Thursday, November 08, 2007

ZFS! Takes On The Wheel Of Fortune: Celebrity Edition Line-Up

While reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly on the toilet this morning, I discovered (via a flashy, trying-to-hard advertisement) that it is now apparently time for the latest "Celebrity Edition" of everyone's favorite hangman-influenced game show, Wheel of Fortune. This filled me with... well, apathy, frankly, seeing as how the last time I actually watched Wheel of Fortune, I was probably twelve or thirteen and just killing time before the The Simpsons rerun came on. Still, seeing as how I've got nothing else to talk about today, and given the fact that attacking semi-demi-quasi-sorta-kinda famous people always seems like a fun mid-morning activity, let's take a look at who's going to be spinning the great wheel o' fortune for their favorite charities. And then let's make fun of them.

Monday, Nov. 12th

Neil Patrick Harris - Now, dammit... I set out specifically to rip on undeserving celebrities who are just trying to do a nice thing for a worthy cause and, fuck, the first person they give me to work with is somebody whom I really dig. I saw NPH in Cabaret on Broadway a few years ago and then I sued him for replacement socks because he blew mine off!!! Ahem... yes, he was quite good in that production and I hear he's quite good on that How I Met Your Mother show, even though I haven't seen it myself (despite the fact that it's got Willow from Buffy on it). So, fine. Carry on, Neil Patrick Harris. Let's move on...
Robert Gossett - Okay, never heard of this guy! He's on The Closer, which I know my Mom's a big fan of. I'm going to say that he's probably like the fourth-lead and isn't even in every episode; probably plays a sassy, wisecrackin' coroner or something.
Diane Neal - She's kind of hot, but again, she's on one of the Law and Orders and she's not that hunky Det. Stabler or that foxy... uh... lady detective with the hard-to-spell name, so, therefore, we can only assume that Diane Neal also plays a sassy, wisecrackin' coroner. But one that's got a nice rack.

Tuesday, Nov. 13th

Paula Deen - I love her because she reminds me of my Southern roots, but seriously, she's trying to kill America. Have you seen the amount of butter this lady puts in stuff??? I mean, I'm a dude who likes fatty, fried things as much as the next future coronary candidate but, sheesh. Eating one of her casseroles is like playing Russian Roulette with an Uzi.
Steve Schirripa - I kind of bugged out on The Sopranos before he really became a big part of the show, but I remember him being there sort of vaguely in the background and I remember him as being very fat. I'm sure he and Paula Deen will be soul-kissing before the first commercial break. Also, isn't he the one that's written a bunch of Italian-y, mobster-ish books to leach off of The Sopranos fame? If so, he's perfect for this program.
Sherri Shepherd - I love how they put all the fat people together on one episode. You know that shit was done on purpose; the producers assume that if a Sherri Shepherd is placed next to a Diane Neal, the latter will catch the "fatty disease" and balloon up on-camera like an over-inflated life raft. Which would be great television for us, but probably bad for Law and Order; no one likes a sassy, wisecrackin' corner that's morbidly obese.

Wednesday, Nov. 14th

Kristan Cunningham - I'm sorry, but who the fuck is this? She's cute and all, but she's listed as being from The Rachael Ray Show. Um... isn't that, like, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show? What, is this chick, like her sidekick or something? I mean, c'mon guys, it's not like Rachael Ray's better than the Wheel; she endorses fucking Dunkin' Donuts for christssake! You guys should have easily been able to get the real deal on your show and not this sycophantic chippie who looks like the girl at frat parties who drinks to much and ends up crying on the porch because her High School boyfriend dumped her four years ago. I assume, of course; again, I don't know who she is.
Montel Williams - I don't know what it is, but something about Montel Williams always struck me as deeply, deeply disingenuous. Like, I bet if you got right up next to him, he'd smell exactly like a used-car dealership or a conference room that hosts a lot of pyramid scheme sign-ups. He is a fine lookin' hunk of talk show host, though, I'll give him that.
Sandra Lee - HATE!!! She's the bitch that does that Semi-Homemade show on The Food Network; I urge you, at least once, to check it out because it's the most offensive thing to ever get broadcast over the airwaves since that shit they picked up on the satellites in Videodrome. The entire show is this, exactly: "Hey housewives, let's make a refreshing summer dip for you to serve your man when he comes home from a hard day at the office. First, open a bottle of ranch dressing. Next, dump it in a bowl. Now, go put on an apron and have another baby. When your husband comes home, serve him the dip. Then serve him (wink!)." Seriously, it's disgusting, but hilariously so. Watch it and hate her with me.

