Tuesday, March 04, 2008

It Came From Chinatown...

First things first, a bit of business... If you'll look over to the right of the page, below the picture of me grimly hoisting a beer and below my Blogger bio, you'll see the brand new, awesome-tastic ICFC Button, designed by a long-time friend of the site, the B-dog to my C-dog, Braden. If you click on it's graphic-y goodness, it'll take you to a chronologically-ordered listing of all the ICFC posts, that way you can relive my fish-scented misery without all the hassle of looking it up your own goddamned selves, you lazy bastards. Anyway, be sure to stop by B-dog's sketch blog and check out his other fine, fine artwork, and while you're there, be sure to tell him he's cool. Because he is. The coolest.

Thanks, B!!!

Okay, so let's get down the reason why we're all here. Kids of all ages, I give you... Brown Candy In Pieces:

Or possibly a brick of hash. When Girlfriend pulled this out of her purse, I had intense, Technicolor visions of Midnight Express, specifically the scene where the Turkish prison guards beat the bottoms of our hero drug-smuggler's feet. I don't want to be that guy (my feet are tender). So I hid in the closet until Girlfriend convinced me that it wasn't illegal narcotics and, besides, we weren't in Turkey anyway. Finally, she coaxed me out with the promise of some beer and I was then able to take a good look at this so-called "Brown Candy:"

Well... it certainly is brown, I'll give it that. No false advertising there. Also, it sort of looks like a nice cut of fatty brisket, though that image paired with the word "candy" isn't doing much for my desire to put this product in my face and chew. I guess the problem is this: Okay, so if someone offered you Red Candy, you'd pretty much know what you're getting, right? Cherry, possibly strawberry, and occasionally cinnamon. Same with Yellow Candy (lemon or banana) or Green Candy (mint or sour apple) or Orange Candy (Chee-tos or traffic cones). But Brown Candy... er... well, me being me, my immediate thought was, "Oh God, the Chinese are packaging their poop!!!" And then it was back in the closet for another hour. And if not poop, then what? Dirt? Tree bark? Cola, perhaps, but if so, what sort? Because I don't really care for Pepsi. I opened it up:

Hello! As soon as the wrapper came off, I was slapped across the face with a sexy hand called Brown Sugar. "Doye," it said, "why would you think I'd be Chinese poop? Dude, what's wrong with you?" I don't know, Brown Sugar... I just don't know. But you smell delicious; like if you were to make spoons with Willy Wonka, this is what the back of his neck would smell like. All warm and cozy and bakery-like. Of all the ICFC items so far, this is the only one that I could see myself daubing behind my ears before a big date. I mean, normally I'd just use cologne (Very Sexy for Him), but if I had to choose an ICFC product... totally the Brown Candy. Here's a closer look at one of the pieces:

Again, brisket. That white line of fat-looking stuff isn't doing it any favors. But whatever. Time to chomp:


Honestly, it wasn't as good as I had expected it to be, given it's yummy odor. It's not bad; certainly a big step up from jellyfish bits or dried lily flowers, but it isn't something I'd want to sneak into a movie theater or anything. There's definitely a brown sugar taste, but there's also some sort of weird, raisin-y flavor that hits you after about the the second or third chew. It's sweet, too... powerfully so. My teeth, which aren't in great shape to begin with, actually started dissolving when I put this in my mouth. I guess overall, Brown Candy is just okay. Sugary, hard as a rock, and quite odd, it's no Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or Hershey's with Almonds, that's for sure.
Let me put it to you another way: Considering all the food that I've tried in this experiment thus far, Brown Candy In Pieces is totally something you would eat if you had a palate that could handle Grassy Jelly or tiny, fried fish in oil. What I mean is, this is totally a tasty candy if you're from another country. From a Westerner's perspective, however, it's just kinda "huh, okay, that's interesting, now can I have some Skittles please?"
Still, though, because it didn't have it's eyes still attached and it didn't stink like a thousand open graves filled with last weeks sea-floor scrapings, I'm giving it a hearty...

See y'all next week for another exciting chapter of It Came From Chinatown! It'll be photographed!!!


Blogger Cray said...

Mayhaps the Chinese eat a lot of brown sugar, or the poop brick processing plant in Shanghai also makes sweet sweet brisket in the same molds.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Just by looking at it I thought it would taste better than you describe.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Cray... That's unsanitary.

Midwesterner... My thoughts, too. I was thinking it would be somewhere along the lines of the maple sugar candy you get in New England, but... nope. Again, it wasn't bad. Just not great.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


Now I want a Traffic Cone flavored Jolly Rancher®™©™

12:10 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I know a guy who knows a guy who can hook you up. Also...


12:22 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Thanks Clinton!!!

I kinda fell on some dark times for a while; but now I'm back with my new Xtreme®™©™ makeover and everything.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

You makeover *is* extreme, and wonderfully so. Good to have yioux around again.

12:49 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

chinese "candy" is certainly an acquired taste. but for real, hit up a chinese bakery. bomb squared.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Dude, I love those bakeries. You can get like a mound of extremely edible food for like $2.50. Some of it with hot dogs crammed in it.

3:59 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

you just ate a brick of shit my friend!

everybody knows german feces tastes like brown sugar!! it's considered a delicacy in certain parts of china!

you've never seen german porno?! they eat shit like it's candy in those films! then they wash it down with some piss and call it wrap!

p.s.- you should check out "bizarre foods with andrew zimmern(?)" on the travel channel. he travels all around the world just to eat rats,roaches and maggots.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Clinton, Because my kids will not try hardly any new foods, I think your willingness to try some of this horrible looking stuff from China Town, actually works to balance the universe and keeps the earth on its axis... what you are doing here on these blog pages is downright fucking HEROIC --I am grateful to you for this...

4:47 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... Oh believe me, I'm all over that guy's show. Love it, even though he's a total dweeb. Season premier is tonight, matter o' fact!

Bill... See, I've been saying for years that I'm a hero, but will the mayor ever give me the key to the city? NOOOOOOOO! Bastard. He did give me the key to his heart, though, so I guess that's something. I guess. Anyway, thanks!!!

4:55 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

glad to hear you're a fan of the bizarre foods dude. my wife LOATHES the guy. i just find him tolerably geeky.

no snarky remarks pertaining my earlier german pornography references?? oh well...

5:04 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Sorry, dude. Talking about German schizer videos just hits too close to home for me. Let's just say that there was a time in my life where I'd do anything to pay the rent...


I used to be in German schizer videos, is what I'm trying to say. Good money, if you can hold your breath long enough.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Man, you look so pleased in that first picture. I'm thinking the Brown Candy In Pieces people paid you for a positive review in this edition of ICFC.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Haha, that's ridiculous. I don't know what you're talking about. I have prinicples!!!

(buy Brown Candy today!!!)

9:52 AM  

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