A Conversation With My Father
NOTE: From now on, whenever anyone asks me why exactly I am the way I am, I'm going to point them to the following conversation between my Dad and I. It should clear everything up.
2ND NOTE: This is as close to verbatim as I can get; consider it 95% accurate.
Me: Hello?
Dad: Well, I'm never going to eat sushi again.
Me: Uh...hey, Dad... why are you never going to eat sushi again?
Dad: Because I ate some yesterday and I've had diarrhea ever since.
Me: And you felt the need to call and tell me this.
Dad: You don't want to know when you're father's sick?
Me: (sigh) Where did you get this sushi?
Dad: From the Krogers down the street from my house.
Me: Well there's your problem. Grocery store sushi is notoriously unreliable. Besides, I remember that Krogers... they let homeless people use the employee bathroom there.
Dad: Well it looked fresh enough. And it was on sale.
Me: On sale? Sushi?
Dad: Yeah, they were closing up... trying to get rid of it, I guess.
Me: Jesus, Dad, you bought bargin sushi at closing time? They probably made that shit at 9am! You're lucky diarrhea's all you've got. I hope you don't have worms.
Dad: I'll keep you posted.
Me: Didn't it taste bad?
Dad: It tasted really fishy.
Me: Bad fishy?
Dad: You know of a "good fishy?"
Me: So why did you keep eating it, you retard?
Dad: And let it go to waste?
Me: You'd rather spend 24 hours shitting like an invalid than throw away some sushi you got on sale at midnight?
Dad: Look, I'm just saying that I'm not going to eat sushi again.
Me: That's probably a good idea, Dad. Probably a good idea. Stick to Whataburger.
Dad: You don't have to tell me twice.
The conversation went on from there, but I'll spare you the rest of the details. Suffice to say that he called me this morning to inform me that the long, national nightmare was finally over... solid poops, at last!
2ND NOTE: This is as close to verbatim as I can get; consider it 95% accurate.
Me: Hello?
Dad: Well, I'm never going to eat sushi again.
Me: Uh...hey, Dad... why are you never going to eat sushi again?
Dad: Because I ate some yesterday and I've had diarrhea ever since.
Me: And you felt the need to call and tell me this.
Dad: You don't want to know when you're father's sick?
Me: (sigh) Where did you get this sushi?
Dad: From the Krogers down the street from my house.
Me: Well there's your problem. Grocery store sushi is notoriously unreliable. Besides, I remember that Krogers... they let homeless people use the employee bathroom there.
Dad: Well it looked fresh enough. And it was on sale.
Me: On sale? Sushi?
Dad: Yeah, they were closing up... trying to get rid of it, I guess.
Me: Jesus, Dad, you bought bargin sushi at closing time? They probably made that shit at 9am! You're lucky diarrhea's all you've got. I hope you don't have worms.
Dad: I'll keep you posted.
Me: Didn't it taste bad?
Dad: It tasted really fishy.
Me: Bad fishy?
Dad: You know of a "good fishy?"
Me: So why did you keep eating it, you retard?
Dad: And let it go to waste?
Me: You'd rather spend 24 hours shitting like an invalid than throw away some sushi you got on sale at midnight?
Dad: Look, I'm just saying that I'm not going to eat sushi again.
Me: That's probably a good idea, Dad. Probably a good idea. Stick to Whataburger.
Dad: You don't have to tell me twice.
The conversation went on from there, but I'll spare you the rest of the details. Suffice to say that he called me this morning to inform me that the long, national nightmare was finally over... solid poops, at last!
posted by Clinton at 5:35 PM
6 Comments:
HA i actually think your dad and my dad might get along well
LOL. That. Was. Great.
HA! Brilliant.
I have to admit I LOVE Whataburger. At south padre one year for spring break that is all we ate. When we left Texas I had Whataburger withdrawl for two weeks.
NYCponds... They should start a club. With t-shirts and everything.
Dutchess... Thanks, yo! But I'm just a humble transcriber of my father's... er... whatever you want to call it.
Braden... My father and the word "brilliant" are rarely ever connected. This will be a happy day for him.
Midwesterner... Tell me about it, dude. I've lived in New York for five years and I'm *still* in Whataburger withdrawl. It's usually my first stop when I hit Texas.
Hahahah! Oh what a fantastic post. I even had to read it aloud, it was so good!
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