Tuesday, February 24, 2009

When I Move Back Home, I Hope I Get To Solve A Bunch Of Murders

You know, like in the movies... prodigal son returns to his small, quaint hometown just as the local teenage population starts to get hacked to bits by a masked killer in a variety of creative, crowd-pleasing ways. Maybe with a scythe, because you don't see scythes used a lot in movies these days. Anyway, the cops will all think it's me at first... I did coincidentally arrive into town on THE VERY DAY that the head of the cheerleading squad was decapitated (scythe) after necking with her boyfriend at the teen make-out spot. But eventually, after some clever sleuthing at the library and maybe a training montage set to an old Journey tune, I manage to track down the real killer... a disgruntled shop teacher, say, or drifter that had been posing as a member of the Student Council. We'll have a big climactic battle down at the Old Mill... maybe I'll find his spare scythe and we can have a scythe-duel... but eventually I'll push him off a cliff (the Old Mill is on a cliff) and he'll fall to his death. BUT THEY NEVER FIND THE BODY!!! So there's sequel potential for sure.
There are, admittedly, some problems with this idea...
For one, my hometown... Arlington, TX... isn't particularly small. And I don't think you can be considered "quaint" if you're supporting two big league sports franchises.
Also, there's a LOT of teenagers in Arlington. If a few got hacked up, I'm not really sure if anyone would notice. Plus, why would I be hanging around the teenage population in the first place? I'm 28... far too old and creepy to be attending their parties, much less skulking around the local make-out spot.
Oh, and there really isn't a make-out spot. There's a lot of grocery stores that you can park behind, but it's hard to be creepily atmospheric with so many dumpsters back there.
Other problems:
-I don't know where the library is, though I'm sure I could Google it.
-I'm not really all that bright, actually, so even if there were a bunch of murders, I probably wouldn't be able to solve them. Even if I did find the library eventually.
-I'm really only the prodigal son to my family; the Arlington Chamber of Commerce doesn't know who I am.
-There isn't an Old Mill. There IS an old General Motors plant. Again, not terribly atmospheric, particularly not for a climactic battle.
-If I had to fight a killer, I would most likely be horribly murdered. I'm not very strong and the sight of real blood makes me woozy.
-I don't know how to operate a scythe, or really what one even is.
-The police are far too busy dealing with our city's ever-growing heroin problem to focus on one measly masked serial killer.
-No cliffs.
So, okay, I guess it's pretty unlikely that I'll solve a bunch of murders when I get home. Man... that fucking sucks. I mean, okay, I'm glad people aren't going to get killed, whatever. All I'm saying is that it would just be nice to have something occupy my time while I'm there.
Hey... maybe I could be the one murdering everybody... certainly give me something to do... and I am good at murdering... alright, that settles it: When I move back home, I'm going to be the cause of a bunch of murders!!!
Gotta work on my scythe skills, though.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you decide that being the murdered isn't for you, why not get a job as the High School's gym teacher or insightful janitor? Then you have your reason for being close to the kids and directly involved with solving the murder mystery.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops. I meant to type murderer in the first sentence of that comment. Not murdered.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Analyst Catalyst said...

I think that you have chosen a fine goal for your return. Who likes Arlingtonians anyways?

1:00 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

Obviously, these teens haven't seen my PSA wherein animated penguins encourage today's youth to "Be Cool .. Don't Get Murdered!"

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you driving back to Texas, Clinton? Why not make it worthwhile and pay the Mothman a visit in West Virginia?

5:35 PM  

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