Here's A Picture Of Mariah Carey Posing With A Disabled Homeless Gentleman

NOTE: Apparently this picture is a few years old. Whatever. I just saw it and, also, I don't care. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

Topics Of Discussion

-I don't really get her. I mean, yeah, she's got a voice that makes birds look like farting truckers, and she's a got a body that's scientifically designed to make men's dongs rip through an average pair of khakis, but... you know... c'mon. She's kind of everything that's bad about the music industry poured into a dress more expensive than all the cars I've ever owned combined (which is around $382). Also, she's solely responsible for that bullshitty way that girls on American Idol sing with all the notes flying everywhere and the trying to cram eight octaves into a song that, at most, can handle three. I hate that, and I hate Mariah Carey. However, having said that, I will admit that "Always Be My Baby" is so ridiculously fucking catchy, it's one of my favorite songs of the 90s simply because it takes three weeks of intensive Jungian therapy to get it out of my head after I catch it on the radio. If Ebola could carry a tune, it would be that song.

-Why would you want to pose next to a homeless guy anyway? Even lame-ass college kids don't do that anymore because this one time, Tyler's older brother's best friend's cousin got stabbed by this one guy who lived under the overpass and drank his own pee. It's true. He like can't even walk anymore and it's sooooo sad. He was just trying to score some weed.

-Oh, that totally reminds me... true story... when I was in film school, we had to do a documentary project on whatever topic we wanted as part of our semester final. This one guy in my class decided to just be homeless for 48 hours and have someone film him doing it, so he could really understand and explore the "homeless experience." Um, is it possible to get more bourgeois college-boy than that? That's like the apex, right? What's even funnier is that he basically spent his whole "homeless experience" on the subway, reading a book. And then he gave up halfway through because he got hungry. I mean, why don't we put everything that people hate about 22-year-olds in a display window at Macy's while we're at it? Tourists can take tons of pictures and then make scrapbooks titled, "You're A Waste Of Space Douchebag With Rich Parents Who Hug Too Much."

-When she's squatting down there, smiling all big and megawatts like that, do you think it crossed her mind that he probably shat in that wheelchair like maybe an hour before? And right after she got back into her limo and peeled off into the fake-lit, backdropped Hollywood night, he probably jerked off in the poo while thinking about her hair and humming "Visions of Love." Ew, do you think that's why she did it? Do you think she likes inspiring homeless men to masturbate, like, that's her kink or something? Well it would make sense, seeing as how she's superhuman awful. Or... wait... is that considered charity? Fuck, the world is confusing. Also gross.

-Another true story... I nearly got shanked by this one homeless dude that used to hang around the video store I worked at in Austin. He was always drinking vodka out of a paper bag and used to show up and spread a whole bunch of newspapers all over our sidewalk for like no reason at all. So this one time I had to go out there and tell him to shove off because he was freaking out the hipsters trying to rent old Antonioni films, and he totally flipped... started screaming and yelling and he took off his shirt; real loony tunes shit. I just stood there and was like, "Scream all you want, Raggedy Man, but you gotta split!" Then he pulled a knife out of his pocket; a serial-killer, lock-blade affair that he probably boosted from a sporting goods store or something. He keeps screaming and wild-eyeing me, but now it's actually scary because the dude's rocking a weapon. Now that I've started telling you this, I kinda wish it had a better ending... like, I jumped up and knocked him out with a Jet Li to the face and then it turned out that he was wanted across eight states for murdering nurses and I was suddenly a national hero and there was a big parade. But, yeah, the real ending is just kind of whatever. I flipped him off and then went back inside and called the cops. Lame. But life's like that, I guess.