Substances Into Which You Dip French Fries
Ketchup - The alpha and the omega, the sunrise and the sunset, the moon and the stars... there is only one true God when it comes to fry dips and it is, now and forever, across the span of time, deep down in our souls, ketchup. Rich, red, tart, tomato-y, it has permanently stained our good dress shirts and our hearts until the end of existence and it's hard to talk of all that ketchup has done for us without a lump rising in our collective throats. These are happy tears, ketchup... you've brought us so much joy! It should be noted, however, that ketchup should only... only... be used on french fries and other assorted potato products. Putting ketchup on your hot dog or your hamburger or your steak is like saying that you have no idea how one is supposed to eat food and that you're just taking a wild, flailing stab at how you think it might go. Mustard for hot dogs and burgers, and maybe some A-1 sauce (if you must) for steaks... otherwise, leave it the hell alone, you son of a bitch. And if I see you putting ketchup on your eggs, I'm coming over there.
Wendy’s Frosty - What, are you nine? (sigh) Okay, fine, I guess the combination of sweet and salty is pretty tasty, but... I don't know... I guess it's just that I've always thought of a Wendy's Frosty as kind of the Leukemia-stricken brother of the hearty, handsome Milkshake and, hey, if you want to dip your french fries into Leukemia, I guess that's your choice. But here's a suggestion... fucking don't do that. Just don't. If you really need a sweet/salty taste fix, try some chocolate-covered pretzels or something. Leave the french fries out of it. Especially because you're in a Wendy's, dude... they've got ketchup right there by the counter. And I don't want to hear that you don't like ketchup. That's bullshit on the same level as our government's Iraq policy and... dammit... do you see what you've done?!?! You've made me use topical humor to illustrate a point and I hate doing that! You guys are assholes, man...
Mayonnaise - Whatever, Europe. Whatever. Don't get me wrong, mayonnaise is a good thing. Particularly when it's slathered on a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, say, or aggressively combined with some Starkist and onion and pickle to make a nice tuna fish salad. But as a fry dip, it's all kinds of wrong... there's no bite, no tang, no pizazz. It's just a salty starch dipped into fat, which I'll admit sounds sexy on paper, but in actual application is just a bit too much like dunking your head into a bucket of Crisco while sweating in a hot car in August. The mitigating factor here is, of course, vinegar, which is also quite popular in Europe for fry-drizzling purposes. Combining the vinegar and the mayo could work, I guess, but again... why? Why go to all the trouble when the ketchup is just sitting there, blushing, trying not to make eye contact but desperately wanting to do so. It aches for you, dude, but you're too busy dicking around with questionable condiments. The answer's right in front of your greasy face, you blind, mad fool.
BBQ Sauce - This is you: "I like the tomato-esque flavor of ketchup, but it's not punk rock enough for my extreme tastebuds! I need bold spices that are sharp and sassy and crazy, but spelled "Kraezeee!!! To the max, motherfucker!!!" Look, of all the things on this list, BBQ sauce is the one I'm the most okay with, but even still... c'mon, you fucking dork. We're not going to think you're cool no matter what, even if you use non-traditional condiments for your fry dip needs. You little rebel, you! You rabble-rouser! I bet you're in a band that's totally going to make it big once America stops being so square about shitty people that can't sing or play instruments but can drink Jack Daniels at 10am. Oooooh... aaahhhhh... your hairstyle compensates for everything you lack, don't worry. Fucking BBQ sauce on your fries... nerd...
The Blood Of Your Enemies - Er... who let the demon lord in here? Well, um, hey dude, if you want to do that, it's cool by us. We're buds, right? Want to chill with us and play Halo? And, just a thought, but would you like to try some ketchup with those fries? No, no... I get it... the blood of your enemies is delicious... but, here, try one of mine with some ketchup? Oh, you like that? It's good, right? See folks, even demon lords dig ketchup. Everybody else, get with the program.
NOTE: This post brought to you by the National Ketchup Board.
"Put some ketchup on your fries, Goddamnit!!!"
