Movie Poster A Go-Go
Okay, so THIS time, a guy wakes up and has to go outside to get the paper BUT THEN, through an elaborate series of tripwires and lasers, The Ghost of Jigsaw rigs it so his door locks behind him and he's just in his bathrobe and he has to go TO HIS NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE to get his spare key and all this is going to make him LATE FOR WORK and... oh... oh fucking god... we are sooo out of ideas... however, we did manage to rip off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre for our posters so, you know, we got that going for us please give us money, all your money, THANKS!!!
In all seriousness, wearing other people's faces over your own face is unsanitary and shouldn't be attempted outside of a serial killer setting. I know it looks fun, kids, but getting death germs in your eye is no joke. Your own face is pretty enough, ya big freak.
Finally, the uninformed hipsters will know where that image on their shirt came from. "What do you MEAN he wasn't in a band? Isn't that Eddie Vedder?"
The Tale of Despereaux
That cute mouse thinks he's a knight, but he's so SMALL!!! He can't be a knight!!! Or... can he? Cut to: training montage featuring a "re-worked" classic song by Smash Mouth; rampant cheese puns; a cat that's all evil (bonus points if they can pull off a black cat/black knight kinda thing); a happy ending where he discovers, I don't know, that the King of France is actually just a whole bunch of mice dressed up in royal robes and then they all have big dance party over the credits to some more Smash Mouth songs. God, non-Pixar animated stuff is just so much bullshit times a million. Unless of course this is actually the story of how the The Black Plague got started. That would be a little bit of alright.
(or Ausser Kontrolle if you're in a German techno band)
Shia LeBeouf fights a plane! Shia LeBeouf bags a hot chick! Shia LeBeouf somehow fools Hollywood into thinking he's a bankable movie star, despite looking like a comp-sci major with a comic book collection and a backpack full of loose joints! Whatever, Shia LeGoofyName. Whatever. Also, this poster... lousy like jock itch. They're trying to make this movie look WAY EXCITING and EXXXTREME and LEBEOUFTASTIC but in all actuality, it just makes me think that the graphic designers got into a screaming fight about which images to put on the poster until one of them went, "Fine, Bradley, FINE... we'll just put EVERYTHING on the poster. Happy now?" But Bradley wasn't happy. Bradley died a little inside. God, he thought to himself... he gets so angry when he drinks...
Friday The 13th: The New Batch