Wednesday, February 13, 2008

These Are Some Of The Guinness World Records That I Could Break If I Felt Like It

NOTE: Special thanks to office-mate Andrew for the inspiration. He's a true friend, a patriot, and ladies... he's single!!!

We all know that I'm basically the best person in the world at everything, right? Particularly when it comes to things like "being awesome" and "always making pretty girls smile" and "sleeping off a whiskey drunk in the alley around the corner from my house." I know, I know... you're thinking, "Doye, C-dog, you're long and strong and down to the get the friction on... that's why we love you!!!" Seriously kids, I appreciate your support. Y'all my homies and as that's the case, I feel like I can let you in on all aspects of the glory and the wonder that is me. No need to thank me... I want to do it. It's my pleasure.

Specifically, I wanted to talk to you today about The Guinness Book of World Records and how it's bullshit because it doesn't factor in "The C-dog Effect." What is "The C-dog Effect?" Well, it's many things, but when it comes to the so-called record books, it means this:

All world records are great and everything, but it should be duly noted by everyone that these records could totally be broken by C-dog if he felt like it.


You want proof? Well here it is, my lovelies...

Most Cockroaches Eaten - The record is 36 but... like... what? How is that pussy number the most anyone's ever eaten? I've eaten fucking tubs of gummi worms and they're basically the same thing. I will say right now that, if I felt like it, I could eat 429 cockroaches in a single sitting. More if I were allowed to liberally douse them in A-1.

Most Books Typed Backwards - I don't technically know what this is, but I'm pretty sure I could do it no problem. I type this blog drunk most of the time, so I figure it's got to at least be the same basic skill set. Parenthetically, the keyboard is all spinny right now. And the N key is laughing at me. God I fucking hate the N key. Bastard.

Most Tattooed Person - You say I can't tattoo more than 100% of my body? Bitches, I tattooed my motherfucking SOUL!!!

Longest Aerobics Class Marathon - Apparently a bunch of nerds in Colombia thought they were hot shit because they did an aerobics class for 24 hours. That's so cute. Doing 24 hours of aerobics is how I get warmed up before my real work-out begins. My real work-out, incidentally, is sprinting to Canada, making beautiful love to a dozen women in Montreal, and then lightly jogging back to New York by way of Oklahoma. While carrying a Buick.

Most Live Rattlesnakes Held In Mouth - The record is ten, which I'll admit is impressive. Still, though... eh... I'm betting I could do eleven. Cobras. That know karate. And were made super-poisonous by a mad scientist who wanted to take over the world. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're going to go for a record like this, fucking go for it!!! I mean at least make it challenging.

Largest Irish Dance - This one's too fucking easy. Just clone me 10,036 times, play us some kicky jigs, and stand the fuck back. We'll make Riverdance look like a bunch of retarded trannies shitting in a rusty bucket.

Oldest Male Stripper - Check back with me in 2084. You'll see a 104-year-old man do the sexiest side-splits you've ever seen. And that's when I wow you with a backflip.

Look, I think you get my point, which is that I'm better at everything than everyone. Again, I know we all know this, but it's good to remind people now and then. Just so no one ever forgets that I fucking rule. Ha ha, like you could ever forget that!


Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

I dont understand how you get to that point where you are contemplating putting a live rattlesnake in your mouth. I guess my life experiences just werent that weird that I could ever get to that point.... I have a friend though that is totally creeped by snakes and he will totally freak over this so THANKS!

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While carrying a Buick.

fucking brilliant line man.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bill... No problem. Yeah, you've really got to have a very specific series of events happen to you to get to the point where putting snakes in your mouth sounds like an okay thing to do.

Surviving... Thanks, dude. It came to me in a dream.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surely the snake-holder doesn't put the entire snake in their mouth, right? Unless they're midget pygmy snakes or something. Maybe he/she just hold their rattles in his/her mouth while the rest of their justifiably pissed off bodies flap in the breeze? In which case, I dunno know about this one for you, C-dog. That's an awful lot of venomous fangs dangling precariously close to one's junkular region.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am truly humbled by the awesomenessity (it's a word) that you are. I think you have officially put Guiness on notice that he is your bitch. Good show, sir.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Andrew sure sounds like a stud! Are you sure he's single?

1:59 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... Good point. Which is why it's cool that I don't feel like breaking this particular record. I could if I *wanted* of course... I just don't want to.

Harry... Guinness can suck it. The world-record book guy, I mean, not the beer. The beer is delicious.

So Not Andrew... You should totally go for it! You're perfect for each other!!!

2:09 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I am counting down the days to 2084!

4:10 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

p.s. I just clicked on your link to the oldest male stripper, and his picture is CLASSIC.

4:11 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn 1...You and every other girl on the planet.

Brooklyn 2... I know, right? He's grody. And probably very greasy. I won't be like that. I'll be classy.

4:22 PM  

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