Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Hats: A Pictorial

Top Hat

Classy, but only if you're an old millionaire who actually goes to social functions that won't let you in the door unless you're dressed better than 95% of the world's population. If you're, say, a sophomore film major at NYU who's wearing a top hat because you just heard about irony the other day and want to give it a whirl, well then... you can just die. And I don't mean that like, "Oh, you should die from embarrassment because we're all laughing at what a dipshit you are." No, I mean, "Someone should push in front of the Q train because everyone would be a whole lot happier with you being a greasy smear on the tracks, you son of a bitch." You and your smugness are the reasons our hands evolved to the point where we can make fists.

Pith Helmet

Useful if you're in the jungle (keeps the monkey poop out of our hair), but otherwise the pith helmet doesn't really have much of a place in our modern, cellphone-n'-iPod society. Especially since there's only like a square mile of jungle left in the world these days, and it's already jam-packed with Discovery Channel film crews shooting specials about ancient tribes that have lived there for a billion years, yet seem to have publicists and can tell you all about lighting for video as opposed to lighting for film. Anyway, the only people that can still rock a pith helmet with elan are the crazy, old men who hang out in bars that smell like bleach, pee, and love lost. In fact, I'd wager there isn't a hat in the world that can't be worn to a high level of awesomeness by your average loony coot. They're like fashion plates with liver disease and they're worthy of all our hugs. If you can handle the whiskey sweats, of course.

Court Jester Hats

You know who wears Court Jester hats? The worst guys in the world. It's true, that's how you can tell the difference between we okay types that are just whatever and all the guys who've been kicked out of frats for getting too rape-y at the Jungle Juice Mixers. Furthermore, guys who wear Court Jester hats own every edition of Girls Gone Wild because real porn scares them (they think seeing too many penises will make them gay), they eat nothing but McDonalds because everything else is ethnic food, and the only thing they've ever loved in their entire lives are their Golden Retrievers named "Chugger" (or some variation), whom they'd try to fuck if they weren't terrified of getting an afterlife thumbs-down from Jesus. And just so you know, setting a guy who's wearing a Court Jester hat on fire isn't even illegal; you just have to pay a fine now. So if you've got fifty bucks and a lighter, feel free to go absolutely nuts.


Tiaras are cool if you're a girl and it's your birthday, but otherwise you actually have to be the Princess of Monaco to wear one and not get a sunburn from all the people glaring hate at you. They're also perfectly acceptable if you're a drag queen looking to class it up a bit, but only if you counterbalance it with some filthy swearing or songs about butt sex. But if you're a drag queen, you're probably doing that anyway, so it's all good. Oh, also, tiaras look good on psycho prom queens, like on the cover of Hole's "Live Through This" album, but walking around dressed like that will only get you thrown in the clink in the interest of public safety. So tread lightly there, homes.

EDIT: The girl on the "Live Through This" album cover is actually wearing a crown. Same thing, though, just that it goes all the way around.

Beer-Can Holder Hat

This is like the photo negative of the Court Jester hat. Anyone who wears this is automatically a good guy who'll help you move a couch, watch your back in a bar fight, and give you a Hot Pocket if you're hungry. If you see a guy (and it's always a guy, sadly... ladies, you need to step it up) walking down the street wearing a Beer-Can Holder hat, drop everything you're doing and follow that fat fuck to the ends of the Earth. You'll hit every party in town, taste the best chicken wings you've ever had (he knows a place where only the locals go), and you'll have so much fun, you'll quit your job to become this guy's disciple for life. And he won't even be a dick about it; he'll just be all, "You want to hang out and drink beer with me for the rest of your existence? Cool, man, let's get a pizza and flip over a cop car. Wait, wait... gotta load up the hat." Then you'll just stand there with a blissed-out smile on your face because you've seen the holy light of everlasting glory. And it is sooooo good.


Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

I'm being dead serious when I say this, I wish Fadoras were cool. I would wear one every day.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Hats for all occasions!

I like the pirate-y ones...

I can rock them with my swashbuckling shirt.

And eye patch.

10:36 AM  
Blogger The Dutchess of Kickball said...

