Monday, March 10, 2008

The Snickers Charged Experience

What is it: It's this new kind of Snickers that's got a buttload of caffeine, taurine, and other energy-giving supplements crammed into it, because apparently a wad of chocolate and sugar wasn't giving the people of America a sufficient amount of pep on it's own.
Where did I get it: Girlfriend got it for me, actually, because she knows of and accepts my love of products that contain palpitation-inducing amounts of stimulants. She bought it at Rite Aide, but I'm sure they have it other places as well. Ask your local drug dealer.
When did I eat it: About ten minutes ago.
How was it: Overall, kinda gross. It's starts out like a regular Snickers bar that maybe has a little less caramel than normal. It's like whatever, but then, after a few seconds, a chemical aftertaste kicks in, lingers, and then grows stronger and more powerful with each bite. By the time you're finished, it's like you've just consumed a a candy bar that's been stuck up the asshole of Dow Chemicals, wiped off, then sealed in a shiny silver package. And by "it's like that" I mean "it's exactly that." As for the after-effects, I'm not really feeling anything all that different... although... I *did* just do twenty-seven back flips in a row before punching through the wall of my office and sprinting across the air molecules six stories up to the building next door, which I then proceeded to lift up, twirl around, and then replace upside down while doing a very spirited interpretation of "The Electric Slide." But then again, it is Monday, so who knows if the Snickers Charged had anything do with that.
What have we learned: Leave our fucking candy bars alone, you bunch of confectionery bastards. We like them just the way they are. Also, my eyeballs won't stop vibrating!


Blogger Lioux said...


Did you try dipping your fries in it?!?!

And wait. Wasn't regular Snickers®™©™ supposed to "leave you satisied"℠ enough?

2:27 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Apparently, the makers of Snickers felt that there was room for improvement. They were wrong.

Also, you can't dip a solid in a solid.

(that's what she said)

2:31 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

My girl also brought me home one of those...she's an Account Manager a chain of Convenience stores and got a goody bag from the Mars retailer with these unholy abominations of Snickers bars included in there. It didn't provide me with the same awesome effects as you, but maybe because I could already do all those things naturally. Instead it made me feel like I was mouth raped by that rhino on the packaging faux chocolate horn.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Clinton you truly make me laugh out loud. Hahahaha.

Thank you.


PS please let us know what the "come down" is like!

3:38 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...



3:38 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

when are they gonna start putting cocaine back in coca-cola???

now that's an energy drink!

3:41 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Digital... You're a superhuman? That's awesome. But yeah, it was totally not tasty.

Irish... Aw, thanks. It's like my one talent. Well, that and tap dancing (not kidding, I'm amazing). As for the come down, it hasn't been too intense as of yet. Although, ever since I ate it, I've had to pee like every ten minutes. Does high levels of caffiene and whatever make you have to go all the time?

Jason... You can really taste the rhino, for reals. Also, no kidding; cocaine's due for a soda pop comeback.

3:49 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

FYI- has absinthe flavored AND maple/bacon flavored lollipops for sale!

5:15 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I'd eat that. Either of them. Or both, together, in a drunken pork orgy that would make Caligula go, "Heavens to Betsy!"

6:38 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Clinton, I'm not lying when I say that I would pay a significant amount of money to watch you do 'a very spirited interpretation of "The Electric Slide."' You could do a one-man show and make at least $32,000 a night!

1:48 PM  

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