Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Nerds: A Pictorial, Pt. 2

Metal Nerds

Even more so than the comic book or sci-fi nerds, those that favor metal above all things represent nerddom at it's most pure. Because with the other subsects in the nerd kingdom, it's all about wish fullfilment and pretending you're mystical bounty hunter fighting soul-stealing aliens from Mars. With the metal nerds, it's all about ROCKING OUT!!! And nothing more. It's the demon crunch of the bass and the chainsaw squeal of the guitar, the horror-show growl of the lead singer and the nuclear blasts of the drummer. It's about drinking whiskey from the bottle and head-butting your friend's Trans-Am and hooking up with tattooed skanks that think splitting a pack of smokes means you're in love. My only beef with the metal nerds is that metal nowadays... um... kind of blows. I mean, Mastadon is alright and Pelican has their moments, but... unless you're willing to shell out the shipping charge for the scary, black metal sludge that's only sold in the frozen wastelands of Norway, you're pretty much screwed. You can only listen to "Master of Puppets" so many times before your jaw gets set for the taste of new tunes. But whatever, metal nerds just keep doin' what they do... for sheer hang out-ability, you can't do any better than this particular fiefdom of nerd rule.

Star Wars Nerds

Oh yes... those are lightsabers. Tattooed on her fingers. I don't know who this person is, but I'm considering voting for her for President instead of Obama because clearly we're dealing with a human being thinking so far outside the box, the box is just a dot on the horizon. And that's just a tiny sliver of the Star Wars nerd world... crazy geniuses flowing like a harpoon daily and nightly, but with their brains. Granted, lately has been some tough times for the Star Wars nerd. The new trilogy was at best disappointing (and at worse like Darfur for your childhood dreams) and that new animated movie... which I have no intention of seeing... is a Lucas-approved Dirty Sanchez on the faces of all the down-for-lifers who never stopped believing in The Force. But hey, the original trilogy still holds up, particularly if you get the un-fucked with version. And since Star Wars nerds are so damn smart, they can will themselves into believing everthing after 1999 was just a Mad Magazine parody of what George Lucas WOULD have done to the Star Wars mythology had he not blown the top of his skull off with a shotgun after realizing how horrible a mistake he made in having Greedo shoot first. So it all works out in the end. Off to the tattoo parlor!

Black Nerds

Rare. And that's a shame because, obviously, nerddom should be a multi-hued breakfast cereal commerical of brotherly love where we all trade comics and talk about episodes of Firefly while outside the sun shines down on a planet at peace. Which is not to say there aren't ANY black nerds out there... there are. Some. Not many though. Like, this photo is worth about $75 to the editors of Wizard because it proves their demographic projections were off by at least one. But I get it... look, not to make blanket generalizations or anything, but black people are just, well, cooler than the rest of us. They are the coolest race. And becoming a nerd... of any type... is a big leap down the Q-bert ziggarut when it comes to levels of awesome. Which I guess means we should be glad to count the black nerds we DO have amongst our numbers. They make us cooler by proxy and we give them a home when reading VIBE and trying to fake like they're DMX gets to be too much of a hassle.

Poker Nerds

This is a relatively new species in the nerd phylum and, for the life of me, I don't get it. I mean I understand the CONCEPT of poker, and I certainly understand the thrill of obtaining large sums of money for doing nothing more than drawing to an inside straight, but... I don't know... there's just something off about the poker nerds. For one thing, that's ALL they can talk about... it's always "this hand was a amazing" and "the flop really screwed me" and "trip aces saved my life tonight, sugar bear" and you just kind of nod your head and hope they get distracted by a fresh deck of Hoyles before you're forced to jam a stack of chips down their throat. Maybe it's just that I'm immediately turned off by anything that smacks of math. Maybe it's because, when I think of poker, I tend to think of grizzled cowboys with guns instead of fat office block IT techs with lucky Pez dispensers. Or maybe it's just that I'm jealous of all that sweet, sweet cash. Well, whatever the case, I think we can all agree on one thing: Poker nerds are, for a variety of reasons, the best nerd types to mug behind a grocery store late at night.

Matrix Nerds

Ooookay... let me lay it out for you. The Matrix is an okay action movie with neat special effects. It has two shitty sequels and a lead performance by an actor that makes plywood go, "he's wooden." It is NOT REAL. We are not "in the Matrix" right now. And, NO, I'm not a part of the Matrix telling you the Matrix is not real so you'll go on living in the Matrix, thus feeding our great hive mind like a human battery or whatever the fuck that movie was on about. Watching The Matrix is like an ultra-violent version of listening to the TA from your Philosophy 101 class babble on after a few bong rips; it's like kicking the hacky-sack around on the quad, but the hacky-sack blows up and everyone dies. And you've decided to pretend it's your life!!! Sorry, but that black trenchcoat is a shroud of shame. Christ... I mean, I really hate to harsh on a nerd group, but guys... guys... you're making us all look like a bunch of assholes that believe movies actually exist. Trust me, the only alternate universe you've discovered is the one up your own butt. Please... get into comics or horror flicks or, god forbid, Anime... fucking anything. You give nerds a bad name.


Anonymous stew said...

We're not in the Matrix right now. Gotcha. (wink!) The Matrix is "not real." Of course it's not! hahaahaaa. Nice one.

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One critical nerd category that has yet to be included in the canon is the Guitar Nerd, that one guy who has every single album produced by Rush, and actually owns a subscription to Guitar Player so he can get the tablatures for the latest Joe Satriani.


5:04 PM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

Awesome post, C-Dog. I love how Neo at the end is in his mom's bathroom, presumably smelling like Bath and Body Works Country Apple, with her new boyfriend Bruce outside the door, asking him what the hell is taking so long as he takes his own picture. I don't think you could have found a better pic to have made your point. Game, set, match, sir.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

Oh, and that poker nerd needs like, the biggest beating ever.

9:53 PM  
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