Friday, February 13, 2009

Smell Ya Later, NYC

It feels weird making a big, hairy deal about this... particularly in light of last night's horrific plane crash, it feels like very small potatoes... however, as we're all cyber-BFFs and whatnot, I figure you might want to know what's going on in the life of your ol' buddy C-dog. And if not, well... hey... in the immortal words of the great biographer Plutarch, "up your nose with a rubber hose."

So... here's the scoop:

I have decided to move back home to Texas.

I'll give you a minute to compose yourselves; if anyone feels like they're going to faint, please go to the back of the internet and lie down for a bit. Profuse sorrow-vomiting is not only acceptable but expected.

NOTE: As C-dog waits for you to recover from his shocking announcement, he Googles the phrase "over-sized belt buckles are sexy" and makes a note to, later on today, when he has time, remember the Alamo.

Alright, pull it together people. You, the one openly weeping at their desk so dramatically that your office called security... sir, you've got to get a hold of yourself. It's not the end of the world. It's not even an inconvenience to the world. The world could give a shit about my city-hopping ways; it has polar ice caps to keep frosty and tectonic plates to shift around (the world enjoys scaring the crap out of Californians).

Now, I'll answer some questions if there's any details about my economic stimulus plan and/or my leaving New York City that you'd like further illuminated...

When are you leaving?

Soon. About three weeks or so.

Where exactly are you going?

Well I'm not going to give you the street address or anything, but I'm moving back to the town of my birth, Arlington, TX. If you're familiar with sports, it's where the Texas Rangers play and, soon, the Dallas Cowboys as well. If you're familiar with awesome metal bands, Pantera is from there. And if you're a fan of chain restaurants, we have a vast selection to choose from.

Why exactly are you doing this?

A few reasons. A lot of it has to do with me having been unemployed since mid-October, it looking like that's not going to change any time soon, and me currently being just about broke. My family... despite the fact that I really don't deserve it... have been kind enough to support me through this dark time and, as said time doesn't appear to be letting up, I'm tired of being a drain on both their finances and their well of patience and love.

Does it also have anything to do with the fact that you're pushing 30 and have done nothing whatsoever with your life and are, in fact, basically still living like a spoiled teenager?

While that's an oddly specific question for you to ask, the answer is yes. I'm going to use this time in Texas to go back to school. Get my sweet ass a degree that's actually useful. I'm thinking Philosophy, but I might get a BA in Poetic Theory if the teachers all promise to only speak in iambic pentameter.

Will ZFS! remain the world's premier source for poop jokes, easy attacks on celebrities, and pictures of an unpleasant fat guy jamming food in his face?

Of course. Blogs can be written from anywhere and, from what I understand, Texas got the internet last year so we should be all good.

Are you sad to be leaving?

Yes. I've lived in New York for about five years now and the city itself, not to mention those that also call it home, mean a lot to me. The people I've met here will hopefully be friends for life, even if they DO find out that it's been me stealing money from their wallets and purses to support my online gambling addiction. (live, streaming monkey fights hurt EVERYONE, kiddos... not just the monkeys)

What about Girlfriend?

I really shouldn't get into that, as it's a situation that doesn't just involve me. Let's just say that we're handling the whole thing as well and as maturely as can possibly be expected. Or at least SHE is. I constantly have mascara running down my face from all the crying.

Will you ride a horse while you're there?

Absolutely. There are no cars in Texas; everyone rides horses and works on a ranch and makes comical use of a spittoon. Except for J.R. Ewing; he lives in a mansion and is a bastard. Man, I hope somebody shoots him someday...

Is there anything about moving to Texas that you're looking forward to?

It will be cool to hang out with my family; I've lived away from home since I was 18, so getting the opportunity to reconnect with them sans the stress of major holidays will be nice. Also, living in Texas means there will be unlimited access to cheap, amazing BBQ. When I get really sad about leaving, I just think about eating my way out of smoked meats avalanche with only a bottle of sauce and a canteen full of potato salad at my side. That usually chases the blues away.

That about it? We're getting bored of your problems.

Yeah, that's basically all I wanted to say. Thanks for attending my thinly-veiled pity party, you buncha crazy kids.

Do you have a thematically appropriate Ozzy Osbourne song on which you'd like to end things?