Wendy’s Frosty - What, are you nine? (sigh) Okay, fine, I guess the combination of sweet and salty is pretty tasty, but... I don't know... I guess it's just that I've always thought of a Wendy's Frosty as kind of the Leukemia-stricken brother of the hearty, handsome Milkshake and, hey, if you want to dip your french fries into Leukemia, I guess that's your choice. But here's a suggestion... fucking don't do that. Just don't. If you really need a sweet/salty taste fix, try some chocolate-covered pretzels or something. Leave the french fries out of it. Especially because you're in a Wendy's, dude... they've got ketchup right there by the counter. And I don't want to hear that you don't like ketchup. That's bullshit on the same level as our government's Iraq policy and... dammit... do you see what you've done?!?! You've made me use topical humor to illustrate a point and I hate doing that! You guys are assholes, man...
Mayonnaise - Whatever, Europe. Whatever. Don't get me wrong, mayonnaise is a good thing. Particularly when it's slathered on a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, say, or aggressively combined with some Starkist and onion and pickle to make a nice tuna fish salad. But as a fry dip, it's all kinds of wrong... there's no bite, no tang, no pizazz. It's just a salty starch dipped into fat, which I'll admit sounds sexy on paper, but in actual application is just a bit too much like dunking your head into a bucket of Crisco while sweating in a hot car in August. The mitigating factor here is, of course, vinegar, which is also quite popular in Europe for fry-drizzling purposes. Combining the vinegar and the mayo could work, I guess, but again... why? Why go to all the trouble when the ketchup is just sitting there, blushing, trying not to make eye contact but desperately wanting to do so. It aches for you, dude, but you're too busy dicking around with questionable condiments. The answer's right in front of your greasy face, you blind, mad fool.
BBQ Sauce - This is you: "I like the tomato-esque flavor of ketchup, but it's not punk rock enough for my extreme tastebuds! I need bold spices that are sharp and sassy and crazy, but spelled "Kraezeee!!! To the max, motherfucker!!!" Look, of all the things on this list, BBQ sauce is the one I'm the most okay with, but even still... c'mon, you fucking dork. We're not going to think you're cool no matter what, even if you use non-traditional condiments for your fry dip needs. You little rebel, you! You rabble-rouser! I bet you're in a band that's totally going to make it big once America stops being so square about shitty people that can't sing or play instruments but can drink Jack Daniels at 10am. Oooooh... aaahhhhh... your hairstyle compensates for everything you lack, don't worry. Fucking BBQ sauce on your fries... nerd...
The Blood Of Your Enemies - Er... who let the demon lord in here? Well, um, hey dude, if you want to do that, it's cool by us. We're buds, right? Want to chill with us and play Halo? And, just a thought, but would you like to try some ketchup with those fries? No, no... I get it... the blood of your enemies is delicious... but, here, try one of mine with some ketchup? Oh, you like that? It's good, right? See folks, even demon lords dig ketchup. Everybody else, get with the program.
NOTE: This post brought to you by the National Ketchup Board.
"Put some ketchup on your fries, Goddamnit!!!"
posted by Clinton at 8:15 AM
38 Comments:
Ummm.
Don't you mean FREEDOM fries, Clinton?
While ketchup is quite the classic choice, I'm a fan of mixing BBQ and horseradish sauces for my fries. I get inordinately excited upon seeing Roy Rogers b/c it's the only place I know that is guaranteed to have this fry goodness.
Lioux... Yes, but only because my mind is forever trapped in 2002. I can't wait for Attack of the Clones, by the way! It's gotta be better than The Phantom Menace!
BB... While my admittedly hard-line stance against anything other than ketchup leaves me little wiggle room, I'll admit that I'm not... exactly... opposed to horseradish sauce. It *is* delicious.
Ketchup has natural mellowing agents to help you stay calm.
