Extremely Accurate Oscar Predictions

Update: All my predictions were correct, even if they weren't. I'm just that good. I dedicate this post to the memory of Gaydolph Titler... we hardly knew ye, good sir.

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NOTE: I know everything. Which I know you already know. Because, as I said, I know everything.

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

Best Original Screenplay: Whichever script qualifies as "quirky," but not like threatening-quirky, where it could possibly rip apart the fabric of our country with it's new ideas and questions. No, just regular, plain ol', talk-funny-with-the-hip-slang quirky.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Whichever script is adapted from a source material that people already like. In this year's case, it will be The DaVinci Code or possibly one of the Harry Potter movies. If by chance those somehow were not nominated, then the award will be given to whichever writer used the most big words in an hour and a half (as is the custom of this catagory).

Best Supporting Actress: Whomever played the prostitute, or the role closest to the prostitute ideal will take home the gold. So it's probably not going to be the thirteen year old chick. Probably. I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if she did dudes for money in that one. Probably not though, right?

Best Supporting Actor: Whomever was wackiest in the most pleasing manner. Barring that, it will be whomever is oldest, or whomever scared the Academy so badly that they will let him win so he won't kill them. This automatically excludes Casey Affleck, as he is nineteen and even the Care Bears thinks he's a giant pussy.

Best Actress: This is a tough race to call, because this award usually goes to the prettiest girl who wore a lot of make-up to make herself look ugly. That didn't really happen this year. So, by default, it will go to the prettiest girl. Period. That would be Ellen Page, who is the youngest, and therefore the most attractive, as it is written in the teachings of Jesus.

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis.

Best Director: Is there anyone here who's had a long, distinguished career and has yet to win an Oscar, even though he continues to crank out quality work? No? He won last year? Wow. Well, fuck, then I don't know. Coen is a Jewish name right? Well, then they'll win.

Best Picture: The best movie of 2007 was Transformers, and it's not even nominated in this catagory. Yet again, the Academy fucks over the deserving in it's blind efforts to reward movies that clearly, clearly, do not contain transforming robots from space. The Oscars are a joke and this is the proof.