Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Slapped An Old Chinese Man's Ass


It's true. On the train this morning... I mean, I didn't do it on purpose (as far as he's concerned anyway). My official story is that the train I was on lurched and I was off-balance and my hand kind of swung out and smacked right into his sweet, delicate roughly-85-year-old ass by "accident." But c'mon... we all know the truth. How could you NOT slap the bony, wrinkled butt of a chinaman when it's right there all, "hit me... hit me, big boy?!?!" I'm only human.
Needless to say, he wasn't pleased. Turned and glared at me and muttered a few words in his language that I'm pretty sure weren't, "let's get a hotel room and you can paddle me like a river, you hot, fat hunk of something else."
But there was a look in his eyes, ya know? I could tell he felt something. I'd really like to think that somewhere in this crazy city of ours, there's an old Chinese man writing a blog post that starts, "This chunky American slapped my ass on the train this morning... and I'll never forget him."
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

21 Comments:

Blogger Ross said...

I can only hope to have such a magical moment with someone today. Too bad Minneapolis doesn't have a lurching subway.

9:46 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Lightness of Banishment said...

What a beautiful story! You just can’t top a good subway romance. It makes me wish I had a nice old Chinese ass in front of me to slap right now.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Oh Clinton!

I'm sure OCM didn't mind. I, myself, get my ass slapped all the time whenever the sidewalk lurches.

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Old Chinese Man®™©™ said...

; )

10:25 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... Dare to dream, my friend.

Banishment... I know, right? I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!!!

Lioux... Well obviously. I've always thought of you as the old chinese man's ass of the Jersey rock and roll world.

Old Chinese Man... YOU FOUND ME!!!!

10:38 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

That was the single most beautiful and touching thing I have read all week! The line " bony, wrinkled butt of a chinaman" just melted my heart! This belongs on Missed Connections!

10:44 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

Awesome post man. Just fucking awesome.

10:54 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Awww, C-dog's in love!!!!!!!

11:08 AM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

Have you considered posting a "Missed Connection" on Craigslist?

11:21 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Maybe you should find out what the cultural significance of a slap on the ass is in China. Here it's a sexy come on but who knows what it means over there.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... Your hearts melted? Mine is a dropped Klondike bar in August from all the love I'm feeling right now.

Surviving... Not half as awesome as that old Chinese man's ass.

Brooklyn... He's my Mr. Big.

Girlfriend... Hey, I'm the guy who slapped your ass and then made lewd tongue motions at you. Wanna hook up, old Chinese guy? Green tea with me and dumplings at dawn?

Jeff... The way I did, it transcended all cultural boundaries. So dirty.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

this changes the meaning of it came from chinatown entirely

11:46 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

That's awesome. And since he didn't turn around and slap you, he probably did enjoy it. You should have slipped him your number.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wish... (rimshot)

Subway... Who's saying I didn't?

12:12 PM  
Blogger mmyers said...

You're lucky this didn't explode into a full-blown Chinese martial arts extravaganza. Just thinking about it sounds expensive.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

This post totally had me cracking up while I read it waiting for the bus.

Seriously, you made the other people waiting think I was high or crazy or something.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

"Ping smiled and waved his cudgel to show approval of China's sweeping new healthcare reforms. Sadly, his son Yang would inform him later that evening (over stir fry noodles, with minced dog) that said reforms would not cover Ping's decade-old request for a new set of chompers."

--From National Geographic, August 1973.

4:50 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

The title of this post alone has the makings of a great pop song. Sure, maybe not as succinct as "I Kissed a Girl," but definitely Top 40 material.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Mmyers... True dat. The last martial arts extravaganza I was involved in nearly broke me, financially. And, for that matter, physically too. Them punches is hurty!

Big Daddy... I do what I can.

Sonny... I *knew* I'd seen him before!

Justin... It's going to be huge in China.

7:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

他可能說"傻子你那麼這麼笨蛋走開".
一定是那樣..

7:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?


----------------
kelly divine

1:58 PM  

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