Monday, August 18, 2008

Olympic Events: A Pictorial, Pt. 3


First off, the guy who just won the Gold medal in the 100 meter sprint... his name is Usain Bolt. BOLT! Bit rich, don't you think? What, was Sprinty McRunnerson not available to compete this year? Did Quick Fasterberg have a pulled hammy? I mean, I'm sure Bolt Lightningfeet is fast and everything, but his silly, event-themed name is making a mockery of everything the Olympics stand for; i.e. not having silly, event-themed names. Life shouldn't be like a Warner Bros. cartoon. Anyway, running... it's just okay. The actual races are neat to watch because ZOOOOOM, but all the build up... the standing around, stretching, sipping Gatorade, listening to ex-track stars drone on and on about training regimens and all-carb diets... kind of dull from a TV watcher's perspective. You could get a live feed from the waiting room of a dentist's office and it would be basically the same experience, except for maybe there would be less spandex. Oh, and the starting pistols are cool. I'm thinking of incorporating one into my daily life, matter of fact. Like when I pee or something. Start that shit off with a BANG!


I love that our nickname this year is "The Redeem Team." Because "The We'll Try Not Get Our Asses Handed To Us By Argentina Again Team" wouldn't fit on the t-shirts, I guess. Whatever. Seriously, and I mean this, USA Olympic basketball can go fuck itself. Bunch of overpaid millionaire babies with stupid shoes and a lot of ostentatious jewelry. I don't know, I think it's the arrogance that I hate... the whole, we're America, OF COURSE we should take home the Gold medal in basketball because we invented it, doye, and if you invent something you have to be THE BEST at it. Eli Whitney was the best at the cotton gin, ergo, give us the Gold medal NOW, bitches!!! Hate that. Particularly since we've already proven that we're occasionally NOT the best at basketball (see: Argentina in '04). Also... and I guess this isn't technically The Redeem Team's fault or anything, but still... the squeaking of their sneakers on the court drives me totally banana bonkers. It's like a thousand mice in my head doing hits of helium with the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.

Water Polo

Easily the worst sport in the Olympics, at least from a spectator's standpoint. Let's see, the athlete's spend most of the game neck-deep in water, so you can barely see them. There's tons and tons of splashing, so what little you CAN see is mostly obscured by flung spume. And then the cameras are up on the ceiling or possibly floating out in the stratosphere, so watching the event is like having nosebleed seats, but in your living room. Were it not for the instant replays, you'd think you were watching a dive team trying to rescue the crew of a capsized fishing boat who all happen to be wearing the STUPIDEST hats known to man. Really, what is UP with those things? They look like if Princess Leia were a plastic robot pool cleaner with no sense of personal shame. I mean, I'm sure they have some sort of function that helps them... ah... do whatever it is that water polo players are supposed to do... but still. Nerds.


Certainly the grab-assiest event in the Olympics. Also the most erotically charged... all that crawling around on the floor, grappling sweaty and adrenaline pumping, muscles straining under intense pressure, seeing that caged-animal look in your opponent's eye and knowing he or she is seeing it back in yours... hot, man. Totally hot. Makes you think those ancient Greeks really knew what was what. It's just too bad you have to wrestle with a member of the same sex. Unless you're in to that sort of thing, that's GOT to be a frustrating experience on par with watching porn with your hands cuffed behind your back. And if you ARE into same-sex throwdowns... dude, way to choose your sport! Like, literally you could not have made a better selection, or at least not until Fucking becomes an offical Olympic sport (give it time). No joke... Boner/Wide-on City!!!




Anonymous Trippy McKlutzKlutz®™©™ said...

I always wanted to be an Olmypic runner. I just never had the coordination...

9:40 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I Love, Love, Love wrestling!

But why are they wearing clothing?


9:42 AM  
Anonymous J. said...

Never let it be said that I defended water polo, but it seems like every time I turn on these Olympic Games I see boxing or rowing. I love pro boxing. Pro boxing is the greatest sport there is but Olympic boxing takes everything great about boxing and flushes it down the toilet. The weakest jab counts just as much as the most crushing body shot and the head gear ensures that nothing interesting will ever happen. However, rowing has to be the worst Olympic sport. It's so monotonous, and utterly bereft of Americans, and there are so many events. I say all this as a ridiculously boring cycling event is putting me to sleep. So many of these sports are unwatchable. No wonder we only pay attention once every four years.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous J. said...

All of that having been said, watching Michael Phelps get his 8th gold at a sushi bar filled with people cheering on the Japanese bronze medal winners was pretty damned sweet. We were all pretty happy for each other.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

I gotta say, Michael Phelps earned his god-like status during this Olympics. NBC's ratings went through the roof and me, who only usually cares about gymnastics, watched all of his races. And, I watched them in MD (when I was on vaca) and Phelps is definitely a god in the state. Anyway, can we talk about gymnastics and the 12 year olds the Chinese have on their team? And how cute is Shawn Johnson of the U.S.? So glad she placed! (I apologize in advance if you already discussed this last week when I was away).

BTW, nice shave, but I usually prefer facial hair on most guys, but I know how annoying a beard is in the summer with the heat and the bugs crawling around in it, etc. etc.

11:14 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

ME- 10.0

Olymics- 0.0

not big into flag waving and all that tripe so i haven't seen one event!

can't wait til this phelps dude gets caught on the juice.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

Yes, but when will hotdog eatting be considered an Olympic sport? It's more watchable than curling.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

I think the Chris Bosh tried his best to claim that most ass-grabiest title from wrestling during the USA/Spain basketball game. Thankfully, the Association posted a still:

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phelpsie's going to have one long-ass dance card when he returns from China.

2:12 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home