Outstanding position paper on Ketchup. However, there is one flaw in your argument and as an American I have to point it out, and that is your stance on not putting ketchup on a hotdog? are you really a terrorist? are you out of your mind? Catsup (thats right I spelled it all southern) was invented for hotdogs, It brings out all that is good in America, especially the ones you eat at the ballpark...My goodness I am having a patriotic moment right now just thinking about eating a Hot Dog right now.... such beautiful assorted meat guts all rolled into a cylinder ...Please say it aint so Clinton, take it back....
This post reminds me that I need to buy more ketchup on my way home, actually. If "Put some ketchup on your fries, Goddamnit!!!" was on my Heinz Ketchup label, I'd mark out hardcore. :)
I'm also the occasional fan of the BBQ sauce with fries - but I don't go out of my way for it, I only use it if I happen to be already eating something with BBQ sauce (a la chicken mcnuggets or something). Same goes for ranch dressing - nothing like some yummy chicken strips and fries dipped in some ranch.
Is it lunchtime yet? Damn.
Garlic mayo my friend, garlic mayo. The tastiness of garlic (best with lots of chopped garlic right in the mayo) in the form of fatty goodness. All ready to be scooped up on a crispy fry and then shoved in my face. oh yeah!
Bill... I cannot. Ketchup on a hotdog is wrong, immoral, and it makes the baby Jesus cry. Which, of course, means that I'm living in a "sleeping with the enemy" situation, seeing as how Girlfriend puts ketchup on both her hamburgers AND hot dogs.
Giggleloop... Ranch dressing can be tolerated, but it's something you should only do once or twice a year, and ONLY if the fries are covered in melted cheese and bacon. I think there's a clause in the Declaration of Independence that states that specifically.
Heavy B... I'm intruiged by this concept, but it strikes me as something that's almost too good to be true. Like, if I were to purchase some sort of garlic mayo product, I'd end up on trial for treason. Just what's your game, Heavy B???
Ketchup on hot dogs is a horrifying crime against humanity and I am glad that someone is finally speaking out about it. Besides being gastronomically appalling, it also visually resembles the finger that lady found in her Wendy's chili. So just NOT.
As far as stuff you can dip your fries into, though, where's CHEESE? The cheese fry is man's greatest invention, right next to those purple lights that light up the ground under your car. And, I guess, the wheel, because those lights wouldn't as cool if cars just sat on rocks or stumps or something.
See, when I think of cheese fries, what comes to mind is the monstrosity that they serve at Outback... a big lump of fries covered in two kinds of melted cheese and bacon bits, served with ranch dressing. I recognize the existence of the gloopy, cheese sauce-draped cheese fries, but I don't personally care for them.
Unless I'm eating at Nathan's in Coney Island... then all bets are off.
i don't know dude. I love ketchup on everything. It just seems so right.
- Ranch dressing
- Nutella
Gee Sally. With a name like "Tomato" you'd think you'd be all Team Ketchup(sp?) and everything.
I've discovered that dipping my french fried po-taters in ranch is very delightful.
I'm with you on folks that overuse ketchup though...another condiment I often see being slathered over everything is Tabasco or Hot Sauce. I enjoy a few liberal dashes of Chalula on some foods myself, but come on Yeah, I get it your so tough cause you’ve completely burned off your taste buds. No? Oh, it’s a cultural thing...I see your people’s salivary glands only work when your mouth is on fire. Whatever.
Suriving... Are you one of those people that literally puts ketchup on everything? Like, on whatever you're eating, there's ketchup, no matter how ungodly the flavor combo? Because if that's the case, then I just don't get you. I mean, hey, live your life the way you see fit... but just know that there will one day be a reckoning and the streets will run red with sinner's ketchup-y blood. But if you're cool with that, then go nuts.
Sally... Nutella? NUTELLA? No, no, no, no... Nutella is only to be eaten straight out of the jar with a spoon in the middle of the night after a night of very heavy drinking. Also, the jar of Nutella should belong to your roommate.
Lioux... Heeey, that's right. What are you hiding, Sally Tomat-NO??? (see what I did there?)
