Bad Toys: A Selection From The '07 Class
Some fancy-pants consumer reports watchdog group has released their Worst Toys of ‘07 list, which is designed to let parents know which toys currently on the market are the most hazardous to their children's health. You can read the full list by clicking on the above link, but I've taken the five most interesting items and featured them here on ZFS! as a part of the ongoing, mandatory community service that I'm currently working off for the state. You understand, I'm sure. Anyway...
Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger
Reason Why It's Bad: Any ER doctor or nurse will tell you that 95% of all fatal stabbings come from a person trying to cut a bagel with a dull knife (the remaining 5% come from drunk NFL linebackers at strip clubs, but that statistic is not relevant here). Because the knife is dull, the bagel-eater must apply much more force, causing the blade to slip and stab over and over again his wife who's been whoring her ass all over the downtown area, did you think I wouldn't find OUT??? Anyway, the same principle applies to the Jack Sparrow Spinning Knife; it's just not sharp enough to penetrate the flesh of a demon pirate (or whatever the hell that movie was on about) and thus the user must make several attempts at bringing down their foe. This, sadly, usually gives the demon pirate plenty of opportunity to eat the child's face. With a proper, sharp dagger, this would never be a problem.
Dora The Explorer Lamp
Reason Why It's Bad: Makes kids think that Mexican children can glow in the dark, which we all know is false. Chinese children, yes. Mexican children, no.
Hip Hoppa
Reason Why It's Bad: Gives kids the false impression that they're receiving a package filled to the brim with Kool Moe Dee, Doug E. Fresh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, and The Sugarhill Gang. This couldn't be farther from the truth. The Hip Hoppa is actually just some kind of futuristic pogo stick or something and has no ties to the urban rap scene of the mid-80's. This will cause your children to wonder just why in the hell they've been buying all these fresh Adidas and gold chains in the first place, which will eventually lead them to giving up all interest entirely in the golden age of Hip-Hop. Then they'll have no choice but to start buying Hoobastank CDs. You don't want that, parents. You just don't.
Lil' Giddy Up Horses
Reason Why It's Bad: Isn't it obvious? I mean, look at them. They're the gayest thing since Jobriath. Not even little girls can get away with playing with toys that look like a drag queen's hilariously misguided idea of a purse. Basically, buying your son or daughter a Lil' Giddy Up Horse means you want to abuse your kids, but you'd much rather the neighborhood bullies did the actual heavy lifting. As it were.
My Little Baby Born
Reason Why It's Bad: As everyone who's ever read a Stephen King novel or seen a bad horror movie from the 70's knows, all baby dolls are possessed by the devil. Don't believe me? Stare into the eyes of the doll in the picture up top, there. Now check to see if you've still got a soul. You don't, do you? It's because little Baby Born just swallowed it up and crapped it down to Satan himself. Congratulations, dude; you're now this doll's bitch. Enjoy that. Oh, and don't buy this toy for your kids. Evil lurks within.
Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger
Reason Why It's Bad: Any ER doctor or nurse will tell you that 95% of all fatal stabbings come from a person trying to cut a bagel with a dull knife (the remaining 5% come from drunk NFL linebackers at strip clubs, but that statistic is not relevant here). Because the knife is dull, the bagel-eater must apply much more force, causing the blade to slip and stab over and over again his wife who's been whoring her ass all over the downtown area, did you think I wouldn't find OUT??? Anyway, the same principle applies to the Jack Sparrow Spinning Knife; it's just not sharp enough to penetrate the flesh of a demon pirate (or whatever the hell that movie was on about) and thus the user must make several attempts at bringing down their foe. This, sadly, usually gives the demon pirate plenty of opportunity to eat the child's face. With a proper, sharp dagger, this would never be a problem.
Dora The Explorer Lamp
Reason Why It's Bad: Makes kids think that Mexican children can glow in the dark, which we all know is false. Chinese children, yes. Mexican children, no.
Hip Hoppa
Reason Why It's Bad: Gives kids the false impression that they're receiving a package filled to the brim with Kool Moe Dee, Doug E. Fresh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, and The Sugarhill Gang. This couldn't be farther from the truth. The Hip Hoppa is actually just some kind of futuristic pogo stick or something and has no ties to the urban rap scene of the mid-80's. This will cause your children to wonder just why in the hell they've been buying all these fresh Adidas and gold chains in the first place, which will eventually lead them to giving up all interest entirely in the golden age of Hip-Hop. Then they'll have no choice but to start buying Hoobastank CDs. You don't want that, parents. You just don't.
Lil' Giddy Up Horses
Reason Why It's Bad: Isn't it obvious? I mean, look at them. They're the gayest thing since Jobriath. Not even little girls can get away with playing with toys that look like a drag queen's hilariously misguided idea of a purse. Basically, buying your son or daughter a Lil' Giddy Up Horse means you want to abuse your kids, but you'd much rather the neighborhood bullies did the actual heavy lifting. As it were.
My Little Baby Born
Reason Why It's Bad: As everyone who's ever read a Stephen King novel or seen a bad horror movie from the 70's knows, all baby dolls are possessed by the devil. Don't believe me? Stare into the eyes of the doll in the picture up top, there. Now check to see if you've still got a soul. You don't, do you? It's because little Baby Born just swallowed it up and crapped it down to Satan himself. Congratulations, dude; you're now this doll's bitch. Enjoy that. Oh, and don't buy this toy for your kids. Evil lurks within.
posted by Clinton at 12:48 PM
9 Comments:
So you found out about girlfriend and my trysts and liaisons? Shoot I told her i would keep her secret, how did you find ou...
oh wait, you weren't talking about girlfriend, were you?
-J
Well now I'm just upset that I wasn't invited.
Hee, hee.
Poop.
Sorry, I'm still on that.
Hoobastank, hooba-stinks.
Are they still around?
Yeesh.
Well now I know why the person I work for is souless. I would never have suspected the Baby Born on his desk. Here I was thinking it was just plain old greed had driven it out.
I could've sworn I left a comment on this already...
Anyways, it was something to the extent of me saying that Makes kids think that Mexican children can glow in the dark, which we all know is false. Chinese children, yes. Mexican children, no. was the funniest thing I've read all day.
What about the "El Boring Boringson and the Dulls" .......... I got nothing. I just wanted to bring those guys back into the fold.
Baby born- husband not included!!
Ross... Indeed, sir.
Big Daddy... I think they're still around, and if so, I'm sure they still suck butt.
Just Saying... The greed comes from the evil baby doll.
Todd... Why thank you, sir. And it's true, too!
Midwesterner... Yeah, I've got to call that guy. He owes me some heroin.
Crimson... No husband needed; Baby Born is self-replicating.
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