Trite: The Musical

Last night, despite the fact that we're not 15, Em and I subjected ourselves to the Disney Channel original movie, High School Musical. We did this because, eh, we both like musicals and it's a musical and... well... okay, there's really no excuse for two grown-ass adults to watch High School Musical. And yet, there we were, couchward bound, surrounded by delicious food and armored by a thick layer of irony. We were ready for anything.

It was, to put it mildly, a regrettable decision.

Herewith, some notes on High School Musical, presented in bullet point form. It is impossible to form complete thoughts about this movie without blood leaking from ones ears. To it, then:

-The movie's set in New Mexico? The fuck? Why? I'm fairly certain that there's never, ever been a movie set in New Mexico before this and I don't really think we should've started now. It's mean to the folks who've decided to reside there, for one thing. They'll start thinking they're living in the new Hollywood and before you know, they've got all their fancy turquoise jewelry out and they've lathered on extra sunscreen and all that's left for them is a crushing disappointment that would fill the Grand Canyon. So thanks a fucking lot, High School Musical. You've dashed New Mexico's dreams.

-I know that musicals are, generally, supposed to present an sparkly clean, ultra-fab world of shiny happy people but... shit. The characters, setting and general attitude of High School Musical make Hello, Dolly look like Rent. Everyone is squeaky clean, impeccably dressed and chaste to a degree not even realistic in the 50's. Real high school is about trying to get as drunk and as laid as possible and no one, not even those who are participating, give that much of a crap about the Big Game or the Big Play. They're too busy trying to get drunk and laid. Again, I know it's a movie, and a Disney movie at that, but even an attempt at realism would have been nice.

-The main character's dad, I'm pretty sure, is acting in an entirely different movie; one were he's got an immense coke problem.

-What is with all the fucking armpit hair? I don't believe I've ever noticed armpit hair before, even my own, but there are at least four shots in this movie that seem to be framed using the a character's hairy armpit as a focal point. It is disturbing, to say the least.

-There's a scene where they all sing and dance in the cafeteria and, while watching it, I was struck with a sense that I was watching something momentous... yet... I couldn't put my finger on it. Then, it hit me: High School Musical just managed to out-gay Fame. Incredible.

-The basketball team are all members of the official Stomp-sponsored boy band. See:



-In trying to figure who needs to shoulder the blame for this movie, I ended up on IMDB and discovered that the director, Kenny Ortega, was the choreographer for Xanadu. So it was really nice to find my answer.

-The main villain, who's character name is Sharpay (that's not even how you spell it; freaks), appears to be about 28 and is the only interesting thing in the movie. Also, the male and female leads have the chemistry and charisma of a large chunk of sheet rock and a bag of make-up, respectively. And all the songs suck. And the dancing is closer to seizures than anything else. And I'm now tired of thinking about this movie.

-Don't see High School Musical, or, rather, don't see it sober.