Digital... True story, there was this regular customer that I had when I used to work at the Outback in Arlington. He'd come in, order a steak (well done, of course) and then proceed to dump half a bottle... no joke, HALF A BOTTLE... of Tabasco all over it. He had like a cloud of pepper funk hanging over him the entire time he was there. It was nasty. And, like, why bother even eating food when you're just going to burn it and obliterate it with cayenne? What's the point?
I am insanely hungry now. Thanks a lot.
My game is TASTY!
Also, I like to dip fries in peanut sauce if available. And how could you forget BLUE CHEESE DRESSING?? The dressing of tasty!
And now I am super distracted with all the dipping sauces I could be eating right now. dammit.
Todd... Muwahahahaha!!!
Heavy B... Your ideas are radical and dangerous, sir. I am contacting the FBI and asking that you immediately be put under surveilance.
Clinton, I could talk all day about dipping sauces. And maybe I will! Let the FBI take me away! Add some chopped fresh herbs to that garlic mayo!
But all this talk really makes me want beer and fries. All I have here in my office is coffee, cough drops, and your fabulous blog. sigh.
One day, pampered college kids are going to be wearing your face on their t-shirts. Viva la Dipping Sauce Revolution!!!
And thanks for calling my blog "fabulous." This may be another one of your crazy, free-thinking ideas, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
(melted cough drops could be a dipping sauce. A horrible one, but still)
Heroin and french fries...now there is a combo.
I'd inject french fries into my veins, were that a possibility. WITH KETCHUP!!!
Maybe you've stumbled onto something there...french fries injected with ketchup flavored herion!
I'm a little late to this, but man, mix that ketchup up WITH the mayo and you have a tasty dipping extravaganza.
Digital... This idea is a goldmine, dude. We're going to be billionaires in jail for selling heroin!!!
Cheese... Um, okay. I'm going to take this ketchup/mayo hybrid you're suggesting and wad it up into a tight little ball that we can put on a shelf and label "butt-nasty." That way, we never have to worry about it and we'll always know where it is.
You're awesome.
Why thank you! But most of the credit should go to the uppers.
outback fucks up cheese fries if they just slop it all on there. that's just gross. they should be either lightly dresser or, preferably, accompanied by a little side of cheese that you can dip each fry lovingly into and eat with delectable cheesy fry goodness on every crisp little bite.
Oh great I am officially now the hungriest I have ever been.
You are filled to the brim with filthy wrongness. When a plate of cheese fries arrives, it should just look like a plate of lumpy melted cheese. With bacon. Only after some digging with your fork (or if your hands are calloused and heat-resistant, you fingers) should you be able to uncover the actual fries.
So it is written and so it shall be.
You know, until now I thought of you as this really funny, really smart, really awesome guy who was possibly the reason the web was invented. Now I just think you're this really funny, really smart, really awesome guy who was possibly the reason the web was invented and who just does not get any of my cheese fries. Ever.
Gravy.
There, I said it.
Wow, this topic apparently hit a nerve.
-Phoenix
How come no one mentioned Vinegar?
Stew... Fine! I don't want any of your cheese fries anyway. You're not my real dad! Also, thanks for the compliments n' junk, but porn was the real reason that the web was invented. Doye.
Braden... Cream gravy, yes. Brown gravy... perhaps, but I feel like if I dip fries into brown gravy, I'm giving up my Southern roots and officially crossing over to the Northerner side.
Phoenix... This is just proof that people in general would much rather talk about fry dips than, say, the presidential election.
David... Probably because I mentioned it in the actual post.
yeah, c, i can't believe you forgot cream gravy! and you say you're from texas. it's the only way. do you remember when arby's used to have homestyle fries and gravy? heaven. also, i'm on the euro-mayo train. or homemade aioli. or however you spell it. nothing better than raw eggs, garlic and a buttload of olive oil. MMNMMMMMSMDMSDKSKDM!
Yeah, yeah... hey, I'm not perfect. And at least I'm siding with those smelly Europeans.
Team Mustard here!
Yum.
Mustard.
I'm not a sweets person so ketchup is not for me.
who invented french fries dipped into ketchup?
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