Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Many Exciting Features of My New Temporary Dwelling

-Cable TV
-Walk-in closets
-A disconcerting amount of animal skins
-Toilet that technically works, but must be refilled after each use from a hose connected to the shower
-Hose IS the shower
-A standing lake of gasoline right outside, so I guess I'll never want for gas... does make me kind of nervous though... my landlord is made of fire...
-A comfy leather sofa that you just want to nap on, or you would if it didn't reek so strongly of a thousand unclean asses
-Paintings of old British soldiers whose eyes follow you where ever you go
-Time machine
-A fastidious, tidy roommate, which is awkward because I'm such a slob; hijinks, as I'm sure you can imagine, ensue
-A grand ballroom that will be just perfect for holding this year's cotillion
-The ghosts of dead hobos
-The rotting corpses of dead hobos
-A crazy hobo who likes to kill other hobos (he sleeps in the walk-in closet; thank god I'm not a hobo)
-Two hand-crafted antique wardrobes; one leads to the magical bullshit world of Narnia and the other holds all my winter clothes
-A never ending parade of junkies looking to score some cheap skag; I try to tell them that the guy who sold them the stuff doesn't live here anymore, but junkies don't listen.
-Several suitcases full of cheap skag (GOT to figure out how to get rid of these)
-Wet bar
-Wet carpet
-Feral cats


Blogger The Imaginary Reviewer said...

If your roommate starts to piss you off, just tell him that Fridays are Dress-as-a-Hobo Days and laugh as the killer hobo cuts him.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I think the "Time Machine" is really an old George Foreman Grill the hobos used to heat up pork and beans.

11:22 AM  
Anonymous ML said...

good luck with the cthulu thing. warding off an angry cult and a giant squid is just not that easy. i know. i've been there, man.

11:39 AM  
Anonymous youaretigerbait said...

Cthulu problems? get you some narwhals! "They are the jedi of the sea, they keep cthulu from eating thee!"

Goddamnit I can't get that song out of my head!

12:10 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Walk-in closets and AC?! You are living the high life, sir.

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Subway Gal said...

Please say it aint so about the toilet. SAY IT AINT SO!!!

10:33 PM  
Anonymous popomatic Jeff said...

What is skag and where can I get some?

10:25 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

Home sweet home.

1:29 AM  

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