Smell Ya Later, NYC

It feels weird making a big, hairy deal about this... particularly in light of last night's horrific plane crash, it feels like very small potatoes... however, as we're all cyber-BFFs and whatnot, I figure you might want to know what's going on in the life of your ol' buddy C-dog. And if not, well... hey... in the immortal words of the great biographer Plutarch, "up your nose with a rubber hose."

So... here's the scoop:

I have decided to move back home to Texas.

I'll give you a minute to compose yourselves; if anyone feels like they're going to faint, please go to the back of the internet and lie down for a bit. Profuse sorrow-vomiting is not only acceptable but expected.

NOTE: As C-dog waits for you to recover from his shocking announcement, he Googles the phrase "over-sized belt buckles are sexy" and makes a note to, later on today, when he has time, remember the Alamo.

Alright, pull it together people. You, the one openly weeping at their desk so dramatically that your office called security... sir, you've got to get a hold of yourself. It's not the end of the world. It's not even an inconvenience to the world. The world could give a shit about my city-hopping ways; it has polar ice caps to keep frosty and tectonic plates to shift around (the world enjoys scaring the crap out of Californians).

Now, I'll answer some questions if there's any details about my economic stimulus plan and/or my leaving New York City that you'd like further illuminated...

When are you leaving?

Soon. About three weeks or so.

Where exactly are you going?

Well I'm not going to give you the street address or anything, but I'm moving back to the town of my birth, Arlington, TX. If you're familiar with sports, it's where the Texas Rangers play and, soon, the Dallas Cowboys as well. If you're familiar with awesome metal bands, Pantera is from there. And if you're a fan of chain restaurants, we have a vast selection to choose from.

Why exactly are you doing this?

A few reasons. A lot of it has to do with me having been unemployed since mid-October, it looking like that's not going to change any time soon, and me currently being just about broke. My family... despite the fact that I really don't deserve it... have been kind enough to support me through this dark time and, as said time doesn't appear to be letting up, I'm tired of being a drain on both their finances and their well of patience and love.

Does it also have anything to do with the fact that you're pushing 30 and have done nothing whatsoever with your life and are, in fact, basically still living like a spoiled teenager?

While that's an oddly specific question for you to ask, the answer is yes. I'm going to use this time in Texas to go back to school. Get my sweet ass a degree that's actually useful. I'm thinking Philosophy, but I might get a BA in Poetic Theory if the teachers all promise to only speak in iambic pentameter.

Will ZFS! remain the world's premier source for poop jokes, easy attacks on celebrities, and pictures of an unpleasant fat guy jamming food in his face?

Of course. Blogs can be written from anywhere and, from what I understand, Texas got the internet last year so we should be all good.

Are you sad to be leaving?

Yes. I've lived in New York for about five years now and the city itself, not to mention those that also call it home, mean a lot to me. The people I've met here will hopefully be friends for life, even if they DO find out that it's been me stealing money from their wallets and purses to support my online gambling addiction. (live, streaming monkey fights hurt EVERYONE, kiddos... not just the monkeys)

What about Girlfriend?

I really shouldn't get into that, as it's a situation that doesn't just involve me. Let's just say that we're handling the whole thing as well and as maturely as can possibly be expected. Or at least SHE is. I constantly have mascara running down my face from all the crying.

Will you ride a horse while you're there?

Absolutely. There are no cars in Texas; everyone rides horses and works on a ranch and makes comical use of a spittoon. Except for J.R. Ewing; he lives in a mansion and is a bastard. Man, I hope somebody shoots him someday...

Is there anything about moving to Texas that you're looking forward to?

It will be cool to hang out with my family; I've lived away from home since I was 18, so getting the opportunity to reconnect with them sans the stress of major holidays will be nice. Also, living in Texas means there will be unlimited access to cheap, amazing BBQ. When I get really sad about leaving, I just think about eating my way out of smoked meats avalanche with only a bottle of sauce and a canteen full of potato salad at my side. That usually chases the blues away.

That about it? We're getting bored of your problems.

Yeah, that's basically all I wanted to say. Thanks for attending my thinly-veiled pity party, you buncha crazy kids.

Do you have a thematically appropriate Ozzy Osbourne song on which you'd like to end things?

Why, yes... yes I do: