Olympic Events: A Pictorial, Pt. 3
First off, the guy who just won the Gold medal in the 100 meter sprint... his name is Usain Bolt. BOLT! Bit rich, don't you think? What, was Sprinty McRunnerson not available to compete this year? Did Quick Fasterberg have a pulled hammy? I mean, I'm sure Bolt Lightningfeet is fast and everything, but his silly, event-themed name is making a mockery of everything the Olympics stand for; i.e. not having silly, event-themed names. Life shouldn't be like a Warner Bros. cartoon. Anyway, running... it's just okay. The actual races are neat to watch because ZOOOOOM, but all the build up... the standing around, stretching, sipping Gatorade, listening to ex-track stars drone on and on about training regimens and all-carb diets... kind of dull from a TV watcher's perspective. You could get a live feed from the waiting room of a dentist's office and it would be basically the same experience, except for maybe there would be less spandex. Oh, and the starting pistols are cool. I'm thinking of incorporating one into my daily life, matter of fact. Like when I pee or something. Start that shit off with a BANG!
I love that our nickname this year is "The Redeem Team." Because "The We'll Try Not Get Our Asses Handed To Us By Argentina Again Team" wouldn't fit on the t-shirts, I guess. Whatever. Seriously, and I mean this, USA Olympic basketball can go fuck itself. Bunch of overpaid millionaire babies with stupid shoes and a lot of ostentatious jewelry. I don't know, I think it's the arrogance that I hate... the whole, we're America, OF COURSE we should take home the Gold medal in basketball because we invented it, doye, and if you invent something you have to be THE BEST at it. Eli Whitney was the best at the cotton gin, ergo, give us the Gold medal NOW, bitches!!! Hate that. Particularly since we've already proven that we're occasionally NOT the best at basketball (see: Argentina in '04). Also... and I guess this isn't technically The Redeem Team's fault or anything, but still... the squeaking of their sneakers on the court drives me totally banana bonkers. It's like a thousand mice in my head doing hits of helium with the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.
Easily the worst sport in the Olympics, at least from a spectator's standpoint. Let's see, the athlete's spend most of the game neck-deep in water, so you can barely see them. There's tons and tons of splashing, so what little you CAN see is mostly obscured by flung spume. And then the cameras are up on the ceiling or possibly floating out in the stratosphere, so watching the event is like having nosebleed seats, but in your living room. Were it not for the instant replays, you'd think you were watching a dive team trying to rescue the crew of a capsized fishing boat who all happen to be wearing the STUPIDEST hats known to man. Really, what is UP with those things? They look like if Princess Leia were a plastic robot pool cleaner with no sense of personal shame. I mean, I'm sure they have some sort of function that helps them... ah... do whatever it is that water polo players are supposed to do... but still. Nerds.
Certainly the grab-assiest event in the Olympics. Also the most erotically charged... all that crawling around on the floor, grappling sweaty and adrenaline pumping, muscles straining under intense pressure, seeing that caged-animal look in your opponent's eye and knowing he or she is seeing it back in yours... hot, man. Totally hot. Makes you think those ancient Greeks really knew what was what. It's just too bad you have to wrestle with a member of the same sex. Unless you're in to that sort of thing, that's GOT to be a frustrating experience on par with watching porn with your hands cuffed behind your back. And if you ARE into same-sex throwdowns... dude, way to choose your sport! Like, literally you could not have made a better selection, or at least not until Fucking becomes an offical Olympic sport (give it time). No joke... Boner/Wide-on City!!!
I'M YOUR GOD NOW!!!