Thursday, February 21, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Quantum Of Solace

Because Casino Royale was such a punch in the mouth, but in a good way, I'm totally stoked to see what they can do with their second go-around. Daniel Craig is the best Bond since Connery and it just seems like they've really got all their shit in one sack, so to speak, with regards to relaunching the whole series. No problems there; looking forward to it. However, I do take issue with this poster. Seriously, enough with the "teaser" concept. I mean what do we really have here... a desert floor and a shadow? Yes, the shadow is James Bond (or a production intern in a suit) and yes, James Bond is holding a fairly wicked looking gun (or the production intern is holding a fairly wicked gun), but does that tell us anything about the movie? Does it whet our appetites? No, and not really. It's kind of like a girl trying to turn you on by sneaking you a peek at her ankle. It's a nice gesture, but frankly, it's just not enough. Shoulder blades, at least (so we can subconsciously start thinking about massages), or we'll just wait until you're naked, thanks. Also, and again, I'm sure they know what they're doing, but the title? Quantum of Solace? I'm going to write the word "Oooookay" on a piece of paper, place it in a bottle, and hurl it into the stormy waters of What-The-Fuck Bay.

Street Kings

This poster is trying to rock that whole splattery, thug-life, LA graffiti thing that was probably never even popular with gang members (I'd bet anything that it was created by a marketing research team trying to "redefine edgy"), but I don't really even care about that. What's interesting about this poster is at the very top... what's up with that cast list? They've got everything from an Oscar winner all the way down to a guy who once said, "Thinkin 'bout beads and titties as I roll through the city" in a rap song. Not to mention Hugh Laurie, whom I can only assume is in this because he got lost on the way to the House set one day and they just decided to film him because he's awesomeness times bad-ass to the fourth power. What did everyone talk about on the set? What was the cast party like? Hollywood is so fucking weird sometimes.


This makes me smile. George Clooney? Love him. John Krasinski? Want to cuddle with him. Old timey sports? Always funny. A bunch of muddy guys glaring at the camera like they're about to tackle a 400-pound guy named Otto? Hey man... that's solid gold melted down and molded into a dart that's being used to hit the bullseye of my pleasure center over and over and over again. Which sounds a lot dirtier than I meant it. Actually, we are talking about George Clooney here. He can hit my bullseye all he wants, ifyaknowwhatImean!!! How do you ladies stand him, for reals? I'm a straight dude and he makes me want to float away on a cloud of cartoon hearts. If I had a vagina, the horniness would make me rip someone's head off.

The Love Guru

What the fuck happened to Mike Myers. Remember Wayne's World? So I Married An Ax Murderer? The first Austin Powers, before the series took a turn onto a sad stretch of road populated by fat suits, catchphrases, and Beyonce before she took her Dreamgirls acting lessons? What I mean is, homeboy used to be funny as shit. Now he's just kinda shitty. I think doing Cat in the Hat broke something inside of him and now he's incapable of getting it up, comedically-speaking. Also "his karma is huge" just might be the lamest excuse for a dick joke the world has ever seen. And I include Rudy Giuliani's presidential bid in that statement. HI-OH!!!

Sorry, that didn't make sense. I don't really do topical humor.

Arthur et la Vengeance de Maltazard

Holy shit!!! What this fuck is that thing? Is Hollywood recieving movies from other planets now? Fucking aliens all standing around flashing the peace sign like we're going to fall for that. We would be like, "Oh, they're peaceful; they put out movies, so they can't be all bad." And then they drop the hammer, but on a galactic level. Oh, and you know who else made movies? Hitler. So yeah... you see my point now. Stop watching the skies, people! The invasion begins at the multiplex!!!
UPDATE: Okay, so apparently this is just some movie from France. Still though, when did they start making monster movies? They're supposed to crank out flicks like Amelie that are all sweet and light and shove adorable whimsy so far up our asses that we vomit up a sunbeam called "love." Somebody get on the horn and tell them that we'll handle the creature features. They can keep romance all to themeselves.


Blogger Hex said...

I always imagine some hollywood suit in a boardroom talking to guys like Common and The Game saying, "Good news, oscar winner Forest Whitaker has signed on to be in the film with you."

While at another boardroom somewhere across town, another agent is saying, "Bad News, the studio wants you on to do a film with Common and The Game."

10:53 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I like to imagine that, on set, whenever any of the rappers tried to talk to him, Whitaker would just pull out his Oscar and thump them on the head with it.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Cray said...

How would I get to visit scenic What-the-fuck Bay? We talking travel agent, or should I just hitch it?

11:44 AM  
Blogger The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Wow. The only thing scarier than the French in general would have to be a French monster movie.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Cray... To get to What-The-Fuck Bay, you have to ride a bicycle backwards through traffic while wearing a prom dress and giving the finger to a group of drag queen nuns. It's kind of a pain in the ass, so I don't recommend going unless you're totally like, "What?" all the time.

Dutchess... I the monster drinks a lot of wine and is snotty to tourists. Or maybe the monster *is* a tourist and that's why everyone's so scared. Either way, the French are goofy.

12:10 PM  
OpenID survivingmyself said...

I hate Bond movies. Jason Bourne would kick the shit out of every single Bond.

Okay, maybe not Connery.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Giggleloop said...

I like how, in the whole "circle of main characters" motif used on the Street Kings poster (and every urban movie poster since forever), they made sure to include a nice big car. Car's probably playing the "rough street walker with the heart of gold" role.

And your reaction to the monster poster made me laugh out loud. I'm intrigued, I'll have to go research that one and see what's up.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I cannot wait for leatherheads!!! And btw, 'shit in one sac' is awesome :)


1:30 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... I love me some James Bond, but I grew up on them, so there's that whole nostalgia thing. The Bourne movies do indeed rock my socks, though.

Giggleloop... I had kinda figured that Keanu was playing the streetwalker.

Jew... Totally my father's expression. Holla at my dad!

2:39 PM  

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