Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fuck It, Let's Just Talk About American Idol

Since I don't really have anything in particular to say... well, nothing that's not whiny and a pity party and a four paragraph comparison of my life to that of Napoleon who died in exile... how about we just dish on the newly-minted American Idol Top Ten? Because seriously, who gives a shit about anything anymore? Might as well just watch reality shows until we suffocate on our own pizza farts.

So here they are... the final ten contestants of the greatest show on Earth, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, from 8 to 10 and 9 to 10, respectively.

Oh and how funny is it that the below pics were taken directly from the FOX-hosted American Idol website and they are all the worst pictures these kids have ever taken? Isn't the whole point of all of this to make their commodities look as shiny and attractive as possible? Weird. Anyway...

The American Idol Top Ten - A ZFS! Exclusive Look

He's got a great voice and he can go up real high like an 80's hair metal singer but he's also really, really gross in the same way that a sticky floor in a bar bathroom is gross. There's just something skeevy about him, like you're pretty sure he did some fucked up things in his late teens and we're all just kind of waiting around for the videos to surface. Also, I really don't care for people that work really hard at cultivating "a look." We get it, you're a metrosexual theater goth with hair made of synthetic fibers and a hieroglyphic tramp stamp that means some bullshit about how music is your fiery soul's quiet death or whatever. Good for you.

Oh and he was on LA's version of Broadway in Wicked. That should fill in the rest of the blanks for you.

Seems like every year there's a 16 year old with a voice that's light years ahead of her age and this go-around it's Allison. When she's being interviewed, she sounds exactly like she's supposed to sound... like a dumbass, inarticulate teenager who just discovered irony and has funny thoughts that she can't wait to draw on her binder during study hall. But when she sings... something... happens... and she becomes herself from the future, where she's 35 and has been living on unfiltered Camels and Jim Beam for a decade and a half. She sang that Heart song "Alone" a few weeks back and you could hear in the background Nancy Wilson smashing a guitar in a rage because she just got served by a girl who by all rights should be working behind the counter at a Spencer's Gifts. Since then, Allison hasn't been all that awesome, but no matter what happens to her on Idol, she's going to be famous because freaks of nature are like Miracle-Gro for the music biz.

Ugh. The first thing you should know is that he has a dead wife and, thus, he's Part 1 of the two-part Inspiration Sensation dynamic duo heavily featured this season. Anyway, his wife died and it's sad and he's a church music director so Jesus is just all right with him and he wears kooky glasses so you know he's an alcohol-free good time and there's just something about him that makes me want to puke so hard it cracks the Earth in two and we all die but that's okay because at least I don't have to ever hear him sing a Mariah Carey song again. He's got a very strong, clear voice... granted... and he has what approximates soul for a white person... fine... and I guess he's kind of non-threatening cute in a boring way... though in the above picture he looks like drug dealer date rape... and all of those things would be tolerable individually, but combined in the shell that is Danny, they're like a lifetime of stubbed toes and paper cuts and splinters all mushed together in a two-minute song. But I can't say that because his wife died. So... I guess... go Danny, you magnificent jewel of man, you.

There is absolutely nothing of note about Kris other than that he sounds like a boy band and he's always the most handsome guy at all the frat parties. Oh, and he's married to a girl who... every time they cut to her in the audience... she looks like she's ready to claw the first bitch who lays hands on her trophy meat.

She seems like a real sweet lady and she's got a huge, impressive voice that could fill up a blimp hanger if so required. She's doing this for her kids, her husband, they were all trapped in a hurricane at one point or something, and thanks be to God, etc. My only problem with her... and it's not her fault at all... is that she sings the kind of music that I don't care about. Like, at all. She's squarely in the Mary J. Blige/late-era Whitney Houston wheelhouse and that's all pretty much the opposite of what I listen to on a daily basis. Again, not her fault, but when she comes on, I usually take a bathroom break or go raid the fridge or something. Because she's OBVIOUSLY going to be good and she's OBVIOUSLY going to make it really far in this, so, kind of who cares?

