Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What If Celebrities Were Sandwiches

NOTE: Artwork by Lioux; used without his permission.
The Kevin Bacon - Tasty enough as far as sandwiches go, but tends to remind one of six other sandwiches featuring some of the same ingredients. Eating The Kevin Bacon makes one want to dance crazily to saxophone-heavy radio pop in a dramatically lit barn. Ironically, it features no bacon.
The Scarlett Johansson - Desired by men everywhere, though strangely unpopular with women. Despite repeated requests, The Scarlett Johansson has never been served open-faced.
The Paris Hilton - Not a sandwich; The Paris Hilton is actually just an empty, plastic plate that costs an outrageous sum of money and appears on menus only as a joke.
The Miley Cyrus - While extremely popular with the masses, actually eating The Miley Cyrus will land you in jail, even if it's creator says it's okay.
The Jay Leno - Stale white bread with ham and cheese; greatly enjoyed by old people, but mostly consumed by everyone else because it happened to take over the spot on the menu previously occupied by The Johnny Carson.
The Stephen King - This sandwich will scare the shit out of you.
The Eddie Murphy - Used to be delicious, but now tends to get served with large slices of rubbery fat that make the whole sandwich unappetizing and extremely unfunny. However, it should be noted that The Eddie Murphy is still very popular with those who have no taste whatsoever, as well as with little kids that never had The Eddie Murphy it's classic form... served raw in Beverly Hills for 48 hours after coming to America, live, on a Saturday night.
The Courtney Love - Just a bag of heroin hidden between two slices of old, dirty bread; this sandwich is actually what killed Kurt Cobain.
The Tom Cruise - For a relatively small sandwich, it sure packs in a lot of crazy flavors and unusual opinions on aliens and modern psychology. Of all the sandwiches out there, it's the one most likely to ruin your couch and kidnap a former teen star as it's pretend sandwich wife.
The Barack Obama - Everyone really hopes this sandwich tastes as good as the menu copy claims it does.


Blogger Jack Burden said...

Lord Humungus Sandwich: Very difficult to eat, as it uses other less tasty sandwiches as shields. Menu entry reads, "Just walk away. Leave your tip, your napkin and your curly fries. Just walk away."

10:12 AM  
Blogger Liöüx said...

Mmmm. I wonder how many degrees I am from eating The Kevin Bacon®. I should probably contact The Paparazzi and let them know when/where I'll be eating all of these sandwiches.

And also...a photo credit* would've been nice.

*Photo Credit = Big Fat Check

10:33 AM  
Blogger The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Heh, I'm glad I voted for this. It was worth it.

There's a Pussycat Dolls sandwich as well. It looks great from a distance but the closer you get the rougher it looks. Only one of the fillings actually contributes to the flavour, too.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Stephen King sandwich is going to be a big hit the diet-conscious eater.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

The Tara Reid - A baguette that is soaked in gin, lumpy in places, and filled with silicone and the occasional medical sponge.

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your job situation, but I'll bet you've had time to write a few novels, a couple of screen plays, right? Next time I'm in NY I'll buy the beers. How can you even afford a celebrity sandwich anyway?

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BWAHAHAHA The Courtney Love is my favorite!

10:19 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

LOL epic post <3 You're hilarious

I wonder what kind of sammich I would be... hmmm... XD

10:47 PM  

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