Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The 1:00am Crazy Show

As usual, I conked out last night around eleven while watching Adult Swim's nightly re-run of Futurama. This is as common a scenario around our house as my girlfriend asking me to please, for the love of God, stop leaving my empty beer cans in the shower, and normally it's were the day's story ends.

But not last night. Oh no, kids... because last night, I was treated to a personal viewing of Brooklyn's own...

1:00am Crazy Show!!!

That's right. I'd been sleeping peacefully (or as peacefully as my insomaniacal ass ever sleeps) for a couple of hours when, from the street below my open window, a loud screeching voice cut through the fog of my slumber like a chainsaw through a Texan teen in the early 70's. I tried to ignore it at first, not immediately recognizing it as the prelude to the spectacle of lunacy that it truly was. After all, usually the crazies will bark at the stars for a minute, yell out something about Socialism, and then they're on their way to the all-nite liquor emporium. This time, though, the screaming didn't stop. Finally awake, convinced that this heretofore unseen person wasn't intending to let up in the near future, I did what any concerned citizen of the five boroughs would do... I leaned out my window, hoping to get a better view of the action.

This is where things got kinda sorta creepy... when I poked my head out and surveyed the scene (we're on the fourth floor), I couldn't see anyone. There was just this disembodied voice, ranting and raving, echoing around the canyon of buildings that line the streets of Brooklyn. It was then that I realized that this crazy person was directly beneath me, his or her presence being obscured by the awning of the sushi restaurant that occupies the first floor of our place. So I listened. It was, as I said, mostly a screamed ramble of obscenities and threats, but the basic topics seemed to be:

-Prostitutes
-Diseased prostitutes
-How the crazy person was going to "bash heads"
-How the crazy person's cousin was going to "bash heads"
-How we were all "dead for looking at [him/her]"
-How [he/she] didn't have to take this shit
-Various combinations of the above; example, "My cousin's going to bash the heads of all you diseased prostitutes for looking at me!!!"

It really was an impressive, Bogosian-worthy monologue and I feel that it more than likely would still be going on now, had a new character not entered the show after about fifteen minutes. He strode out of the deli/diner/donut shop thingy across the street from my building like Gary Cooper in High Noon, his Giants sweatshirt and flip-flops speaking volumes about his hero's heart. He stepped into the street and, in a "Noo Yawk" accent thick enough to be used as blunt object to kill someone, he commanded:

"Hey you, get outta here, you fuckin' nut!"

Naturally, this only stoked the flames of crazy that were burning with such vigor in our still-unseen lunatic. His or her rage was then directly aimed at Flip-Flop Man, and he in turn gave as good as he got. They yelled at each other for a minute or two, with Flip-Flop taking the, "get outta here" stance and Unseen Crazy sticking to her, "gonna bash your heads, you diseased prostitute" guns.

Then, in what can only be described as the only sensible action taken by anyone last night, Flip-Flop ran back inside of the deli/diner/donut shop thingy after informing Unseen Crazy that he was going to call the cops. It was then that we (I) got our first look at he/she who can no longer be called Unseen. She... that's right, it was a lady... stepped into the middle of the street, never breaking the pace of her ranting, and to my surprise, she looked entirely... normal. A little trashy, perhaps a little haggard, but really no different than a lot of the vaguely scummy-looking denizens that make Brooklyn such a rich, interesting place to live. Anyway, she stood there in the middle of the street, screaming and yelling at cars as they swerved around her. Because I want you to really feel like you were there, I've taken the liberty of sketching this part of the action:


Better than a YouTube video, no?
It was then, as she ranted in the street, that we entered the Big, Exciting Climax of the 1:00am Crazy Show. Our hero, Flip-Flop, returned to the stage, this time wielding what appeared to be a rolled-up copy of the New York Post. "The cops are coming, you crazy bitch!," he shouted, menacing her with his cudgel. Now-Seen Crazy darted from the street, back under the awning of the sushi restaurant, and reemerged a second later with a large purse filled with god-knows-what. She began swinging it around like mace and Flip-Flop, not being the type to fear a swung purse, advanced on Now-Seen Crazy. They met in the street and began hitting each other with their respective weapons. Expletives flew from both parties. Finally, goodness and the Giants won out. Now-Seen Crazy backed off, screaming that she was going to get her cousin to help her "bash heads." She ran off, heading down a side street, leaving Flip-Flop standing alone. He was out of breath, but clearly relieved that the fight had ended in his favor. He sighed heavily, turned, and headed back to the deli/diner/donut shop thingy, looking, one can only assume, for a snack that would pair well with the taste of victory.
And... Curtain!!!
Postlude: About twenty minutes after our characters left the stage, a police cruiser rolled by. A cop got out, looked around, saw nothing, got back in his car, and away they went. Flip-Flop's heroism remains unsung.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Charlotte said...

Man, nothing interesting ever happens in my neighborhood. Sounds like fun. Well, sort of.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Well, it is only going to get worse finding entertainment with the writers on strike. I wish I could have seen the show you did last night.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Charlotte... Well, maybe *you* can start the excitement in your neighborhood. Just start screaming and ranting around 1am. Things should get real intersting in a hurry.

Midwesterner... Yeah, it was quite the performance. I should have taped it for future, strike-weathering entertainment.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I've seen this show before! Gotta say, I do not miss this crazy show. Although I do miss the ability to open my window, yell at the crazy show to shut the fuck up because people are trying to sleep, and being able to shut the window four flights up in safety. When the neighbors' yipyip dog starts howling in the early morning, our windows are painted shut & we live directly next door, so in the interest of keeping peace, there will be no yelling.
Yet.

12:35 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

dammit, this makes me so mad. I'm gonna go bash some heads.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous David said...

You should have thrown her a sad sandwich and the problem would have been solved as judging from your picture all she needed was food.

2:00 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I'm not sure a Saddest Sandwich would've held her. Homegirl is three stories tall, it appears.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Colleen... I'd just anonymously set fire to their house, but that's just how I roll.

David & Stew... Pointing out the flaws in my drawing skills makes me cry. Just so you know, meanies!!!

2:28 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I'm sorry, I assumed it was photo-accurate. My bad.

3:30 PM  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

You've done us all a disservice, sir, by not attempting to videotape this nugget of Brooklyn magic.

4:26 PM  
Anonymous David said...

I was not pointing out your flaws I thought you reflected an accurate portrayal of the situation and from her size (width not height) deducted that she needed food. Although I did think that was a knobby headed cross up in the window. I did also wonder about her bozo the clown like hairdo but put that down to she was having a bad hair day not your Picasso like drawing skill.

4:28 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Sorry about last night. I forgot to take my Prozac. If you need me, I'll be hanging out with the prostitutes and hopefully refraining from bashing heads.

5:30 PM  
Anonymous eric the beehivehairdresser said...

By any chance was she Eastern European and blonde?

8:06 PM  
Blogger skinbeatergreg said...

Don't sweat the size of CrazyLady--Just call it foreshortening

12:46 AM  
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1:40 AM  

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