Thursday, March 12, 2009

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

Here's the thing... I actually like Ben Stiller. Before he started kicking mud all over his good name for paychecks fatter than yo momma, the dude actually was responsible for some high-quality comedy. The Ben Stiller Show? From the Fox network back in the early 90s? C'mon... that was diamond-covered gold lotto numbers. And I'd be okay if it was a "that was then, this is now" kind of situation; he was funny then, he's not now. Fine. Sucks for him, sucks for us, but fine. But did you guys SEE Tropic Thunder? That movie was HILARIOUS!!! It's like, oh, Stiller CAN be funny when he wants to be... he just usually doesn't want to.

That shit is frustrating. But whatever. What-fucking-ever. So what's the plot of this one, Ben? You go to another museum and everything is once again alive? Does Robin Williams show up to do funny voices (fingers crossed!)? Is there a shot of you crying in a corner while watching DVDs of what you were like fifteen years ago? Because if THAT is in there, I'll buy a ticket.

Also, your poster looks like every image in the world got tossed at a piece of paper and it all stuck! So maybe let's just use that to market a movie! We're so bad at movie-marketing!

Also, also... you leave President Lincoln alone.

One Week

Haha... oh, Pacey. You're not a bad ass! You're barely a smart ass. You look way too much like a guy who studies really hard for the LSATs to ever be taken seriously as a motorcycle owner. So is that like the joke here? Someone loaned the dorm's RA a motorcycle for one week and isn't it hilarious all the shenanigans he gets up to, trying to be all cool, but then he dies in a horrible crash because trying to be someone you're CLEARLY not offends Jesus? Yeah, I bet that's the plot.

Or maybe not, who really knows? The movie poster sure as shit isn't helping us out. Let's see, we've got Joshua Jackson thinking he's Sal Mineo, so it's a comedy. But there's moody weather and a misty lake, so maybe it's a tampon commercial. But there's ALSO a vague tagline... "What would you do?" Well... um... I don't know, movie poster, is the rest of the question, "What would you do if a former third-lead on a popular WB teen drama came up to you fronting like an extra in Grease?"

Because if it is, then my answer would be, "laugh my ass off until I had to bolt on a fake ass."

Black Dynamite

I don't know, I think I'm kind of done with irony. Oooh... it's a blaxsploitation film, but it's new and we're winking at you, so come and laugh at the afros and the 70s jokes and whatnot. No thanks, Black Dynamite. No thanks. Besides, didn't I'm Gonna Get You Sucka say everything that needed to be said about the blaxploitation era already, like a million years ago? I'll just rewatch that again.

Parenthetically, I think I'm also done with sincerity. I've been watching American Idol this season and there's this blind guy on there who only sings about how it's inspirational to be blind and everyone should follow their heartsongs and overcome adversity on the wings of an eagle made of hope. I can't stand him. He just wants to share his gift with the world, I get that, but it's like that kid Oprah was all on about a few years ago... the cancer one who wrote poems or whatever. I'm glad both of you have been able to make a small glass of lemonade out of the shit-ton of lemons you've been assaulted with but, I don't know, your earnestness and the way you want me to know I'm loved makes me really, really, really uncomfortable.

So I'm done with irony and I'm done with sincerity. I'd say I just want stuff that's neutral, but then I'll probably just think that stuff is boring. Man, it's hard being me.

My Life in Ruins

Alternate Tagline: "Hey, remember when I made My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding? You guys all liked that, right? Sure made me a lot of money. A LOT. Blew through it pretty fast, though. Bought a big house, had some work done (casting agents were saying I looked 'too ethnic'), starred in some movies that... didn't... so much connect with an... audia.... look, I'm dying over here. You want me to do more shit about being Greek? Fine, I'll fucking go to Greece!!! Look, it's me, Nia Vardalos, and I'm in Greece!!! Please, go see this movie. My house payments are enormous!!! I'm scared all the time. I haven't paid Richard Dreyfuss yet; he killed my dog and said I'm next if he doesn't get his money. Please... I'm begging... I'm actually begging... Dreyfuss won't stop until he's paid or I'm dead... go see this movie..."

Public Enemies

I will obviously go see this movie because it's Johnny Depp and Christian Bale being old-timey gangsters and that's a pure kind of awesome usually found only in dreams where robots fight vampires for my amusement. HOWEVER, this poster... not sure why Johnny Depp has a bad case of the ol' "text crotch." Is that the kind of STD you get when you fuck a book?


Blogger The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Ahahahahahaha! "My Life in Ruins"! Hahahahaha! She's in Greece! And her life is shit! But Greece is full of ruins! So she's literally "in ruins!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, and I think the Joshua Jackson film "One Week" is the movie of the Barenaked Ladies song of the same name. It has something to do with a Chinese chicken and watching The X-Files with the lights off.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Poor Nia Vardalos and her money problems, but that was so damn funny. Good Lord I needed that. Thanks!

12:52 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

It looks like they named his penis "Johnny Depp." But you're right. I have to see it.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Siskel and Ebert actually go to the movies and then tell you about the plot and stuff you just look at the posters. You are so much better then Siskel and Ebert ever thought about being even before one of them died ( I can't remember which one it was )If the other one dies it should so be Clinton .... thats it just Clinton.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

It seems as though "text" is JD®'s Pubic Enemy®.

I think they're sworn and everying.

Were these the posters you were hanging for your mom at her school's library when 'The Incident' occurred?!

Also. Why is your mom still in school?!

3:25 PM  
Anonymous joey_pants said...

You have to check out the movie poster for One Week from Canada... instead of quotes from legit movie critics, they took out a full page add in Toronto's Eye Weekly with comments from Youtube veiwers who watched the trailer...on Youtube.

my favorite is from: fakenphoney, "Canadian actors, Canadian soundtrack, Canadian road trip -- Finally!!!!"

5:17 PM  
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