Friday, August 01, 2008

Whiny Little Bitch Hodgepodge

Having survived my trip to the DMV, I am now legally a resident of New York state. Freaking out a little bit? Why, yes! I know, I know... it doesn't sound like a cataclysmic life-event or anything but, keep this in mind: My birthday is less than a week away and I don't handle getting older very well (because I'm a big baby) and during this time of the year, any sort of happenstance that smacks of "growing up" or "change" is fraught with so much symbolism and meaning my head might fucking explode like a neutron bomb of whiny, white-guy angst. And, yes, I recognize that this isn't one of my more charming qualities. Sorry. My father's the same way so I guess being a total pussy about your birthday is genetic. Blame him.

But you have to grant me that this is sort of a big deal. In the eyes of the law... if not in the eyes of anyone else, myself included... I am a New Yorker. I mean, look, I know that I'll always be a Texan... no matter how long I live here, or anywhere else for that matter, it will never be long enough to erase the first twenty-two years of a life spent in the hot, flat confines of the largest US state (that's right, I said LARGEST... fuck you, Alaska... you're Canada's ill-fitting toupee). I love BBQ and country music and enormously dumb belt buckles and longhorn cattle and Nolan Ryan and the stars at night that are unquestionably big and bright. That shit is my DNA.

But still, ya know? BUT STILL. I sort of feel like Sam Houston is going to come alive and kick my ass.

Meh... whatever... I know that I'm probably making too much of this. Just how it is during the weeks surrounding my birthday. I'm trying to keep any and all wigging out internal, where it'll build up into a hard, evil rock of cancer, I'm sure, somewhere down the line and then I can bitch about THAT until I'm dragged kicking and screaming into hell by a man in a dark, hooded robe. Ah, Death... See ya soon!!!

NOTE: Did I mention I don't handle birthday's well?


On to less distressing topics... um... I'm sure there's something... sorry, it's really hard to focus on anything other than myself, right now. I mean, it's ALWAYS hard to focus on anything other than myself... that's what happens when you're as awesome as me... but right now it's like doubly hard. I'm two years away from thirty! THIRTY!!! And yeah, yeah... I know that some of you out there are already thirty or past thirty or well into your elderly years (ZFS! is huge in retirement homes, for some reason) but that is SOOOOO not the point. We're talking about my selfish ass here, not yours.

Ugh... SORRY... I'm really trying to not be like this. And really, it's not JUST my birthday that's got me fitted for extra-tight crankypants. My job sucks and I'm kind of broke and the Mets didn't do anything to plug up their leaky bullpen at the trade deadline and the fourth season of Six Feet Under (which Girlfriend and I are currently watching on DVD) is starting out pretty lame and I don't know and stuff and whatever and junk.

I guess the most positive way to look at my current mental state is that it's best to get it all out now. I'm having a big wingding next week in honor of my glory and I'd really prefer to not spend the entire night in the darkest corner of the bar cutting myself with a broken bottle and mutter unspecified threats towards all my friends who just want me to stop crying so hard because I'm setting off car alarms up and down the block.

This is healthy...?


Uh... so, yeah. What else? Oh, I'm finally going to check out The Dark Knight this weekend. Just wanted to make sure that I was THE last person on Earth to see it before I made the trip down to the theater. Batman will heal my soul. Right? Right.


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Let’s break it down: Almost 30 and full of angst? Check. Difficulty focusing on anything other than yourself? Check. Surrendered your hometown driver’s license? Check. Dissatisfied with the Mets management? Check.

Congratulations! You’re officially a NEW YORKER!

9:49 AM  
Blogger AndSheWas said...

I saw The Dark Knight last weekend; do whatever you can to not sit two rows from the front. Punch an old lady if you have to. Sitting that close put a big damper on what should have been a life-changing experience.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

See it in IMAX if at all possible - it's worth it. So, so pretty. :)

10:54 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Don't you just fucking hate Brenda? Good God.

Funny thing about her, though...

She reminds me an awful lot of a friend's wife, a woman I also can't stand. The other day, that friend and I were out "golfing" when Six Feet Under came up and, out of the blue, he mentioned how much that character made him want to throw his TV into the street.

I give the marriage another year, tops.

10:59 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I haven't seen Dark Knight yet either! Also, it's ok to freak out now as long as you get it out of your system so that you can be happy next week. :)

11:07 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Banishment... I know. It feels just excellent.

And She Was... I might just punch an old lady anyway. For funsies.

Becky... We're trying, dude. Them IMAX tickets are elusive motherfuckers.

Justin... That's hilarious! Yeah, she's a bit of a pain in the ass, but I kind of feel that way about ALL the characters on Six Feet Under. As much as I totally love the show, of course. My biggest problem right now is with George, Ruth's husband in season 4. He's a douche.

Brooklyn... No, totally. That's kind of what this was. Trying to get it all out of me early so I can actually enjoy my birthday for once.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


You're going to be that much closer to being an Awesome Old Man!

12:44 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

i don't think the headhunting pygmy tribes of new guinea have seen the dark knight yet?

p.s. happy b-day you big cry baby bitch!!!

(2 years from thirty! boo g-damn hoo! cry me a fucking river whydoncha!

5:00 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

YOu fucking pussy ass whippersnapper, all whiny and shit about being 28 --- wow.....Poor baby.... grow a pair and suck it up.... Life only gets harder as you go along....Happy Birthday big guy, oh yes, I have one coming up soon and I will be forty fucking three....

6:38 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I vote that Bill flies in and parties with us on your birthday.

1:57 PM  

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