Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Awesome Old Men 4

NOTE: This is part four in ZFS!'s ongoing celebration of our nation's greatest resource... The Awesome Old Man. You can find parts 1, 2 and 3 here, here, and here respectively.


There's your average, lovable barfly that tells hilarious jokes and smells like a dirty sock with bad breath, and then there's Ernie. He's like the Superman of old alcoholics; legend has it that he once drank three bottles of Irish whiskey in a single hour, then fist fought a cab. Not a cab driver... an actual cab. The fight lasted all night and when people left the bar at dawn, they found Ernie sitting in the middle of the street surrounded by little piles of yellow-painted scrap metal. Sure, he'd pissed himself so many times it looked like he'd fallen into the East River... that's the not the point. The point is that he went back in the bar, locked himself in the basement, and drank the rest of their whiskey while singing Van Morrison tunes at the top of his lungs. Because that's what you do when you're Drunk Jesus.


Every picture Skeeter's ever taken is some variation on the same theme: Look at my huge, pretend dick. It's uncanny the things that he finds to place in front of his package in a comical manner and it's also the reason that he's been barred for life from the Sears Family Portrait studio. None of his children will talk to him anymore and all of his ex-wives hate his guts because he never has enough money to pay alimony (he spends it all on large salamis and bowling balls), but he doesn't care... he's too busy laughing his ass off. It should be noted that Skeeter has a very, very tiny penis.


Despite his appearance and accent, Hans is actually a native of Nevada and, no, he doesn't know why he looks and sounds that. He thinks it's because his parents watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies when he was a kid and that he just kind of got stuck that way because of osmosis, but he's much too busy intensely hating all things that have to do with Asia to really explore his theory. He's been arrested five times for trying to fart on Michelle Kwan, he once set fire to a Panda Express in Costa Mesa, California, and Disney had to sue him for repeatedly making obscene phone calls to their corporate headquarters directed at "that little bitch Mulan." The only things that make him happy are eating cheeseburgers, reading "The Rape of Nanking," and watching that one old John Wayne WWII movie where he punches Tojo in the face.

Swears up and down that the Tommy Lee Jones character in No Country For Old Men was based on him, even though he's not a sheriff and, in fact, has worked in the same feed store in Jacksboro, TX for so many years that he's forgotten how to talk with out a coffee cup in his hand and a sack of cow corn under his wrinkled butt. Also, his family claims that he's never seen the movie No Country For Old Men, nor has he read the book (he only reads Field & Stream), so nobody has any idea what the hell he's talking about. Which is actually just par for the course with Mitchell. It should also be pointed out that he thinks any shirt that isn't plaid is "dang fruity."

Jazzman Jones

Jazzman Jones is most famous for slapping Ella Fitzgerald in the mouth for hitting a flat note during a performance at a Paris nightclub, but he's also well known due to his arrest for doing heroin on top of the Statue of Liberty's head during the 1976 bicentennial fireworks show. During his long and prolific career, he's put out nineteen albums, written five how-to books on a wide range of musical topics, and directed every music video that Christina Aguilera has ever made. It goes without saying, of course, that he can't technically play any instruments and he thinks the greatest song ever written is "Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Loc. Fortunately for him, everyone in the music business is scared of his army of pitbuls, so they let him do whatever.


Blogger surviving myself said...

i would love to hang out with these dudes.

and ella deserved it.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I swear I’ve met Mitchell as he is now the official greeter at the Burleson, TX Wal-Mart. He’s still an ornery old cuss and he’ll spit tobacco juice on your shoe if you don’t accept the smiley face sticker he’s obliged to hand out.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... Yeah, what was her problem? Also, me too, totally. These guys are way better than most of the people I know.

Digital... That sounds like him. Cranky old fart.

11:02 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


My band Sister Kisser®™©™ had a run in with Skeeter at the Sears®™©™ Family Portrait Studio.

SK®™©™ was getting new press photos done. I think we went with the bad ass Brick Wall/Train Tracks Backgrounds.

I can't wait to be an Awesome Old Man.

For real.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Dude..... you are so Skeeter in 50 years!

11:17 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... You and me both, totally. It's the only reason that I'm not killing myself with booze. Well, that and I want to see how LOST ends up.

Midwesterner... I think that might be a photograph of me from my daughter's wedding in the future.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

I love the look on Skeeter's face - like he's never actually taken a picture like this before and it's such a new and great idea.

I also like how his cactus-dick is kind of tilting. Just looks funny.

I pictured Jazzman slapping Ella in the mouth and the whole club just going dead silent, replete with coughs and the squeak of a chair or two being slid out from a cocktail table, and I damn near laughed my own cactus dick off.

12:39 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

mitchell's my favorite here.

mitchell's drunken look of indifference together with your write up is just fuckin funny!! the "dang fruity" line made me laugh out loud.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Alienwhere... That's the charm of Skeeter. Every picture of him with a big fake dick is like a whole new world for him. He can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder...

Jason... It was the perfect storm of old man-based comedy. Thanks!

1:30 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I think I shared a steamroom with all these guys once. Hans is way too handsy.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

The way he tells it, you came on to him.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It should be noted that Skeeter has a very, very tiny penis.

You know this... how, exactly?


8:22 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Um, because I had sex with him. Doye.

11:22 PM  

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