Warning: The following post contains explicit language that is entirely necessary to the plot and, thus, cannot be excluded for the benefit of certain people (my Mother) who have delicate constitutions when it comes to potty-mouths. Besides, we all know that swear words are hilarious.
So I get home last night, rough day, weary is me. Pop open a beer, put on some music and stare into space, broodingly. Then, faintly at first, I hear it; the one thing that could possibly brighten my day and, in one fell swoop, provide me with some much needed entertainment... The first rumblings of a domestic disturbance. And, before you start thinking I'm a horrible person who's getting his ya-yas listening to some lunk beat on his wife, allow me to clarify: What was brewing, one flight down, out on the landing, was a good ol' fashioned, Brooklyn-style, sasstacular ROOMMATE SMACKDOWN!!!
Now, I don't know what the situation is with the people in 3L. I know that there's 3, possibly 4, youngish adults who live there and, apparently, they all hate each other. It's a living situation built on slamming doors, harsh words and a complete disregard for not shouting in public. And it is my favorite soap opera, hands down.
Anyway, back to last night. As soon as I heard them ramping up to full volume downstairs, I immediately turned off the radio and tip-toed to the front door. From the peephole, you can kinda sorta see down onto the landing below; well, you can see their shadows on the wall at least. Which is good enough for me, in a watching-your-screensaver-while-listening-to-music kind of way. So the fight begins...Loud, Sassy Roommate Who Seems To Always Be In The Fights And Is Probably The Source Of The Problem:
(top of her
lungs) You fuckin' bitch, you fucking cunt... what's wrong with you! Why'd you do that... what's wrong with you.Comparatively Meek, But Still Quite Loud Roommate:
You need to calm the fuck down... listen to me... fuck YOU, bitch...!LSRWSTABITFAIPTSOTP:
(louder, if possible
) Fuck you, you bee-yotch!!! You cunt!!!CMBSQLR:
You're crazy... you got problems...!!!
I'll spare you the Mamet-esque dialogue that followed but, suffice to say, they are both bitches, bee-yotches (yes, they actually used that word) and cunts, according to each other. Amid the haze of flung expletives, I was able to discern the cause of all the commotion. Seems CMBSQLR had, in a rather foolish attempt to get LSRWSTABITFAIPTSOTP to talk to her, unplugged LSRWSTABITFAIPTSOTP's computer while she was using it.
Talk about your social foul.
Usually, I tend to side with whomever LSRWSTABITFAIPTSOTP is fighting with, simply because LSRWSTABITFAIPTSOTP is ridiculously shrill and, as her name suggests, seems to always be the one "starting shit." However, in this particular instance, it seems that CMBSQLR was, in fact, the bee-yotch. You just don't do that. If someone were mad at me and, in an attempt to discuss things, they unplugged my computer to get my attention, they would be almost instantly felled by a series of blows to the face and neck. And I'd have no idea what I was doing due to the boiling hate. So uncool.
They continued to rage at each other for about 15 minutes, actually reaching the Wow-I-might-have-to-call-the-cops point before, finally, cooler heads prevailed and they took it inside their apartment, accompanied by a duet of slamming doors. This, of course, raises the question of why the hell they were fighting out on the landing anyway, but whatever.
I could still hear them, a bit, but it was far too indistinct what with them being surrounded by walls now. So I don't know how it all came out in the end. I'd like to assume that there was some hair-pulling and perhaps even some frantic slapping, but I guess I'll never know.
Until, of course, the next installment.