Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It Came From Chinatown...

Previously on It Came From Chinatown... we explored the mysteries and complexities of a greenish, viscous substance known as Grass Jelly. It was concluded that it came from another planet and was more than likely being sold as a joke. It wasn't, however, all that bad; not good, mind you, just not offensive. It was also, as it turns out, a bit of a soft start to this whole project. Kids, I was not ready for this week's offering; it was the Ivan Drago to my Apollo Creed. Without further adieu, I give you...

Satay Jellyfish



My new motto is this: Always be wary of foods that come in a horrifying bouquet. Particularly if said food is a marinated, dried invertebrate. Here's a closer look at the packaging. Another bad sign? They spelled "jellyfish" wrong (it's one word, not two):



As I peeled off the wrapper, I was filled with the same sense of dread one gets while walking through a bad neighborhood in the middle of the night. Then I was hit with the smell... oh, sweet baby Jesus, the smell... like cat food that's been left out on the porch overnight and then farted on by a squid. We laid them out on a plate; they look so innocent lying there. They're like Damien in The Omen, but much more likely to drive baboons crazy:



And here's a stick all by it's lonesome:


One key detail that you're missing just by looking at the pictures: It was sticky; the jellyfish bits, the stick, the wrapper... everything. It was the same kind of stickiness that you find covering candy apples at a carnival, but with a color and an odor from the deepest, blackest, sub-basements of Hell. I took the first bite:



I was struck immediately by the overpowering taste of old fish. There was a smokiness to it as well that reminded me of beef jerky (if beef jerky was made from human skin and pure evil). Texturally, it was like eating a mouthfull of chewy corn flakes. Put all of that together in your mind for a second... I was eating a fishy, smokey, chewy, cereal that was sticky.
It. Was. Awful.


That is a face of pure misery, folks. At the time this picture was taken, all of the sorrow in the world, every bad dream mankind has ever experienced, every secret shame, every lie told between lovers... it was all in my mouth. It clouded my senses, it choked me and made my eyes water... it was like having a busted sewer line seeping down the back of my throat. It should also be noted, and you can take this as you will, that as soon as we opened the package, our cat went absolutely bonkers from the smell. We offered him a taste, since he seemed so interested, but after a single nibble he walked away with a look in his eyes that implored of us, "Why? What did I ever do to you?"



I too had questions: People actually eat this stuff? Like, on purpose? Do they hate themselves? Or is this a food you're only supposed to give to an enemy? I don't know, specifically, but I think the answer lies somewhere in this photograph, which was taken mere moments after my "just to be sure" second bite:



I'd like to think that that tells you everything you need to know on the subject of satay jellyfish. I can't imagine there's more to it, except for maybe some dry heaving. As for me, the only thing left was to get the taste out of my mouth the only way I knew how:
And with that, another episode of ICFC draws to a stomach-churning, indigestable close. Until next week, of course! Please, pray for me!!!

23 Comments:

Blogger Ross said...

What horror. What drama. You deserve a blogging award. Do such things exist? Can we have a red carpet and everything? Maybe ICFC could end the writers strike!

10:47 AM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

Damn, your girlfriend is mean! That's some sadistic shit right there. I can imagine the evil glint in her eye as she chooses the perfect specimen of Chinese disgustingness to unleash upon you. My condolences to your stomach.

10:59 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... I agree, someone should give me a medal. I'd look really snazzy on my hoodie. And walking a red carpet would be AWESOME!!! Man I want to be famous...

Sally... It would only be mean if she were making me do this against my will. I'm all like, "BRING IT ON, BABY!!!" And she does. She brings it on, harcore.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Maybe it's spelled as 2 words because it's not jellyfish. It's fish (random parts of random fish of course) that has been jellied. That could account for some of the stickiness!

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I gotta agree with Brooklyn Gal here - if there wasn't a cute anime jellyfish picture on that packaging somewhere, you were probably eating jellied fish, not jellyfish. *shudder* Such a brave soul is our C-dog.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... Ew. Well... Actually, I don't know which is worse. Although I think the stickiness actually came from whatever glaze they put on the bits during it's cooking.

Giggleloop... I'm totally brave. You want to know what happened right after the pictures were taken? I fought a bear.

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What’s that green thing in the background tied in knots? Is it something from China town too?

1:51 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

It's a curtain and it's from IKEA.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I get rid of the taste of all my family meals like that.

It helps with the pain.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

keep it up, c-dawg!!! i think your girlfriend sounds cool for bringing you nasty things to eat.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... Whiskey cures all, dude.

Charlotte... Will do! Yeah, turns out, a girl who brings me weird things to eat is exactly what I'm looking for.

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you can hit me with a glare-free picture of the packaging I can take a shot at translating it for you. It may help to bring closure to the jellyfish vs. jellied fish debate. Two things I can tell you from the picture you have, though: The word jellyfish (海蜇 hǎizhé) does not appear anywhere I can see while the word delicious (美味 měiwèi) does.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

It was NOT delicious, I can tell you that much. Seriously, thanks for the translation offer... sadly though it went out with the garbage last night. It stank like ass and it needed to exit our apartment as soon as possible.

3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, well. The offer stands for future installments of ICFC. For the record, the grass jelly was on the level, although the Chinese on the can was just the company name. As an aside, don't let this experience sour you on dried seafood as a whole. Dried squid actually is delicious and goes well with beer.

3:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Note to self: Purchase dried squid.

4:32 PM  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

Dude, in some of those photos your hair looks like a Tuesday Night Fever.

9:14 PM  
Blogger i i eee said...

I kept reading it as "Satan's jellyfish," which I doubt was just my mind playing tricks on me.

Maybe you should try this next.

It doesn't appear that girlfriend has a blog -but I wish she did, because I bet it would be pretty awesome.

1:12 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Girlfriend actually does have a blog (it's here)

It's about her experiences as an inner-city teacher and it's a great read.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I watched "Some Assembly Required" last night. It was all about how Jack is made. It was awesome!

9:26 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bauer? Nicholson? Tripper?

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please. Please, please, please, please, please, I am fucking begging you, PLEASE let me be there for the next installment of this perfect, brilliant series. I have got to see this in person.

Please. The end.

-Phoenix

9:04 PM  
Blogger Ramses Amun Ankh said...

My favorite snack.

2:12 AM  
Blogger Mr Guff said...

I read this in 2022. Funny as hell. BTW that satay is tasty. U should try belacan. 🤣

1:04 AM  

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