Monday, November 12, 2007

The Seven Continents Are Not As Hilarious As I Would Like

NOTE: By "hilarious," I mean, "shaped like the most interesting parts of the male or female anatomy." Just so we're clear.

North America

I've never been less proud to hail from the continent of North America than I am at this moment. Just look at it... sure, it features a bounty of geographical locales that offer a wide array of climates, cultures, and other junk like that. But what it doesn't offer is a shape that's both hilarious to the eye and pleasing, on a base level, to the soul. Sure, you could try to make a case that Florida sort of looks like a tiny wang, and okay, Alaska could be considered boob-esque, but both of those would be suspensions of disbelief far greater than any Hollywood blockbuster has ever required of us. No, sadly, North America just isn't hilarious. And this makes me sad to reside within it's unfunny, non-genital shaped borders.

South America

Well, at least you can say that South America is putting forth the effort. If you turn your head to the right and kind of squint... yeah... it looks kinda dick-n'-balls shaped. Hey, that's more than what we've got. Which, of course, once again proves that people who live in a climate where it's so hot you have to be naked all the time know more about sex than we repressed, four-season-having, losers ever will. And when you ad Brazil to the mix, which is pretty much a country devoted to looking at boobs... I mean, there's just no contest over which is the superior America.


This is just a waste. A little more elongation on either side of the continent and you'd have a very passable wang-n'-sack shape. But nope; it's too stumpy on the sides, and not round enough on the top or bottom to effectively favor a tit. Australia just doesn't care about our amusement, I guess. Whatever, land down under... whatever.


Foot fetishists will get a kick (har!) out of Italy, but that's really all they've got going for them in the hilarious shapes department. See, this is your problem with the continents that are all chopped up into a bunch of different countries and islands and whatnot. Visually, they're just a mess, which doesn't translate into geographical comedy. Really, I'd have expected better from a place that spawned both The Benny Hill Show and Swedish pornography.


Same deal as Europe, though I guess it gets a few bonus points because it sorta looks like China is pooping out India. Sorta, I said... it's not dead-on by any stretch, so don't get too cocky, Asia. You're still a bunch of non-hilarious blobs of land mass. Also, you've got a lot of wars, which are the equivalent of venereal diseases in this particular scenario.


Nothing much to see here, but it's understandable. It's like a million degrees below zero down there; what do they know from sexy shapes? Everyone that lives on Antarctica is bundled up all the time with layers of Gore-Tex and scarves, which makes them all look about as appealing as a dead sea lion. Plus, the population is almost exclusively nerdy scientists and a bunch of penguins anyway... so who cares.


Okay, now we're talking. This is a continent that went after looking like a schlong-n'-bag with a vengeance and unquestionably achieved it's goal, hands down. Now, granted, you have to turn your head to the right to get the full effect but, hey... that's a small caveat to concede when you've just won the coveted, Most Hilarious Continent prize. Pat yourselves on the back, you sexy-shaped mass of land; you've earned it. Now, um, can you work on all the political strife and horrific disease and famine issues? You're a winner, after all, and you've really got to start acting like it.


Blogger Mr. Shain said...

do you really have THAT MUCH free time?

10:48 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Australia is clearly a butt.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Shain... As if that's in any way surprising.

Brooklyn... Ah, very nice. I wasn't thinking in terms of butts with Australia, but you're absolutely correct. Good eye!

11:38 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

This keeps you awake at night doesn't it?

2:14 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Pretty much, yeah.

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never been so proud of my boyfriend.

But seriously, folks...You should see the dirty things he does with maps at home.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is nice to know that you have a nice pastime. I have never looked continents in that way. I don't even expect that it looks like that specially South America and Africa. What would it happen if we give to this continent General Viagra

5:11 PM  

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