Thursday, Nov. 15th

Alison Sweeney - No clue who she is, but totally click on her name then come back. I'll wait. Did you see it!?!? She's got the eyes of a madman! I swear to fuck, right after that picture was taken, she ate the cameraman's heart right out of his chest cavity. If she's like that all the time, I'd totally watch whatever bullshit program she's on. I dig scary chicks that know the taste of blood.
Paige Hemmis - If you look like a tranny anyway, it's probably not a good idea to walk around wearing a tool-belt. That only heightens the comparison.
Jeff Probst - I was going to talk about how he's one of the few people who've hosted a reality show that actually seems like a pretty decent person, but then I Googled his name to get a picture to use in the link. Wow... lots of nude pictures. Like, way more than you'd expect for a dude. I'm actually not sure now if he ever has pants on. I mean, hey, he's got the goods (I guess), so it's cool if that's what he's in to but... yikes... so was not what I was expecting when I clicked the "search" button.

Friday, Nov. 16th

A Bunch Of Soap Opera Actors - Yeah, I've never heard of any of these people, and I'm getting kind of tired and drunk, so I'm just going to say that, generally, they're all stupid, probably drug addicts, and their acting abilities are severely limited.


Blogger stew said...

I like Sandra Lee. I've even been to cooking school (the actual real-deal chef school kind, not the kind at your supermarket if you live in the suburbs near a supermarket that has a cooking school). I disliked her until I saw her E True Hollywood special and found out that from age 8 or so, she was cooking for all her trailer siblings and being the mom to an entire family. My favorite part of the ETHS was when she bitched about some stupid cooking-school task like frenching lamb bones (shut up, it's a preparation, not a sex act). She was like, "who CARES if the prep is done exactly like that? You're wasting time you could be spending with your FAMILY" and any cooking school student or frankly even anyone who's ever stood in a kitchen can relate to that. Who CARES what the bones look like? Take shortcuts, get ready in half the time, put it on the table and SUCK IT, Morimoto.

Um, am I yelling?


10:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Oh, I get the premise of her show, totally. And, true enough, I haven't seen the THS about her. Still, I just think she's kind of icky, Stepford Wife-ish. Her blond, automaton persona (on the show) is just really off-putting. Also, her food looks gross most of the time.

Again, this is just my opinion.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous David said...

Sweeny eyes. I would leave my wife in a heart beat if a decent looking woman with eyes like that said she wanted me to run away with her. Wife kids get out of the way because you’ll get run over.
Okay maybe I wouldn’t do that but I can daydream about it. I was actually at a restaurant the other day and our waitress had eyes like that, an cute little pudgy thing she was but those eyes I could help but look.

11:32 AM  
Blogger i i e ee said...

Sweeney is Sammy from Days of Our Lives. I only know that because I watched it for about a week during summer vacation when I was 16.

Have you seen the new movie posters with NPH? I think they're all sorts of awesome.

12:03 PM  
Blogger i i e ee said...

I put the code in wrong. Here we go.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

how come every time i want to talk to you on AIM you're not there?

I miss us!


12:41 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... Hey man, if you're into girls that look like serial killers, that's your business. I prefer girls that won't stab me in the middle of the night.

iieee... Word. I'm thinking now that I might get one of those posters for the living room.

Jew... I'm vacationing in the Hamptons right now. And by "Hamptons" I mean "my apartment." Sorry I missed you, though!!!

12:55 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

SL MADE A DRINK MIXING BEER AND TEQUILA. why wouldn't she just use tequiza? is that even real? gross5000000000.

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

Haven't read the rest yet, but you NEED to watch HIMYM, NPH is great on it, and it's just a hilarious show besides. (And it's very Jossverse cameo friendly to boot).

Also, I'm so stoked for Harold and Kumar 2 just from seeing the WWNPHD? poster, it makes it kind of hard to breathe.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Blythe... Urgh. I've consumed tequeza and it's every bit as bad as you'd think. It's like drinking beer that's been wrung out of a bartenders dishrag after last call.

Giggleloop... You're not the first person to tell me that. Guess I'm going to have plenty of time to get caught up during the strike.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Kitty said...

tag! you're it!

5:48 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

ahhh, tequiza. throwing up into a planter on my front porch because I couldn't even make it inside. my breath smelled like a urinal cake for a week.

good times.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Allison Sweeney also played 'Cher' in the 'Clueless' TV series.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Ben K. said...

Jeez. This should really be called the Wheel of Fortune "Celebrity" Edition. At least Alex Trebek gets real celebrities for his show.

10:23 AM  

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