Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Brief Photo Tour of the 2008 San Diego Comic-Con, or, "Mother, May I Use Your Sewing Machine Tonight?"

NOTE: Before we get into this, I would just like to point out that I, myself, am a total nerdwad. Horror movies are my particular area of shameful life-wasting, but I'm pretty much cool with all the stuff you'd find sheltered under the umbrella of San Diego's 2008 Comic Con. So the commentary that follows? Believe me when I say that it's coming from a place of love.


I can only assume that the "S" on his chest stands for "Sciatica pain? Why yes, I've got that in abundance." Seriously... dude... there's an unspoken rule in the geek community that clearly states a cut-off age for dressing up like a superhero and going out in public. The reason why we have that: You're basically the saddest vision of our future since we thought we heard our right hand say "I love you" one night after stumbling onto some Buffy slash-fiction. On the plus side, guys who waited all day in line to see the Head Letterer for some of Marvel's more obscure titles just slapped themselves on the forehead and said, "Holy shit, I need to buy some decent slacks and hit the bars or FUCKING SOMETHING!"


Okay, ignore the douchiest pirate to ever pretend-sail the pretend-seas and then ignore the daddy-issues Ecstasy freak who's only here for the attention... what the fuck is up with Old Man Whitherspoon over there, chilling in a sweat suit and rocking an official lanyard that gets him into all the parties, no questions asked? Does he know the guy who's shoveling in all the famous people's blow? Is he Stan Lee's dad? Or did he just bust out an indie comic after sixty years working in a liquor store like a new-wave Harvey Pekar, but with a drinking problem and a deep hatred for any ethnicity other than his own? Well, whatever the case, make friends with him early and never leave his side. He's got the keys to the kingdom and you're about to have a night so life-changing, you'll wake up tomorrow as an orangutan that knows kung-fu or a 1967 Chevy Impala that runs on awesome and takes trips to the Moon.


Why yes... this is exactly what I see when I look in the mirror.


(sigh)... oookay, Reuben, lets have ourselves a little conversation, fat guy to fat guy... see, there's a concept that you need to get on board with called "dressing weight appropriate." It's where you deeply, deeply embrace the world of wide-waisted khaki pants and layers of dress shirts and t-shirts and ponchos and occasionally you just wrap yourself in a Coleman tent and just wear that because fuck it, at least it's obscuring your man-boobs. What you DON'T do is dress up like The Dark Knight Got A Thyroid Problem. That's just BEGGING for trouble, my man. Remember, "Batman" is one letter away from "Fatman" and, trust me, even really stupid people are going to figure that shit out quick. Oh, and... last thing... can you not go twelve hours at the Con without snacks? You had to break shit down in the Ralph's junk food isle? HAD to? Think about it... think about everything... and get the damn Twizzlers out of your utility belt.


Fuck me running, I was just thinking to myself how awesome it would be to have a perfect example of someone dressing weight appropriate for the Con and then the coolest lesbian in the world walked up and said, "I get the feeling you need me right now." Swear to Christ, I teared up a little, because how often do John Candy remembrance miracles just show up out of nowhere backed by a choir of angels and throwing out thumbs up like gang signs of love?


There's playing to your strengths, and then there's hitting the nail on the head so hard, the nail dies alone in an apartment with a bunch of cats and the complete Xena: Warrior Princess series on DVD taking up all the shelf space not occupied by well-worn, deeply pornographic romance novels. (ps the nail is you)


"Um... we're never going to know what it's like to feel a tit, are we?"
"We're fucked!"

"I've really always thought of myself as a pan-sexual being from a planet that's modeled after all the lovely, elegant things about 19th century Japan, but with hair like the guy who runs the Urban Decay nail polish kiosk at the mall and a love for the color pink that lets my heartsong roar like a beautiful, sensual tiger and... huh...? What are you talking about? What comic book convention?"
Oooh, look at the Dark Lord of the Sith drinking a DIET SODA!!! Apparently midichlorians don't do much for a guy in the weight-loss department. All kidding aside, THIS is why people make fun of chicks and dudes who dress up at Cons... you can be all double-lightsaber badass and everything and have your gear locked down perfect, but at some point you're going to have to eat some convention center nachos or drink a diet soda or quickly take a thunderdump before the Battlestar Galactica panel and... MOTHERFUCKING POOF... the magic, the illusion, it's all gone. You're just a sad and lonely guy who works in an office building's IT department and has waaaay too much time on his sad and lonely hands.

Ah, who am I kidding? Nerds fucking rule!


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Whenever I feel down on myself—like I’m not as successful as I could be or I should be further along on a career path (or I should, in fact, start one) or I should, at this age, be making more $$$ than I do, I go down to Atlantic City. I spend an afternoon strolling around looking at the masses and I suddenly feel a lot better about myself. I get the same sense of smug, empty superiority looking at these pics.

Is that wrong of me?

9:40 AM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Batman is one letter away from Fatman... that is classic. What I love about these comic con dudes and gals is their genuine state of being. I always think of these guys as real people who have a passion. I wish I could be into something as full tilt as they are about this silly stuff. They make me feel good.

10:12 AM  
Anonymous stewwwwwwwwwwww said...

hilarious post, dude.

but that last picture... seriously, a rifle AND a chainsaw? Aren't you going to need to put down one to use the other? I mean, I don't want to get all technical on your serial-killing ass, but for reals, lame, dude. It's like you're too lazy to invent the chainsawrifle.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I used to be a page colorist/advertising designer for an independent comic book company and would have to [occasionally] work these 'cons'.

One of the funniest things I saw was 'Spiderman' trying to drink a carbonated beverage through. a. STRAW!!!

[He actually looked wayyyyy cool and had the body/physique to pull it off--but, well, see point #9].

10:31 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Basnishment & Bill... I'm actually somewhere in the middle of you two. There's a part of me that looks at these guys and thinks, "Wow, well, at least I'm not like THAT poor fucker." But then there's another part... a moist, geeky part... that looks at them and thinks, "Hey, get on with your bad self. Feel like dressing up as a Death Troll or whatever? Just do it man!!!"

Stew... Dude, you gotta check out the Evil Dead movies. You will know well how a man can use a chainsaw and a shotgun at the same time (hint: the chainsaw IS his hand!!!)

Lioux... A video of that would be the viral sensation of the year. Or at least until a cute video of a sleepy kitty came along.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I love #4 - The Fat Knight! As for #9, I bet anything that Darthy added plenty of rum to that soda. That's how I always deal with the subway.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

someone dressed up as Barf to Comic-Con?

my brain just overloaded with awesome

1:04 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Re: #4 The black is so slimming!

2:12 PM  
Anonymous sah-tewwwwwww said...

ok, I am really upset about the chainsaw-for-hand thing because my hand is a HAND and I still managed to set fire to my face with it.

The Captain America guy? I might hit that. It's been a tense week around here.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

And, speaking of trainwrecks - you should enjoy this blog:



11:28 PM  
Blogger mmyers said...

I went to a comic con once where a kid sat in a chair in a coma-like state for the entire weekend. Turns out he was playing some live action vampire game. *shudder*

9:02 AM  

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