Why, yes... yes I do:


Anonymous ML said...

i hope things work out for the best in all aspects.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I know it's sad times, but looking forward, OMG! We'll be practically neighbors again!!! You won't spend money just by stepping out of your place of residence. Cheap beer! Etc.
So, going to South by Southwest? I'm going to try to go.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

So if I can read through the very funny lines, basically, if you had a job in NYC you would be staying in NYC? -
I heard their is an opening for commerce Secretary and technically its based in Washington DC but I think its the type of thing where you could just commute down their for like one day a week or something -- Did you send your resume in to O'bama yet?

10:09 AM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

So if I can read through the very funny lines, basically, if you had a job in NYC you would be staying in NYC? -
I heard their is an opening for commerce Secretary and technically its based in Washington DC but I think its the type of thing where you could just commute down their for like one day a week or something -- Did you send your resume in to O'bama yet?

10:09 AM  
Blogger Jack Burden said...

In the words of the great philosopher and smartest man on Earth, Lazlo Hollyfield, I'm happy and sad for you.

If you ever find yourself in Austin, hit me up. You can come see one of the three bands I'm currently in. I'll totally put you on "the list".
God luck and good speed.

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

I hope all Arlingtonians welcome you back with the same enthusiasm in which we support our Rangers... complete indifference to moderate shock upon learning of your continued existence.

Seriously though, beers at Bobby V's on me when you get here.

Also, as a UT-Arlington alum with a minor in English, I implore you to commute to UNT. UTA's english department, for lack of a better term, blows giant monkey balls.

10:10 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Well, shit, that's a shame. I wish I had a big bag of money. I'd give it to you. The good news: New York City ain't going anywhere anytime soon. You can always come back. That's what happened to me.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

*sniff* *sniff*

This is beyond sad face, Clinton.

Yes. I spelled it out.


I hear the stars at night, there in Texas, are Big. And Bright.






Deep in the... in the...

Aaahhahhhaaahhhh. I can't even finish my thoughts.

[[[bear hugs]]]

10:17 AM  
Blogger LSL said...

I'm strangely comforted by the fact that it sounds like we're going through about the same thing, at about the same time, in about the same time frame. I'm going home, too. I'm so glad you'll still be blogging, and let's hope it's the best thing that's happened to either of us for a while!

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah man, this is too bad. So sorry to hear about this. But hey, you got to live in New York City! For five years, man! This lifelong West Coaster is envious. Most people never get to do that for five weeks.

Good luck to you on the way back to Lone Star.


11:07 AM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Been in your shoes - be prepared for a shocking return. After a week of being back home, you'll start freaking out, maybe even have a breakdown. Make sure you tie both shoes and wear a helmet. Don't let your mom let you lose after midnight.

Good luck son, you'll need it out there.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

ML... Thanks, dude. Hopefully they will.

Colleen... The whole cost-of-living thing will be a big bonus, for sure. As for SXSW, honestly, I hadn't even thought about it. Would love to, though, that's for sure.

Bill... Well, part of the problem is that I don't want just another "placeholder" job, like working in a deli or something. I really need to start looking towards my future.

Jack... I'm definitely going to make my way up to Austin. Will need to decompress every couple of months, for sure. Send me your email address/phone number (if you ever bought a cellphone, that is), because we should totally hook up.

Scott... I will take you up on that beer, buddy. Looking forward to it. As for college... I've heard that about UTA. Will have to see, I guess.

The UB... Exactly. There's every chance in the world that I could make it back here in a year or two. The future is unknowable.

Lioux... Thank you, good sir, for that rousing rendition of our national anthem!

LSL... I hear you, totally. It really does help to know I'm not the ONLY PERSON going through this kind of shit. Everyone's struggling right now. Rough out there.

Sonny... That's an excellent point, dude. I do feel lucky to have gotten the time I've had here.

Sapphire... I'm sure you're right. I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time and keep the freaking out to a minimum, or at least keep it indoors so I don't get arrested.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Heavy B said...

Yowza, I am sad on behalf of nyc to see you go. Work it on out in Texas, sir, best of luck, and please keep blogging for us!

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Girlchild said...

Arligton welcomes you back, cuddely and covered in BBQ sauce.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Clinton - After leaving NYC last year, I can honestly say that I don't miss it at all. I loved my time there but it's really nice to be out of it.

Best of luck in Texas. That's in the south somewhere right?

12:41 PM  
Blogger emily said...

Sounds like this is a smart move for you right now. I've been in New York almost four years, but Texas is still home. You've got BBQ, Tex-Mex, eye contact AND customer service! Good luck and enjoy your family.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You will still Tweet, right?

