Arbitrary Rulings 6

Novels With Animal Protagonists - I fully recognize that this is a "me" thing, but I absolutely cannot stand novels that are told through the eyes of a dog, say, or anything really that's not a human being. And it's not like I hate animals or something... I don't. I love animals; animals rock, particularly dogs, snakes, and monkey's that are dressed-up like cowboys. Maybe it's just that, while I do love animals, I don't really care about their interior lives. I'm sure they've all got wonderful stories to tell us about life on the farm or about killing mice in the big city or whatever... because they can't talk for themselves, I'd rather it all remain a mystery. Some dork's idea of what a dog feels like when he hears "the call of the wild" doesn't interest me. Yeah, that's right, I just called Jack London a dork! Who wants a piece of me!!!

Heath Ledger as The Joker - Holy crap, they turned The Joker into a grimy junkie who just discovered the wide array of make-up available at his local Hot Topic! Oh, but I kid the upcoming Batman feature. Actually, I think Heath Ledger is a great choice, especially since, and I really mean this, he's just nasty hot. And he's a good actor, too, of course. And not just in Brokeback Mountain, either... anyone remember a little picture called 10 Things I Hate About You? In that one, Ledger proved himself the Olivier of actors who can sing old pop standards while dancing on some bleachers.

Mint Jelly - I bring this up because Girlfriend made lamb chops for dinner last night; it goes without saying that they were so good, she had to hit me a few times on the head with a wooden spoon to get me to stop humping her leg. But, as it often does with lamb chops, the subject of mint jelly came up, and that's where we've got a problem. Okay, it's not technically a problem... Girlfriend doesn't force it upon me or anything, but still. Mint jelly is just so fucking nasty. It's all green and cold and wiggly and fake-minty... whenever I see it, I can only imagine that it's the stuff that came out of the meteorite right behind the The Blob. Sure, it's not as aggressive and take-over-the-world-y, but it's every bit as evil. Also, it's odor is exactly what I assume an elf's fart smells like.

Violent Femmes - "I take one one one cause you left me, and two two two for my family, and three three three for my heartache and four four four for my headaches and five five five for my lonely and six six six for my sorrow and seven seven for no tomorrow and eight eight I forget what eight was for and nine nine nine for a lost God and ten ten ten ten for everything everything everything everything!!!" Man, I love that song. I totally had to restrain myself from starting a mini-mosh on the subway this morning when it popped up on my iPod.

Grungy Clothing - I'm sorry corporate America, did I offend you with my shirts that have holes in them and my pants with torn cuffs? Did I blow your automaton minds with my non-standard style of dress? Are you too square to groove on the vibes my shredded threads are putting out, MAN?!?! Er... sorry. Lot of coffee this morning. Anyway, I've got a ton of clothes that are various degrees of ripped up and wearing them makes me feel like a guy who's lived a rich, full, clothes-destroying kind of life. And, added bonus, they allow me to blend in unnoticed amongst the homeless community. Which is how I get my free soup on.