Arbitrary Rulings 11

Ice Breakers Pacs - I bought some of these at the Rite Aid yesterday because I'd read all the articles about how they look like packets of blow and I thought, hey, any mint that tries to disguise itself as hard, street drugs deserves at least a glance. Seriously kids... and this is coming from a dude who knows what he's talking about... Ice Breakers Pacs are the fucking worst mints you'll ever experience. I'd rather watch a gang of thugs mug an old lady than eat another one of these powdery abortions and, sure, that might be a bit hyperbolic, but you don't know, man... you've never been through the horror of having one of these things cleave to the roof of your mouth and then shit out it's gritty, minty sand all over your tongue; you've never felt it seeping down the back of your throat like a Satanic loogie. Had these not been banned for mimicing narcotics, they would have eventually been burned at the stake for having no soul. Or, you know, taken off the market due to poor sales because they're disgusting. Either one.

Drinking Straight From a 2-Liter of Dr. Pepper While I Write This - Oh fuck off, like you're so perfect. It's not white trash-y if no one can see you do it, just like how murder is only illegal if you get caught. Besides, Dr. Pepper is delicious, and did you know that it was first sold in Waco, Texas? Being from Texas makes things awesomer. It's true! Just ask me, C-dog, the awesomest guy you've ever met.

Reality Bites - We watched this yesterday afternoon and it was like being hit in the brain full-force by a nostalgic hurricane that totally laid waste to my memory banks and left me clinging to the roof of my mental shanty while desperately waiting for FEMA to finally show up with a hot, steaming mug of "get over it, you're a grown-up now." Tortured analogies aside, watching a sulky Ethan Hawke and an adorable Wynona Ryder be ironic made me long for 1994... I was fourteen when Reality Bites came out and I was dating a girl who had a haircut just like Janeane Garofalo's in the movie, and she and I (the girl, not Janeane Garofalo) snuck in to see it (the movie, not my girlfriend's haircut) and we both walked out of the theater wanting to be cool like all of them so badly, it felt like appendicitis. God, they had shitty jobs and they smoked a lot and they made profoundly snarky comments and they all lived together and they did everything that a young guy and a young girl in love wanted to do but couldn't because our parents were SOOOOOOOO LAME!!! Seeing it again at twenty-eight, which is five deppressing years older than the film's characters, I of course see it in a totally different light. I think they're all whiny and I think their ideals are laughable and I think that Wynona Ryder should have gone to New York with Ben Stiller because he's obviously the better choice but... still... it's nice to know that there was a time in my life when I bought into this movie's line of bullshitty, immature reason. Other than displaying almost pornographic levels of naivety, though, it's still a pretty great movie.

Roy Scheider - He died over the weekend and, despite the fact that he was old and had been sick for a while, it's still a total bummer. I've seen Jaws like a million times and it never gets old. He was also really good in All That Jazz, which is about as far away from his usual, tough-guy roles as one can get and you should check it out if you haven't seen it. Sadly, he was also in a lot of really crappy movies, too, but that's okay... dude killed a big-ass shark not once, but twice. He's forever okay in my book. My thoughts and whatnot go out to his family.

Old, Italian Couples - They're all cute and charming and full of life and then suddenly you find out that they don't know how to get home from a party on a Friday night and you have to guide them through the subways because the thought of them out there in the city alone and scared breaks your heart into a thousand pieces like a dropped ice swan centerpiece. Not helping matters, serious train issues... it's lame being stuck at the City Hall stop with people who don't know what's going on and you and your girlfriend are responsible for them and how do you fit all of that into a text message to send to friends who are waiting for you at another party that's just a few blocks uptown but might as well be on Jupiter? You don't, I guess. You do the right thing and help the nice, old, Italian couple get home and then you crash while watching cooking shows at 3am. And then you find out on Monday morning that you were at the other party all along through the magic of technology.

(thanks to DrunkBrunch for the pic!)