Friday, August 22, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

Fuck me, what a week. I mean, I'll grant you that there are people worse off or more miserable in the world than I am... people who've stepped on a land mine, say, or those that have driven their cars into a flooded ravine filled with rape piranhas (oh, they're a real thing)... but still. Shit has been rough for your ol' pal C-dog. Way rough. Like, Russian toilet paper rough, where it feels like your butthole has been placed on a belt sander made of smashed Coke bottles. Also, the belt sander is on fire. That's been my week, at least on an emotional and psychological level. My mental butthole is scraped raw, in other words.

I know, you're thinking to yourself, "But C-dog, what's the matter? Why are you so tormented and sexy?" Well, to answer the last part first: Good genes combined with pleasant-smelling cologne and enormous testicles. As for the for the first part... well, mainly my problems all stem from a cancerous growth on my life known as My Job. I won't get too specific, just in case this blog is ever uncovered by my employer's Stasi-esque secret police, but let's just say that this job, in the past few months, has gone from an indifferent whatever of a way to pay bills to an eight-hour gauntlet where every Indian in the tribe gets to take a swipe at me with their awful, metaphorical tomahawk. I've survived it thus far... barely... but I'm not sure how much longer that will be the case. They don't stop swinging, after all, and I'm only so quick and so wily.

But whatever... one more day and I'm off the reservation, if I might extend the analogy, at least for a couple of days. And maybe someday soon I'll find myself working a place that isn't like being stabbed to death with your own shattered dreams. Here's hopin'!

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Revisited a movie from my youth, last night... a low-budget slasher movie spoof from the early 80s called Student Bodies (see poster above, doye). It was exactly how I remembered it, just not as funny or entertaining and it seemed about a million billions years too long and if car wrecks were awkward and uncomfortable, it would have been a twenty-car pile up that shuts down the highway and backs traffic up into the next state. Just a weird, weird little flick... I mean, you can see what they set out to do; namely, poke fun at all the Halloween knock-offs that were filling up the multiplexes at the time it was made. And, yeah, I suppose they did that. But the sense of humor is so... off, I guess? There's a shop teacher that's obsessed with horse head bookends. The killer uses an eggplant and a paper clips and chalkboard erasers to kill off the teenagers. Every time there's a clue or a murder, a title card will pop up to make sure you didn't miss it. One of the characters is played by a tall, unimaginably freaky guy listed in the credits only as "The Stick." Just strange... it's one of those movies where you can't decide if it's the stupidest thing you've ever seen or if it's so brilliant, YOU'RE the idiot for not nodding your head in approval then dashing off to write a doctoral thesis based around the theorems it postulates. Student Bodies literally could go either way. Oh, and the whole thing was shot in Texas, because OF COURSE it was. We are the loins from which all bizarre things spring forth.

Anyway, HIGHLY recommend that you check it out for yourself. Certainly beats another night of pretending you care about the Olympics now that Michael Phelps has peaced out.

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Yesterday, in my Awesome Old Men post, stylish and hug-worthy commenter Ross posed the following question: "What can I do to ensure becoming an awesome old man?" Well, Ross, I'm glad you asked. Tune in Monday for the complete ZFS! Guide To Becoming An Awesome Old Man. And if you happen to be one of my female readers (hello, ladies...), please feel free to tune in as well; one day, you'll want to bag yourself an Awesome Old Man and this guide will help you know what to keep an eye out for.

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And I suppose that's it for now. Going to spend the next few hours trying to change my cup of coffee into a bottle of bourbon WITH MY MIND! I think I can do it if I focus real hard and strenuously avoid any and all actual work.

8 Comments:

Blogger Ross said...

Awesome! I just can't age that much before Monday. If I can hold off until then, I will learn the secrets of becoming an awesome old man.

I must stay young and virile this weekend.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Oh man. I, too, know the depths of being tormented and sexy. It's not an easy life. But at least I Love, Love, Love the job I get here back in January!

And OMG!!! Student Bodies®™©™ was one of my favorite films wayyyy back in my youth. The first time I saw it, I was with some BFFs and we were all REALLY stoned. [Hmmm. I guess that explains most of it].

I loved the part where the phone kept ringing violently when the chick wouldn't answer it.

Oh, and 'The Killer' was also known as 'The Breather'. My favourite line of his was:

[Heavy Breathing] "I'd like to kill the kid with gum..."

I AM SOOO EXCITED FOR MONDAY'S AOM POST!!! HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND!!!

9:59 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

Horsehead Bookends!!!

10:21 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Job sucks? Know the feeling. However, it could be worse. You could find yourself unemployed and bored and poor. See, I hated my job until I was recently laid off from it and forced to accept small scraps of the money from the government while I search and search for a new job. Sigh.

10:44 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Dear C Dog: If I had a huge bag of money, I would give it to you in order to assuage your unrelenting sadness.

By the way, yesterday I was feeling a bit put-upon by life until I viewed the “accident” video you posted. A+ for providing a healthy dose of perspective.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... Just stay out of the bars. That's where old lives.

Lioux... My favorite bit from Student Bodies is the whole thing with disguising one's voice by talking through a rubber chicken. Absurd!

Hex... Indeed so.

Subway... Normally, I'd agree with you. However, I get yelled at a lot her (Me! Can you imgaine?) and that's a whole lot of no fun. I would prefer the alternative.

The UB... Yeah, at least you didn't have a large structure destroy your pick up. Now, what's this about a bag of money?

1:10 PM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

Sorry to hear about the job frustration, amigo. Totally know the feeling. One movie that I always thought was pretty funny from last year was this ridiculous Korean Import called Dragon Wars. One of those so-bad-it's-weirdly-good films.

Drink to better days,
SA

9:54 PM  
Blogger skinbeatergreg said...

I loved the cheerleader shish-kabob!

3:16 AM  

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