Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Saw V



Okay, so THIS time, a guy wakes up and has to go outside to get the paper BUT THEN, through an elaborate series of tripwires and lasers, The Ghost of Jigsaw rigs it so his door locks behind him and he's just in his bathrobe and he has to go TO HIS NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE to get his spare key and all this is going to make him LATE FOR WORK and... oh... oh fucking god... we are sooo out of ideas... however, we did manage to rip off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre for our posters so, you know, we got that going for us please give us money, all your money, THANKS!!!

In all seriousness, wearing other people's faces over your own face is unsanitary and shouldn't be attempted outside of a serial killer setting. I know it looks fun, kids, but getting death germs in your eye is no joke. Your own face is pretty enough, ya big freak.

Chevolution



Finally, the uninformed hipsters will know where that image on their shirt came from. "What do you MEAN he wasn't in a band? Isn't that Eddie Vedder?"

The Tale of Despereaux



That cute mouse thinks he's a knight, but he's so SMALL!!! He can't be a knight!!! Or... can he? Cut to: training montage featuring a "re-worked" classic song by Smash Mouth; rampant cheese puns; a cat that's all evil (bonus points if they can pull off a black cat/black knight kinda thing); a happy ending where he discovers, I don't know, that the King of France is actually just a whole bunch of mice dressed up in royal robes and then they all have big dance party over the credits to some more Smash Mouth songs. God, non-Pixar animated stuff is just so much bullshit times a million. Unless of course this is actually the story of how the The Black Plague got started. That would be a little bit of alright.

Eagle Eye

(or Ausser Kontrolle if you're in a German techno band)



Shia LeBeouf fights a plane! Shia LeBeouf bags a hot chick! Shia LeBeouf somehow fools Hollywood into thinking he's a bankable movie star, despite looking like a comp-sci major with a comic book collection and a backpack full of loose joints! Whatever, Shia LeGoofyName. Whatever. Also, this poster... lousy like jock itch. They're trying to make this movie look WAY EXCITING and EXXXTREME and LEBEOUFTASTIC but in all actuality, it just makes me think that the graphic designers got into a screaming fight about which images to put on the poster until one of them went, "Fine, Bradley, FINE... we'll just put EVERYTHING on the poster. Happy now?" But Bradley wasn't happy. Bradley died a little inside. God, he thought to himself... he gets so angry when he drinks...

Friday The 13th: The New Batch



Fuck you, Michael Bay. Seriously. Fuck you.

14 Comments:

Blogger jason quinones said...

i always felt the same exact way about those che tee wearing emo hipster bastards!!!!

i bet 99/999% of those idiots no nothing of che outside of his pop icon face tee status!

i too hate all the bay produced redux films of old school horror classics but that jason poster is pretty sweet.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Bradley®™©™ said...

YOU BASTARD!!!

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Face it. Hollywood needs to just sink into the ocean with the all the crap they keep putting out. Or they can all pile into LeBufs car and he can drive them into the ocean.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Wait. That's NOT an Ian Astbury®™©™ t-shirt I've been rockin' all these years?!?!!!

I helped Bradley with that poster design. Graphically.

I don't know if you and GF are interested, but Sister Kisser®™©™ is playing NYC on the 15th...

10:47 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... As much as I hate to admit it, yeah, that poster is kinda sweet.

Bradley... Sorry, I shouldn't have made your personal problems public.

Just Saying... He does seem to have a knack for that.

Lioux... Um, YES, we're interested in a Sister Kisser performance. Times, locations, etc???

11:00 AM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

Michael Bay needs to go. Like, nows. TO HELL.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I sent all the necessary SK®™©™ to you on FB®™©, Clinton.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

i can't wait for the highway chase scene in friday the 13th.

or slowmo hot chick screaming

or when a truck explodes in the middle of camp crystal lake

2:08 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Fo shizzle on the Michael Bay hate. The man is the cinematic equivalent of Sean "I'll never call you Puffy or Puff Daddy or P-Diddy or any fucking thing other than Sean" Combs: a no talent hack who's making an insanely posh living by ripping off creative people from the past.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Alienwhere... He'd just blow it up.

Lioux... ROCK!!!

Wish... Or when Jason turns into an F-16 and flys around all FWOOOOSH!!!

Justin... Okay, to be fair, I had no problem with Michael Bay and all his excesses when he was just making loud, stupid action movies. But this whole "remaking every classic horror movie thing" is just unacceptable. For that, I hope he stubs his toe really hard or something.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

I'd have to agree with that. When he was just making shit blow up all crazy, it was annoying, but ok. Even possibly entertaining, in a juvenile way. But he's overstepping some serious bounds with this stuff now.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

I'm sure I'll take a whole rash of shit for this just like last time, but when you support one piece of Michael Bay garbage (Transformers) you enable him to do remakes of Friday the 13th and The Birds.

4:26 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

J... I see your point, but... I don't know... it's just not that black and white for me. I *like* big stupid action movies (like Transformers and Bad Boys) but I *don't like it* when my favorite horror films get remaid in a slick, impersonal manner. I see them as being mutually exclusive. Now, yes, the fact that the two things are being enabled by the same man does, in fact, muddy the waters a bit, I'll grant you that. Still though, I don't see any reason preventing me from liking one thing that a certain director does and NOT liking another.

4:46 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

So, you want the Autobahn and all the snappy uniforms without Stalingrad and Buchenwald. And before anyone starts, I know that its a cheap shot to compare Michael Bay to Hitler, but if you think of him as the Hitler of bad film makers, it makes a little more sense. I guess Uwe Boll would be Mussolini, and for Tojo...I got nothing. The point is that when you vote for the Hitler that gives you the Autobahn and makes you proud to be German, you still get the crazy bastard who invades Russia and murders millions...cinematically speaking.

4:59 AM  

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