Monday, February 23, 2009

The Oscars or Celebrity Halloween?

Adrien Brody as...



...a speed-metal roadie delivering a toast at the wedding of the guy who runs the light board.

Tilda Swinton as...



...a Bulgarian avant-garde performer dealing with his/her dad's alcoholism by dressing up like a Black & Tan.

Melissa Leo as...



... your mom at her fourth wedding, the one's that's finally gonna take, she's got a good feeling about this one, he drives a truck for a living so... you know... those guys is good people.

Robert Pattinson as...



...all the STDs in the world, but if they were a junior high art class sculpture carved out of formal grease.

Lisa Rinna as...



...a cautionary tale parents tell their kids about what happens to you when you move to Los Angeles and use plastic surgery to remove your soul so it can be gently stuffed into your lips.

Miley Cyrus as...



...an old lady's prized collection of Victorian lace swatches that are way out of their league.

Mickey Rourke as...



...the ghost of a cowboy who legend has it appears late at night on a cruise ship to wait tables and try to sell you the stereo from his uncle's Trans Am.

Beyonce Knowles as...



...the walls of a classy Chinese restaurant run by a drag queen who uses it as a front for a rub-n'-tug parlor that will one day be caught in the middle of a political scandal involving a congressman who likes Chinese food, drag queens, and "happy endings."

Sophia Loren as...



...that song by Cake off their 1996 platinum album Fashion Nugget, "Italian Leather Sofa."

Philip Seymour Hoffman as...



...a cunning thief who just pulled off the heist of the century at a food court Mrs. Fields.

Jessica Biel as...



...herself in fifteen years, desperately trying to get someone... anyone... to label her a "MILF" so she can keep on working in Hollywood because lord knows the 7th Heaven acting chops ain't cutting it anymore.

Whoopi Goldberg as...




...a 1001 easy jokes for bloggers just getting their start making fun of celebrities.

3 Comments:

OpenID popomaticjeff.com said...

Miley Cyrus as Oysters on the half-shell Girl, Batman's next villain/love interest.

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Kyle said...

I wanted t rip Philip Seymour Hoffman's dumbass hat thing off.

6:06 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Philip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking dousche bag and I wrote about it here.

These comments are, as they always are, dead on.

9:00 PM  

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