Hats: A Pictorial

Top Hat



Classy, but only if you're an old millionaire who actually goes to social functions that won't let you in the door unless you're dressed better than 95% of the world's population. If you're, say, a sophomore film major at NYU who's wearing a top hat because you just heard about irony the other day and want to give it a whirl, well then... you can just die. And I don't mean that like, "Oh, you should die from embarrassment because we're all laughing at what a dipshit you are." No, I mean, "Someone should push in front of the Q train because everyone would be a whole lot happier with you being a greasy smear on the tracks, you son of a bitch." You and your smugness are the reasons our hands evolved to the point where we can make fists.

Pith Helmet



Useful if you're in the jungle (keeps the monkey poop out of our hair), but otherwise the pith helmet doesn't really have much of a place in our modern, cellphone-n'-iPod society. Especially since there's only like a square mile of jungle left in the world these days, and it's already jam-packed with Discovery Channel film crews shooting specials about ancient tribes that have lived there for a billion years, yet seem to have publicists and can tell you all about lighting for video as opposed to lighting for film. Anyway, the only people that can still rock a pith helmet with elan are the crazy, old men who hang out in bars that smell like bleach, pee, and love lost. In fact, I'd wager there isn't a hat in the world that can't be worn to a high level of awesomeness by your average loony coot. They're like fashion plates with liver disease and they're worthy of all our hugs. If you can handle the whiskey sweats, of course.

Court Jester Hats



You know who wears Court Jester hats? The worst guys in the world. It's true, that's how you can tell the difference between we okay types that are just whatever and all the guys who've been kicked out of frats for getting too rape-y at the Jungle Juice Mixers. Furthermore, guys who wear Court Jester hats own every edition of Girls Gone Wild because real porn scares them (they think seeing too many penises will make them gay), they eat nothing but McDonalds because everything else is ethnic food, and the only thing they've ever loved in their entire lives are their Golden Retrievers named "Chugger" (or some variation), whom they'd try to fuck if they weren't terrified of getting an afterlife thumbs-down from Jesus. And just so you know, setting a guy who's wearing a Court Jester hat on fire isn't even illegal; you just have to pay a fine now. So if you've got fifty bucks and a lighter, feel free to go absolutely nuts.

Tiara



Tiaras are cool if you're a girl and it's your birthday, but otherwise you actually have to be the Princess of Monaco to wear one and not get a sunburn from all the people glaring hate at you. They're also perfectly acceptable if you're a drag queen looking to class it up a bit, but only if you counterbalance it with some filthy swearing or songs about butt sex. But if you're a drag queen, you're probably doing that anyway, so it's all good. Oh, also, tiaras look good on psycho prom queens, like on the cover of Hole's "Live Through This" album, but walking around dressed like that will only get you thrown in the clink in the interest of public safety. So tread lightly there, homes.

EDIT: The girl on the "Live Through This" album cover is actually wearing a crown. Same thing, though, just that it goes all the way around.

Beer-Can Holder Hat

This is like the photo negative of the Court Jester hat. Anyone who wears this is automatically a good guy who'll help you move a couch, watch your back in a bar fight, and give you a Hot Pocket if you're hungry. If you see a guy (and it's always a guy, sadly... ladies, you need to step it up) walking down the street wearing a Beer-Can Holder hat, drop everything you're doing and follow that fat fuck to the ends of the Earth. You'll hit every party in town, taste the best chicken wings you've ever had (he knows a place where only the locals go), and you'll have so much fun, you'll quit your job to become this guy's disciple for life. And he won't even be a dick about it; he'll just be all, "You want to hang out and drink beer with me for the rest of your existence? Cool, man, let's get a pizza and flip over a cop car. Wait, wait... gotta load up the hat." Then you'll just stand there with a blissed-out smile on your face because you've seen the holy light of everlasting glory. And it is sooooo good.