Movie Poster A Go-Go
Yeah, yeah... I did this one last time. Sorry, they keep cranking out awful posters so like what am I supposed to do, IGNORE them? Impossible. Particularly when they release one that's a play on the themes first presented in Alice In Chain's immortal classic, "Man in the Box." Also, I wanted to call out this poster specifically because it depicts the main thing that's wrong with the entire Saw franchise; namely, the whole "fast motion people flailing around" camera tricks that I think are supposed to be scary, but are actually just annoying like an older brother flicking your earlobe or a broken spring in your car seat that's constantly poking you in the butt. Look, believe it or not, I actually think some of the stuff put forth in the Saw movies is pretty creative and original... certainly not your average guy-with-a-knife-running-after-coeds kind of horror film, and I appreciate that. But... DUDES... these editing farts and stylistic beat-offs make it really fucking hard for any of us to take you seriously. It's the same reason that we'll never hire a Goth kid to be our country's Surgeon General; they may have the finest medical mind in the country, but who's going to listen to a twelve-point plan to eradicate our nation's obesity epidemic when it's coming out of a black-smeared mouth attached to a ghostly pale head surrounded by Robert Smith hair resting atop a hunched, fat body wrapped in a Slipknot tour shirt accented by a cape? No one, that's who. Same deal with Saw V. Yep. Totally the same.
The Amazing Truth About Queen Raquela
I have no idea what this movie is, what it's about, why she's peeing in the men's room, etc... I just put it in here to point out how far we've come with regards to the things we'll put on a movie poster. Certainly a different aesthetic from the earlier days of cinema; Grace Kelly wouldn't have allowed a photo of her coping a squat to become the poster for Rear Window, I'd really like to think. I mean, yeah, I know it was a different time back then and we're all liberated now and why SHOULDN'T our graphic design teams think more towards potty humor as a marketing ploy (hell, it work's on me)? Still, though... I don't know. Seems a little declasse. Not like I'm one to judge, of course, seeing as how... well, you've read this blog. You know what I'm about. (farts)
Also, weird toilet design. What, are they in Europe or something? Do women pee like this in Europe? Confusing.
Uh... what? Is "Rawhide," I guess, the one doing the titular bitch-slapping, or is she the one ABOUT to get bitch-slapped. The poster's not really clear. She looks pretty tough, though... all dirty and bloody and rocking the studded bracelet/bikini combo like a post-apocalyptic Swimsuit Model that uses crude oil for sunscreen and does the backstroke in a lake of fire. Well, whatever the case, I'm in. Tough chicks are kind of hot and if you play your cards right, they'll fight your battles for you while you kick back with a quart of beer and an assortment of snacks. They're like hired bodyguards that let you touch their boobies.
Um, dude, Jesus doesn't work like that. Also, in the cast list... Judith Light! Who's The Boss AND a bunch of Lifetime movies about abusive husbands who stalk their eating-disorder wives across the country while trying to take their babies in a nasty custody battle over who gets to keep the drugs. Such a career! And now she's in this thing, apparently. Ah, good for her. At least she's working.
My Bloody Valentine 3D