Thursday, September 11, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Saw V

Yeah, yeah... I did this one last time. Sorry, they keep cranking out awful posters so like what am I supposed to do, IGNORE them? Impossible. Particularly when they release one that's a play on the themes first presented in Alice In Chain's immortal classic, "Man in the Box." Also, I wanted to call out this poster specifically because it depicts the main thing that's wrong with the entire Saw franchise; namely, the whole "fast motion people flailing around" camera tricks that I think are supposed to be scary, but are actually just annoying like an older brother flicking your earlobe or a broken spring in your car seat that's constantly poking you in the butt. Look, believe it or not, I actually think some of the stuff put forth in the Saw movies is pretty creative and original... certainly not your average guy-with-a-knife-running-after-coeds kind of horror film, and I appreciate that. But... DUDES... these editing farts and stylistic beat-offs make it really fucking hard for any of us to take you seriously. It's the same reason that we'll never hire a Goth kid to be our country's Surgeon General; they may have the finest medical mind in the country, but who's going to listen to a twelve-point plan to eradicate our nation's obesity epidemic when it's coming out of a black-smeared mouth attached to a ghostly pale head surrounded by Robert Smith hair resting atop a hunched, fat body wrapped in a Slipknot tour shirt accented by a cape? No one, that's who. Same deal with Saw V. Yep. Totally the same.

The Amazing Truth About Queen Raquela

I have no idea what this movie is, what it's about, why she's peeing in the men's room, etc... I just put it in here to point out how far we've come with regards to the things we'll put on a movie poster. Certainly a different aesthetic from the earlier days of cinema; Grace Kelly wouldn't have allowed a photo of her coping a squat to become the poster for Rear Window, I'd really like to think. I mean, yeah, I know it was a different time back then and we're all liberated now and why SHOULDN'T our graphic design teams think more towards potty humor as a marketing ploy (hell, it work's on me)? Still, though... I don't know. Seems a little declasse. Not like I'm one to judge, of course, seeing as how... well, you've read this blog. You know what I'm about. (farts)

Also, weird toilet design. What, are they in Europe or something? Do women pee like this in Europe? Confusing.

Bitch Slap

Uh... what? Is "Rawhide," I guess, the one doing the titular bitch-slapping, or is she the one ABOUT to get bitch-slapped. The poster's not really clear. She looks pretty tough, though... all dirty and bloody and rocking the studded bracelet/bikini combo like a post-apocalyptic Swimsuit Model that uses crude oil for sunscreen and does the backstroke in a lake of fire. Well, whatever the case, I'm in. Tough chicks are kind of hot and if you play your cards right, they'll fight your battles for you while you kick back with a quart of beer and an assortment of snacks. They're like hired bodyguards that let you touch their boobies.

Save Me

Um, dude, Jesus doesn't work like that. Also, in the cast list... Judith Light! Who's The Boss AND a bunch of Lifetime movies about abusive husbands who stalk their eating-disorder wives across the country while trying to take their babies in a nasty custody battle over who gets to keep the drugs. Such a career! And now she's in this thing, apparently. Ah, good for her. At least she's working.

My Bloody Valentine 3D

I harp on horror movie remakes a lot because, obviously, they're the worst thing to happen to modern cinema since we all decided we were okay with letting Dane Cook make a few pictures, what harm could it do, oh right he uses smugness like a samurai uses a sword and now our heads are chopped off THANKS DANE COOK, YOU STUBBLY BASTARD... where was I going with this... oh, right, horror movie remakes: Usually, they're aborted fetuses rubbed on the screen by perverts from Mars. However, with My Bloody Valentine, I'm actually okay with the remake idea. The original, an early-80s slasher flick about a psycho coal miner killing kids during a big dance, was pretty bad. And, before it's release, the studio got cold feet and cut a TON of the gore from the film and then promptly lost all the footage; the movie can never be restored to it's properly nasty original self, and what's left over isn't so hot, so why the hell NOT remake it. See if we can improve on the sub-par original, even a little bit. Movie Studios, seriously, THESE are the kind of movies it's okay to remake. Stuff that was pretty meh to begin with. Leave our fucking Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies alone. Those don't need your fuckery.
Oh, and ten bucks says Saw 6 is going to be in 3D. It's the wave of the future, man, if you consider the late-60s to be the future.


Blogger jason quinones said...

so i told you about a pretty sick french flick called sheitan starring vincent cassel from eastern promises a while back. just wondering if you saw either that message or the movie.

not too gory but definitely creep as all hell.

10:43 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

and yeah...


EAT IT!!! you mop wielding failed talk show host bastard!!

10:45 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


Judith Light®™©™ has come a LOOONNGGG way from those Proactiv®™©™ acne treatment system infomercials!

And let's not forget about thespianic offerings of Katerine Helmond®™©™.

BTDubs...I think I have some nude photos of a now adult Danny Pinturo®™©™. Just sayin'...

12:47 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Saw V: I can't believe they're making another one, but I'm all up in it. It's one of my secret guilty pleasures.

Queen Raquela: Those are urinals. She's a Filipino tranny.

Bitch Slap: Whoa. That's Zoe Bell. She's a bad ass. Kevin Sorbo [Hercules] and Lucy Lawless [Xena] are in it too[?]. Must be an Australian flick.

Save Me: That's Chad Allen! What's with all the 90's TV stars all of a sudden?

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, so I'm suddenly moved to comment on an old post, but I feel VERY strongly about My Bloody Valentine... it was awesomely terrible in its own wonderful way. Gahh!!! Will they still use 30-something Canadians? Must research...

8:25 PM  

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