Arbitrary Rulings (Emotions Edition)

Sadness - Generally, it's not cute. Particularly if you're fifteen and haven't, you know, technically had anything happen in your life that would be considered by the population at large as "sad" (Taking Back Sunday not coming to your town doesn't count). Plus, with sadness comes a predilection for wearing a lot of black, and wearing a lot of black means that people won't want to talk to you because they think you're going to try and tell them all about why vampires could happen. Unless, of course, you tart up your black outfits with some red lipstick or a pair of shoes from outer space or something along those lines, but that's not really the point. The point is, sadness makes everybody uncomfortable, especially because everyone's got their own problems these days. I mean, like, why are you so selfish? It's not all about you, Dark Prince of Poets at the Back Lunch Table.

Anger - A perfectly acceptable reaction to the current state of the world, but one that really requires a lot of work to pull off on a consistent basis. Making protest signs, attending rallies, thinking up new ways to infer that the Republicans are Nazis... shits a lot of work, especially if you're all vegan or whatever and aren't getting enough protein. Angry can be sexy, though; bar fights are like orgies but with a focus on hitting people and not getting glass in your eyes. When you see a drunk guy standing on top of a table, swinging a pool cue over his head and shouting out half-remembered lines from Braveheart while three other dudes try to rip his shirt off and another guy is punching him in the spine... how could you not want to fuck that? And I don't mean the drunk. I'm talking about the whole scene. Fighting is foreplay that leaves two-week bruises.

Happiness - Gross. I mean, good for you for finding that perfect "going out" shiny shirt and for meeting someone special while buying Top Ramen at the Duane Reade, but your constant smiley face and the way you keep whistling, "Walking On Sunshine" is making your coworkers dream about your head and a hatchet and a quiet place in the woods where problems disappear. Keep it inside, friend-o... I'm one of the happiest guys you'll ever meet, but you wouldn't know it because I keep my emotions in a bottle marked Jack Daniels and then I drink them away and away and away until smiling feels like trying to write with my wrong hand. That's called, "being polite to others around you" and it should be a law.

Apathy - Now here's an emotion I can get behind. What's a better way to ride out your 70-some odd years of existence while you wait for the peace and quiet that come gratis with the eternal dirt nap? Not caring about anything, not letting anything rile you from your whatever-based funk, never wavering from the unendingly straight corridor of an even keel... that's the note-perfect reaction to a world gone mad, or at least annoying. Plus, if you're handsome or beautiful, dumb people will think you're deep for being so reticent and you'll get laid more than discount tile.

Lust - A great emotion, there's no denying that, especially when you consider how well you sleep afterward. But think about this... have you ever been around someone who's actively in the throes of lust, but you yourself aren't horny at all. They get all red-faced and they can't stand up and they start making those facial expressions that they learned from watching porn in the eighth grade and suddenly you realize that if you don't move down a couple of bar stools, you're going to get sweat in your beer. From the outside looking in, lust is nasty. But when it's you and you're in the moment, hey... can't beat that. Your heart is beating so fast it's like the opening drum solo in "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" and your vision blurs and your brain slips out of your skull and walks around the city for a few hours while you try to pretend you care about art or politics or whatever she's talking about. That's fun. That's being young and alive in the city. And if you strike out, hell, it's time you had some time alone. IfyaknowwhatImean!!!