The only thing cooler than the beer can hat is the beer belly.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Slash is gonna come and whip your ass talking about his top hat like that.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Midwesterner... Totally. But only fat nerds wear them now, which is lame. They used to be the domain of men like Joseph Cotton and Ray Milland. Those were the days, dude.

Lioux... Festive! Pirate hats are always socially acceptable. And an eye-patch is the cherry on that sundae.

Dutchess... Those are cool, but sadly I think they only work for skinny guys. I have to much of a beer belly to wear a fake beer belly.

Just Saying... No, I said it was cool to wear a top hat if you're an old millionare.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Bret Michaels®™©™ said...

What about cowboy hats?!

They're pretty bad ass.

11:03 AM  
OpenID survivingmyself said...

nice - beer can holder hat dudes are without a doubt the moral fiber that holds our society together.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bret Michaels... Cowboy hats are only acceptable if you're *actually* a cowboy. And you, sir, are NO cowboy.

Surviving... They are our greatest national resource.

11:53 AM  
Blogger i i eee said...

"and give you a Hot Pocket if you're hungry."

*sings* Hot Pocket.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Jon(Sp?) Bon Jovi®™©™ said...

I'M a cowboy.

On a steel horse I ride.

12:18 PM  
Blogger . said...

hilarious. i found your blog a couple weeks ago & want to let you know that this entry is what officially pushed me to link you on my blog (also brooklyn based). take care!

1:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

iieee... You have a lovely singing voice.

Mr. Jovi... The Young Guns were more cowboy than you, good sir. You're from Jersey.

SarahSpy... Why thank you! I, too, shall link in kind. Been meaning to do a blogroll update for the last week or so anyhow.

1:29 PM  
Blogger jiminycricket said...

Most eloquent description of every court jester hat wearer ever.

Massive high fives.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I was going to wear a hat until JFK told me not to.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jiminycricket... Thanks, dude. I return your high fives and give you one down low for good measure.

Todd... JFK says a lot of things. He is unreliable. Also, dead.

2:39 PM  
Blogger NYCPonderings Chick said...

I prefer the tierra AND the beer can dream is to have both in one

3:34 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

OMG!!! NYCP Chick!

I was thinking the same thing!!!

Only I'm more of a martini man myself.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

NYCponds... Dare to dream, kiddo. Dare to dream.

Lioux... Dude, it's so easy... A)drink two beers, B) make a double batch of martini, C) use a funnel to pour the martini into the beer cans, D) load the the cans into the hat, E) be totally fucking awesome.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Oh man.

I actually own the following hats:

Top hat.

Cowboy hat [three of 'em].

A camouflage Miltary ranger's hat.

A Navy sailors hat.

A beret.

A beanie.

and lastly...

A fez.

[I worked in a gay nightclub and we often had to dress up.]

4:20 PM  
Blogger GiveEmHellHarry said...

Is there a wearing corollary that is instructive of how to wear the hat? As in, a baseball cap is acceptable to wear normally or even backwards but to turn it, say 30 degrees askew, is to invite a beat down? Or the tam o'shanter is acceptable to be worn normally but to turn it around backwards merits a beating with a shillelagh?

4:32 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Big Daddy.. Hey, I can't think of a better excuse to own a bunch of hats. At least this way, they're tax deductable.

Harry... I think you pretty much nailed it. You should wear your hat the way they were designed to be worn. Doing otherwise makes you look like Cap'n Douche of the S.S. Douchetard Fantastico. Also, you don't hear the words "tam o'shanter" enough these days. Nicely done.

4:37 PM  
Blogger J-Money said...

When I was growing up, there was a guy in my neighborhood who used to wear a pith helmet every day. He also sat in a lawn chair at the town dump waiting for someone to drop off their bags so he could rifle through them and perhaps scavenge some treasures he could drop haphazardly in his front yard.

So, um, yeah. What you said.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Wouldn't step D) = load the the cans into the TIARA?!

I suppose it wouldn't matter after a few martinis though.

And step E) is kinda like = Serve and Njoy. Except way more bad ass.

Thanks C-K9!

8:09 PM  

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