The judges have been riding his jock pretty hard the last few weeks about how he's amazing and like Michael Buble crossed with Justin Timberlake while wearing stupid hats but... I don't know... I guess I'm just all dead inside or something because Matt doesn't do anything for me. He sings just fine, he plays the piano well, he doesn't overtly seem like the type to mug grannies or punt kittens into blazing trash fires or anything but... eh. Oh, one thing of note: Sometimes he gets the weird vibrato thing going and he sounds for just a second exactly like Jim Breuer's Goat Boy character from SNL. That's pretty funny.

She has the most cuckoo-bananas voice I think has ever been featured on Idol. It's... sort of old timey, but also kind of modern, but with crackly weirdness and kinda nasally but not in a bad way. That's not an accurate description but it's the best you're going to get with our Earth words. Point is, she's not going to last much longer, which is a shame because she's crazy hot. She looks like a girl that works in a record store in Austin, TX, with all the tattoos and skinny jeans that that implies. And the other night she wore this dress that was a quarter-step away from porn. So I like her, but not for reasons that she wants to be liked, I'm sure. Or who knows... she's got a kid, so maybe that's her deal.

My mother described him best: He's the guy who's here because, "shucks, my wife thinks I sing good." And that's it EXACTLY. The good ol' boy, blue collar Joe who happens to have a very decent set of pipes. He's from Jasper, TX... the place where hate was, not born exactly, but certainly refined... and he works on oil rigs for a living. Nice backstory! Or it would be, if he was actually playing on the same level as the rest of the contestants. Unfortunately he's just not that great... like, he should have a really popular bar band, or he could maybe be the first opening act on a triple-bill staring whatever's left of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. He needs to figure out which of those fits him best though, and quickly... he ain't long for this competition.

This would be Part 2 of the Inspiration Sensation. Scott is blind. And that's fine... some people are blind, life is a motherfucker, and it's cool that the guy has made the best out of a bad situation by learning to play the piano so good it's basically a Fuck You to his cold, unfeeling creator. But here's the thing... American Idol isn't a Best Human Being Ever competition. It's a show where they try to pick the "best" singer. And Scott... honestly... really... for realsies... doesn't sing all that well. He's not BAD, of course. But he's not awesome. But he IS blind and, thus, America is going to keep him on this show because doing so means they don't have to give money to charity this month. And look, I feel bad saying it, really I do, but that's kind of where we're at with him. And you can tell Simon is feeling it a bit too and I bet he snaps pretty soon and, though he might get stabbed in the parking lot, it will be the most horrific/entertaining hour of TV ever devised by man.

Anoop! ANOOOOOOOOP!!! He's my favorite. He sings like Boys II Men and he puts off just the right amount of "I could give a shit because I'm a real person who just kind of ass-backwardsed my way into this show and isn't it kind of weird that I've made it this far?" No, Anoop, it's NOT weird. Because you're awesome and America... when it's not being blinded by the white, cleansing glory of the widowed and the blind... picks up on that every once in awhile. Stick around, dude, because American Idol is just so much horseshit, always, and you're like an ice cold beer after doing yard work and we NEED that to keep us all from kicking in our TVs. Thank you for being you.


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

That assessment was a tall, cold glass of ice tea on a swealtering day.

4:31 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

Well, not unlike your synopses of Top Chef you have simultaneously entertained me and reminded me of most of the reasons why I avoid this shit like the plague. You've also given me a little hope. If there are only ten contestants left that means that this garbage is almost over for another year. Thanks.

5:25 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

C-dog's just jealous I have a crush on Danny Gokey.

6:46 PM  
Blogger Lady Snark said...

C-dog... you sound about as cheerful as me these days, and I have to tell you, as much fun as I am having being an unemployed wannabe student who is just this side of clinically insane to the point where I want to kill everyone around me, little else besides reading your cynical, hopeless missives poking fun at people whose pathetic levels I used to be certain I was still above but now I'm not so sure is making me happy. I don't think I've ever written such a long sentence. You see what this madness is doing to me.

So dude... come on. Get it together and write more often. The fate of the free world depends on you during these dark times.

7:40 PM  

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