Monday, November 05, 2007

Soups Of An Unpleasent Color: A Pictorial

NOTE: These are all a part of the Imagine Foods line of gourmet, potentially organic soups. I'm sure they all taste just delicious. I am positive, however, that they all look nasty. Let's begin...

Example #1

I'm sorry, but there's nothing appetizing about a soup that's the color of the walls in a DMV. And, seriously, this picture is actually being kind; the actual box-photo (which inspired this post) makes the soup look a color of gray that's found only in the most threatening of storm clouds. Eating this would be like chowing down on a mushroom-flavored representation of the sadness that lurks within us all. Also, mushroom soup sounds gross, and I'm a guy that actually likes mushrooms. But as a soup? Hm... no.

Example #2

The fact that it's green isn't even the issue. I've seen some green soups that were vibrant-looking; both fresh in appearance and infinitely desirable with their showy hue the color of a Leprechaun's pants. This soup though... blah. It's the same shade as the wallpaper from your Mom's first apartment in the 70's. The photographers have attempted to distract the eye by placing what seems to be a spray of fall foliage in the soup, but to no avail. It still looks like a bowl of crap drained from an infected wound.

Example #3

Okay, with this one, it's not so much that the color is offensive. It's more that the color is sneaky and deceptive. When you see a bowl of soup that's the above reddish-orange hue, what do you expect to scoop up with a spoon and eat, dreamily, on an autumn afternoon? Tomato soup, naturally. But what do you do when you've scooped up this sunset-colored brew and placed it eagerly in your mouth, only to discover that it's actually a nasty slop made from... (shudder)... sweet potatoes? Easy. You use your spoon to beat the ever-lovin' crap out of whomever served it to you, then you drown them in the "soup" when they've been rendered unconscious. In case you missed it, I think sweet potatoes are disgusting. Eating them tastes like you've been orally violated by a Pilgrim.

Example #4

Yikes. I urge anyone about to consume this to get a hold of some black food-coloring, use it to make two black spots and a half-circle, and then pretend you're cannibalizing a Smiley Face as you go about eating the yellowest soup ever to be served on purpose. Or, if that's not your bag, you could make some straight lines of thinly cut parsley across the soup's surface and pretend you're eating a legal pad. It's less fun, of course, but I guess it's also less psychotic.

Example #5

Funny, this soup is like a wrinkle in time; It looks exactly like the diarrhea that you're going to have as an after-effect of eating the soup. Which came first? Would one exist without the other? This is the soup/diarrhea equivalent of Michael J. Fox making sure his parents hooked up in Back to the Future.


Blogger stew said...

I'll just have a Saddest Sandwich, extra patheticness, and a large Diet.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No kidding--I had the Cuban Black Bean Bisque for lunch today and you are right: Garbage in, garbage out!

3:50 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... You really need to be careful with the patheticness. A little goes a long, sad way.

Greg..."garbage in, garbage out" is how I'm going to describe bad food from here on out. Thanks for the verbage!!!

3:55 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I had mushroom soup last night!

It tastes like turkey gravy if you add some garlic salt to it.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I'm pretty sure The Wife buys that stuff and hides the boxes.

10:40 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I want the job of Partial Garnisher, like the dude who got to decorate the 1/8 of the soup for the box photo. How hard can that gig be?????

9:43 AM  

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