Valentine's Day Is An Evil Genius

"It's just one day out of the year, C-dog. It's just a harmless holiday that promotes romance, sexy underwear, and a fantasyland of chocolate that tastes delicious and doesn't make you fat because you can't gain weight when you're soooo deeply, deeply in love (it's true, I heard it on Blind Date this one time)."

Bullshit. BULLSHIT, I SAYS!!!

Valentine's Day is evil, but it's smart about it... it's sneaky, it's sly, it worms it's way into your confidence like a filthy junkie that's only waiting until you fall asleep so it can whisk all your valuables to the nearest pawn shop to exchange for a few sheckles of junk money. And when that needle is in it's arm, as it falls backwards into the sweet nod of heroin, with it's last breath it will laugh at you and your foolish self!!! Can you handle that, man? Can you stand to live in a world where a fucking drugged-out holiday is cackling behind your back?

Look, I know that the candy from the Whitman's Sampler is scrumptious, but the answer to these questions is a resounding, bellowing NO!!!

Let me lay it all out for you. Let me show you what we're up against. Pay attention, kids... we're not just going through the looking glass, here. We're gonna burn that motherfucker down as well!

The Evidence Against Valentine's Day

You can't talk bad about it - If you say you hate Valentine's Day, you're immediately placed into two separate camps: If you're in Camp A, you're a lonely, bitter sadsack that hasn't been touched in so long, you think hugs are a myth. And if you're in Camp B, you're in a relationship that's more like a jail and anything that's love-themed makes you long for life on the outside, where you think you remember one time maybe being happy, but you're not entirely sure. Both of the camps are unfair and, more importantly, completely untrue... but it doesn't matter. According to the media, according to fucking Hallmark, according to that giggly secretary in your office who's right now dressed in so much red that she looks like a blood clot, if you don't like Valentine's Day, there's something wrong with you. This pro-Valentine's campaign is so airtight and impenetrable, even Karl Rove is like, "Yeah I can't fuck with that." How do I know this campaign is working? Because while you read this, you're trying to decide which of the two camps I belong in, almost against your will. See?

It will take all your money - Girlfriend and I went out last night in search of presents for her to give to her teaching assistants. Nothing fancy, just some flowers perhaps or some festive candy. We were shocked... SHOCKED... to discover that a single red rose at our local flower vendor cost more than the security deposit on our apartment. Alright, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you see my point: Roses, jewlery, candies... the people that produce and sell them use this horrible holiday as an excuse to jack up the prices like those assholes selling bottled water at 20$ a pop during Hurricane Katrina. And we take it! We think, "Yeah, 8,274$ sounds reasonable for a nice card and some chocolate-covered cherries. What a magical snowdream of a day this is!!!" We're being mugged in alley by a vicious thug named Cupid, people, and it's time we all banded together and gave Big Business the collective middle finger that screams, in the words of Dee Snyder, "We're not gonna take it... NO... We ain't gonna take it!!!" Choosing not to do so will only lead to empty wallets and apartments full of useless heart-shaped crap.

Valentine's Day gives you brain tumors the size of a racquetballs - Okay, maybe not, but I feel like all damning evidence against major holidays should come in groups of three.

So now you get it. Now you understand. People, Valentine's Day is an evil genius of Dr. No proportions and it's not giving up without a monster-brawl of a cage fight to the death. But fight is what we must do. Valentine's Day, to paraphrase Melville, from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee, you fucking evil motherfucker. You're going down.

That being said, if you've got plans tonight, I hope you have a lovely time! LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!!