with Michael Douglas is a pretty damn fine movie. It's over the top but not in a typically Schumacher-ian way.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

OK, well that's one then. One decent movie. Out of how many? :)

10:45 AM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Clinton, when you're right, you're right. that movie sucked ass.

4:04 PM  

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