Thursday, November 01, 2007

Confessions Of A Public Urinator

This is slightly embarrassing to admit, but for you to fully understand this story and the motives behind it, I must come clean: I, C-dog, have a small bladder. By that, I mean, I have to pee a lot. Especially when I've been drinking, and if you've ever hoisted a few beers with me, you know that much is true. Why is this? Don't know... a quirk of biology, I guess, or maybe it's the penance I'm required to pay for being such a drunkard all the time. Either way, it's a pain in the butt. Or, rather, a pain in the wang. Whatever, you get my point.

Anyway, last night, I was at a bar in the Times Square area of Manhattan with some friends, celebrating one amongst their number's birthday. A good time was had by all and, when I left, it goes without saying that I was, as Aristotle so eloquently put it in his seminal work, Nichomachean Ethics, "about a pube away from being just totally hammered." It should be noted, though, that I had the presence of mind to pee at the bar (in the bathroom, not at the actual bar) before I left. Not that it mattered much, of course, because of the aforementioned issue, as you will soon see.

So, I stumbled down the stairs to the 49th street platform, caught the R train to Brooklyn, and for a time, all was well. Then... around the City Hall stop... I began to feel the need. For those of you who've never had to pee before, let me see if I can explain the need to you: It's a lot like suddenly discovering that you're pregnant with the Atlantic Ocean, and that the Atlantic Ocean is in a big-ass hurry to exit your body and get back it's comfortable life as a large body of water. It's a combination of terrible pressure and winching, sharp pains, and it can make riding on a rocky subway about as much fun as being squished in one of those industrial press thingies that they used to kill Schwarzenegger in the first Terminator.

So, a few stops later, we pull into the Court St. station and, because the need had intensified to a ridiculous level, I knew that I now had to take matters into my own hands. I exited the train and I walked all the way to the end of the platform, as far away from the stairs and from the other people waiting for trains as I could get.

Now, okay, I recognize that peeing off of a subway platform isn't... um... the smoothest thing a guy can do. It's, frankly, pretty gross and at least four different kinds of sad. But what would you have me do? Pee on the train? Piss myself? Die from an exploded bladder? No... because all of those things would lead to my humiliation and/or demise and you don't want that. Thus, to the platform's edge, go I.

And go I did. Right next to a sleeping homeless man, actually, who thankfully didn't wake up while I did my business. Though if he had, I think we'd have shared a special moment: "You pee off of subway platforms? Hey, I pee off subway platforms!!! Brothers for life, C-dog?" And we would have been. But I wouldn't have hugged him because homeless men are gross and have diseases.

Hm... Not sure I was going with any of this. Well, no matter, let's just say that last night, I peed in public, and it was pretty awesome.


Blogger Ben K. said...

Funny. I wrote about the subway Rules of Conduct today, and you've gone and broken rule 1050.7 (a). Tsk, tsk, Clinton.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Breakin' the law, BREAKIN' THE LAW!!!

11:21 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I've been in that situation before (although I've held it until reaching a restroom) and would gladly have paid to use one of those fancy Parisian pay toilets. We need some of them here in this city.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Chris W said...

If there's one thing I've learned from my time reading it's that you peeing in public like that was risky. It seems our nation of "Think of the children!" Lovejoys makes it almost a sexual offense to be exposed in public and sometimes people get put on the sex offender list for peeing in public.

And I don't think the following exchange would help your cause:
Officer: Why are you flashing your pee-pee (NYPD official language for a penis) in public?

Clint: Officer, I have the need!

Officer: Let's go! (Said in an Irish brogue while he swings his stainless steel whistle around on its chain)

End Scene.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jeff... A friend of mine told me once that there actually used to be toilets in the subway stations, but they were removed because they weren't handicapped-friendly. I don't know if that's true, but it sounds right.

Chris... Food for thought, dude. I'd totally hate to get arrested because I had to take a leak.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

So close to having a new BFF Rose...

Maybe next time, eh?

2:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IDK, my BFF Homeless Joe?

3:49 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You were lucky.

Not only would you have got a ticket for public urination, you could have been taken in for public intoxication.

At least that's what happened to Ty on Real World Denver.

4:00 PM  
Blogger i like cheese said...

Dude, get yourself a NYSC membership.
Even if you never set foot in the gym, it's certainly worth it to have a bathroom at your disposal on pretty much every block in the five boroughs! Ha!

4:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Hex... One day, man. One day.

Anonymous... Funny!

Big Daddy... Good thing I don't pee in Denver a lot.

Cheese... I usually use Barnes And Noble for that purpose, but they would have been closed. Thanks for the tip, though!

4:19 PM  

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