Thursday, August 21, 2008

Awesome Old Men 5


There's your average, happy-go-lucky type of guy, and then there's Jefferson... a man SO full of love and life, he makes fabled storybook character Pollyanna look like a fifteen year old Goth with diarrhea. Every morning, he's up at 6am and leaning out his apartment widow, singing showtunes at the top of his lungs in a fine, surprisingly strong soprano. That he does so fully nude has caused much consternation to the neighbors... particularly those with weak stomachs (he's 98% wrinkles)... but in the end, they all decided that they'd leave him alone and just vow, for their own sanity, to not look up until at least noon. His voice is THAT good. Following his musical escapades, Jefferson usually tap dances down to the local bar and occupies the third stool from the left until closing time, telling jokes and spinning yarns and farting on command and laughing and laughing and laughing. Oh, and drinking straight grain alcohol from a cracked mason jar. Because without his Everclear, Jefferson gets fucking MEAN.
Scary Stu
Were he not the laziest son of a bitch ever to hear far-off voices echoing around inside his skull, he'd be a serial killer on par with Jack the Ripper, at least as far as the volume of dead hookers is concerned. But, fortunately for everyone, stalking and brutally murdering ladies of the evening is WAY to much work for Scary Stu... he'd rather sit in front of his computer reading conspiracy theories about the Devil and watching slasher flicks off his Netflix Instant account. Oh sure, he thinks, if a hooker HAPPENED to wander into his one-room apartment and there HAPPENED to be a hacksaw and a mallet handy, he SUPPOSES he'd dispatch her in as horrific a manner as humanly possible. As long as he wasn't in the middle of Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives and as long as he'd already eaten his Stouffer's Mac N' Cheese and as long as she'd just lay down and let him do his business and not run all over the place screaming and yelling for the cops. Scary Stu doesn't need that shit.

Ever seen a barbershop quartet-themed tattoo on an old, fat ass? Want to? Because Percival will drop trou at even the MENTION of the word "tattoo," so proud is he of his butt-displayed ink. And, truthfully, it IS a lovely piece of work, if not a little hard to see due to the amount of wiry, gray hair that blanket's Percival's backside like kudzu vines in a Georgia gully. Very colorful, the tattoo is, and it makes creative use of the crack, which is some detail work I think we can all appreciate. Anyway... Percival loves his barbershop quartet. Not for the music, so much; mainly because they don't give him shit about the way he dresses (he loves stripes, both the pattern and the movie) or the fact that he's got a mustache/beard combo that makes people on LSD's heads explode.

Augie works nights at a graveyard and is so scared of ghosts, he carries around nineteen flashlights and a book of magic spells with him at all times. Most of the flashlights don't have batteries, of course... Augie's not the brightest of bulbs, no pun intended... and the "book of magic spells" is just an old Betty Crocker cookbook from the 70s that he found on the bus, but still. They make him feel better. And that's really all that matters... you know, whatever keeps him from jetting fear pee all over the tombstones every time a bird shifts it's weight on a branch or he startles himself with a sneaky fart. It's either his collection of talismans or he gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and Augie's not allowed back in Wal-Mart anymore. The fear pee thing again. All over the DVD racks. Lousy terrifying Wal-Mart...

Nobody fucks with Chan. Ever.


Blogger Jason Quinones said...

chan fucking rules!!!!

10:09 AM  
Blogger AndSheWas said...

Does it make ma an ageist if I admit that this post made me lose my appetite (the pictures, I mean - your writing, as always, is superb).

10:29 AM  
Blogger AndSheWas said...

ME an ageist. Also, is this how you spell ageist?

10:30 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... Yes he does. And don't forget it, or he'll lop your noggin' off.

And She Was... Nah, old people are kind of grody. I think even THEY would tell you that.

And She Was 2... Dunno. Spelling and me aren't on speaking terms.

10:46 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Oh, and thank you for calling my writing superb!

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Augie. He reminds me of the old man running the haunted amusement park in an old skool Scooby episode.

Bonus points for giving me hope that I'll still be able to do something with what hair I'll have left after the fallout ends.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I'm pretty sure that Scary Stu is going to kill me in my sleep and then eat me (having borrowed Chan's sword to chop me up)

11:21 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

I'm calling for the crossover that will surely vault you into superstardom:

It Came from Chinatown Special Edition -- Clinton Eats Chan.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, that's a little creepy... I definitely ran into Percival on the subway this morning, and I don't think you could really confuse him with anyone else.


12:19 PM  
Blogger Liöüx said...

I LOVE the AOM series on ZFS!!!! I hope to be an Awesome Old Man one day...

And, Great.

Now I'm craving Stouffer®™©™'s Mac N' Cheese.


1:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am still not speaking to you, Clinton!

1:05 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... I thought that too! I almost went the Scooby-Doo route, but then decided at the last minute that fear pee was "in." Controversial decision, but I stand by it.

Brooklyn... Chan DOES NOT lend out his sword. It's where his powers come from.

Hex... It can't lose!!! Execpt that Chan will kill me.

Phoenix... He doesn't blend, no.

Lioux... I'm glad you like them! I actually had some Stouffer's M&C the other day. It was okay... little bland.

Spelling... And I'm NOT apologizing!

1:16 PM  
Blogger Ross said...


What can I do to ensure becoming an awesome old man?


2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Besides not being able to spell, I wonder what Clint did to Spelling to get her so angry. Get her drunk, fuck her, leave in the dead of night and not call her ever again? Perhaps something more sinister?

4:15 PM  
Blogger quin browne said...

my mom's single.. and i don't like to go visit her much. she's kinda religious, and a great southern cook.

it's all in your hands, clinton.

7:48 PM  

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