Your Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame Nominees
The Beastie Boys - Now these guys, I'd be okay with. There's not a single person my age who doesn't own a copy of "Licence to Ill," and "Paul's Boutique" was about as close to a masterpiece as you can get without oil paints and a nice frame. Their last couple of albums have been worthless to varying degrees, and every time I see Mike D wandering around the Village, I have a strong urge to help him find a homeless shelter so he can get a hot cup of soup, but you know... not everyone can be perfect and young forever. Really though, their across-the-board stellar music videos should be reason enough to punch their ticket to Cleveland.
Donna Summer - "Bad Girls" was a pretty good song. "She Works Hard For The Money" was okay, if you like that sort of thing. And... did she have any other songs? And "I Will Survive" doesn't count, because Gloria Gaynor did it first, better. She did have some pretty intense hair, though. I'll give her that.
Chic - Really? The "Le Freak" people? Does the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame owe Chic some money? Because I can't think of another reason for them to be here. Please, kids, correct me if I'm missing out on some deep, rich mine of musical genius here.... but I'm not, am I?
Afrika Bambaataa - I know nothing about him other than he looks like an absolute lunatic and he's so guilty of abusing the letter "A," he should be thrown in Alphabet Jail and never, ever let out.
Leonard Cohen - Yes! One nominee that I can wholeheartedly throw my entire, considerable weight behind. Love his music, love how shitty it makes me feel, love how old and weird he is now... love everything about him except for the fact that he's one of those artists that other musicians name-check as an influence out of habit, even though their music sounds nothing like his. I mean, Bono goes on and on about Leonard Cohen like he co-wrote "The Joshua Tree," which is great except that we all know Bono only heard about Leonard Cohen two years ago when he was Googling: "what+will+give+me+more+rocker+ cred+so+I+don't+look+like+such+a+pop+weenie."
The Dave Clark Five - They were famous for not being The Beatles, which you wouldn't think is something upon which a group could build a career. Turns out, totally the case. I'm sure they were excellent and stuff, but I had to hit Wikipedia to see what songs they'd sung, so there you go.
The Ventures - Obligatory instrumental band that everyone is supposed to like, but never actually gets listened to.
John Mellencamp - Oookay, now... look... I like "Jack and Diane" as much as the next guy, but come the fuck on. Mellencamp? This is like Van Halen getting nominated last year; proof positive that, as I mentioned earlier, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is secretly only about artists that made the most money during the prime of their careers. Mellencamp was a poor-man's Springsteen and I'd love to hear the argument claiming otherwise.