The 1:00am Crazy Show

As usual, I conked out last night around eleven while watching Adult Swim's nightly re-run of Futurama. This is as common a scenario around our house as my girlfriend asking me to please, for the love of God, stop leaving my empty beer cans in the shower, and normally it's were the day's story ends.

But not last night. Oh no, kids... because last night, I was treated to a personal viewing of Brooklyn's own...

1:00am Crazy Show!!!

That's right. I'd been sleeping peacefully (or as peacefully as my insomaniacal ass ever sleeps) for a couple of hours when, from the street below my open window, a loud screeching voice cut through the fog of my slumber like a chainsaw through a Texan teen in the early 70's. I tried to ignore it at first, not immediately recognizing it as the prelude to the spectacle of lunacy that it truly was. After all, usually the crazies will bark at the stars for a minute, yell out something about Socialism, and then they're on their way to the all-nite liquor emporium. This time, though, the screaming didn't stop. Finally awake, convinced that this heretofore unseen person wasn't intending to let up in the near future, I did what any concerned citizen of the five boroughs would do... I leaned out my window, hoping to get a better view of the action.

This is where things got kinda sorta creepy... when I poked my head out and surveyed the scene (we're on the fourth floor), I couldn't see anyone. There was just this disembodied voice, ranting and raving, echoing around the canyon of buildings that line the streets of Brooklyn. It was then that I realized that this crazy person was directly beneath me, his or her presence being obscured by the awning of the sushi restaurant that occupies the first floor of our place. So I listened. It was, as I said, mostly a screamed ramble of obscenities and threats, but the basic topics seemed to be:

-Prostitutes
-Diseased prostitutes
-How the crazy person was going to "bash heads"
-How the crazy person's cousin was going to "bash heads"
-How we were all "dead for looking at [him/her]"
-How [he/she] didn't have to take this shit
-Various combinations of the above; example, "My cousin's going to bash the heads of all you diseased prostitutes for looking at me!!!"

It really was an impressive, Bogosian-worthy monologue and I feel that it more than likely would still be going on now, had a new character not entered the show after about fifteen minutes. He strode out of the deli/diner/donut shop thingy across the street from my building like Gary Cooper in High Noon, his Giants sweatshirt and flip-flops speaking volumes about his hero's heart. He stepped into the street and, in a "Noo Yawk" accent thick enough to be used as blunt object to kill someone, he commanded:

"Hey you, get outta here, you fuckin' nut!"

Naturally, this only stoked the flames of crazy that were burning with such vigor in our still-unseen lunatic. His or her rage was then directly aimed at Flip-Flop Man, and he in turn gave as good as he got. They yelled at each other for a minute or two, with Flip-Flop taking the, "get outta here" stance and Unseen Crazy sticking to her, "gonna bash your heads, you diseased prostitute" guns.

Then, in what can only be described as the only sensible action taken by anyone last night, Flip-Flop ran back inside of the deli/diner/donut shop thingy after informing Unseen Crazy that he was going to call the cops. It was then that we (I) got our first look at he/she who can no longer be called Unseen. She... that's right, it was a lady... stepped into the middle of the street, never breaking the pace of her ranting, and to my surprise, she looked entirely... normal. A little trashy, perhaps a little haggard, but really no different than a lot of the vaguely scummy-looking denizens that make Brooklyn such a rich, interesting place to live. Anyway, she stood there in the middle of the street, screaming and yelling at cars as they swerved around her. Because I want you to really feel like you were there, I've taken the liberty of sketching this part of the action:

Better than a YouTube video, no?

It was then, as she ranted in the street, that we entered the Big, Exciting Climax of the 1:00am Crazy Show. Our hero, Flip-Flop, returned to the stage, this time wielding what appeared to be a rolled-up copy of the New York Post. "The cops are coming, you crazy bitch!," he shouted, menacing her with his cudgel. Now-Seen Crazy darted from the street, back under the awning of the sushi restaurant, and reemerged a second later with a large purse filled with god-knows-what. She began swinging it around like mace and Flip-Flop, not being the type to fear a swung purse, advanced on Now-Seen Crazy. They met in the street and began hitting each other with their respective weapons. Expletives flew from both parties. Finally, goodness and the Giants won out. Now-Seen Crazy backed off, screaming that she was going to get her cousin to help her "bash heads." She ran off, heading down a side street, leaving Flip-Flop standing alone. He was out of breath, but clearly relieved that the fight had ended in his favor. He sighed heavily, turned, and headed back to the deli/diner/donut shop thingy, looking, one can only assume, for a snack that would pair well with the taste of victory.

And... Curtain!!!

Postlude: About twenty minutes after our characters left the stage, a police cruiser rolled by. A cop got out, looked around, saw nothing, got back in his car, and away they went. Flip-Flop's heroism remains unsung.