Good luck and best wishes!!

3:14 PM  
Anonymous stewart said...

Well, that sucks... but that's the main reason I haven't made my way up there, seeing as how the economy is in the crapper. Look at it this way - It could be worse, you could be living in San Antonio (like me)!

3:36 PM  
Anonymous youaretigerbait said...

I'm sure you will lose those blues when you get off the plane at DFW and the TX welcome committee - a cattle rustler firing his six-shooters into the air - greets you at the gate. Good luck with your future endeavors, and may your branding and husbandry classes at school go swimmingly. And, yes, every single person in the state of TX is employed in an agricultural trade.

You are wrong about one thing - TX has no internet yet. That's why the stimulus bill has allocated funds to bringing the internet to "rural communities", aka "Texas".

4:38 PM  
Blogger Lady Snark said...

I don't miss New York either, but I don't think I liked it as much as you did and my boyfriend wasn't nearly as cool as your girlfriend. I'm sorry, friend. I hope this turns out to be a positive thing for you.

12:48 AM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

Hey chummy. Not that this matters, but I ended up moving back to my hometown in Maine (Orono) in July 2007 after 24 years away (the last 12 living in Philly, a city I really enjoyed). I moved back not because I was broke (that's my perpetual state), but because I really grew tired of city life. I do miss Philly some, not so much now that it's been nearly 2 years, but I'm enjoying my time back in a town of 9,000 as compared to a city of 1.5 million.

One of my closest friends lives in Ft Worth, and I can say that the couple of times I've been down to visit him and his family I've actually gone through Arlington from the airport to his house. So, I've been through your hometown. (you forgot to mention the amusement park...Six Flaggs, I think?)

Best wishes on the move and while Texas is way too effin' hot for me, have a great time back home, and good luck in school.

Now, if your travels take you through Orono, Maine (not likely), ping me and let me know which favorite chain restaurant you like. We just got Burger King up here, so the meal's on me.

I'm on facebook:


9:24 AM  
Blogger Ross said...


I guess I've been dealing with my own crap too much to notice the world around me.

I'll miss hearing about NYC, but I'll look forward to learning about Arlington.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Heavy B... The blogging will definitely continue. Posting will probably increase for a while once I get down there and have the inevitable freak-out. The job I end up getting will probably dictate the amount of blogging I do, as well. But I wouldn't worry about it.

Girlchild... Anything covered in BBQ sauce is okay with me, city or not.

Popomatic... For me, I don't think it's so much going to be the city I'll miss as the people I'm leaving behind. Arlington DOES have it's charms. And... you know... BBQ.

Emily... It is the smart move, for sure. Not the EASY move, mind you, but definitely the smartest. Also, eye-contact... HA! Ain't that the truth.

Big Daddy... I will tweet like the wind.

Stewart... Living in San Antonion DOES have one advantage: Mad close to the greatest city in the world, Austin, TX. It's a three hour drive to there from Arlington, which is just far enough to keep me from going every weekend. Which is probably a good thing, at least for my studies and liver.

TigerBait... I can't wait to see the six-shooter cattle-rustler guy again! Also, it's going to be great to get back to my first love... agriculture. Grass seeds, I'm a-comin' home!

Lady Snark... I dunno, your boyfriend was pretty cool. But yeah it's going to be a positive thing. For Girlfriend and for me, in the long run.

TFKoP... Ah yes, Six Flags. Home to all of Arlington children's misspent youth. But yeah, there is a part of me that IS, in fact, a little bit exhausted with living in New York. Arlington is a big city... we do have two major sports teams that play there, after all... but it's nothing like New York or Philly or anywhere similar. It's a mutated suburb. Anyway, it will be all be fine, I'm sure. And I'll keep Orono in mind should I ever hit Maine. I've always wanted to check out that state anyway.

Ross... My tales of Arlington will thrill and delight you, good sir. Promise.

8:59 AM  
Anonymous DrunkBrunch said...

I would be honored to spearhead (heh, head) the Blogger Field Trip that will surely happen as soon as you get settled in and compile a healthy list of BBQ joints for us to try.

You will be missed, but my adoration for you is better spelled out in 140 character haiku on Twitter. They DO have Twitter in Texas, right?


2:00 PM  
Anonymous Subway Gal said...

NYC won't be the same without you! Well, actually, I didn't realize you lived here until I just read this post, but still!! A lot of people are making moves similar to yours because of our crap-ass economy, so best of luck in your move!

6:31 PM  

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