Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ways To Liven Up A Trip To The DMV

NOTE: I will be spending my day waiting in line at New York's Department of Motor Vehicles, trying once again to acquire a drivers license that I will never use. Ah, futility! Anyway, as it's more than likely going to be an unparalleled experience of soul-deadening boredom, I've come up with a few ways that I can entertain myself during the ordeal. Please, let me share them with you now, so when it's your turn over the bureaucracy barrel, you won't be unprepared...

-Every time you hear the phrase, "Next, please," do a shot. Do a shot every time you see someone filling out a form. Also, do a shot every time someone sighs in frustration. You know what, just show up drunk and see what happens.

-Try to convince the people around you that DMV stands for Department of MONKEY Vehicles!!! If they don't believe you, tell your monkey to claw their fucking face off. Oh, you should bring a monkey with you to sell the gag... sorry, should have mentioned that. Make sure it's vicious.

-When they take your picture for the license, see if they'll do some nudie shots of you while they're at it. I couldn't hurt to ask and, hey, wouldn't it be cool to have the first drivers license photo ever to feature pubes?

-Wait in line... while still in your car. Argue with security that is clearly says "Motor Vehicles" in the department's name, so it should be allowed. Don't take "we're calling the police" or "you ran over an elderly man" as an excuse to give up your place in line. Honk loudly for service. (you shouldn't do this one if you're also planning on doing the Department of MONKEY Vehicles gag; don't want to look like an asshole who can't get his story straight)

-Try to turn the boring ol' line into a CONGA line!!! Just place your hands on the hips of the person in front of you. Don't let go. Hum samba music loud enough to drown out their cries for help.

-Get everyone involved in a wacky game of "Telephone!!!" Watch as the phrase started at one end becomes something completely different by the time it reaches the other!!! While the dickholes are distracted by this children's game, steal their wallets.

-By the time you leave, there shouldn't be a single person or object in that office that hasn't been farted on.

-Or, you know, I guess you could just bring a book or something. Still show up drunk, though. Like you wouldn't anyways. You've got a problem, man...


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Here’s a tip that I should have passed on to you prior to today:

When getting or renewing a driver’s license in NYC, it’s best to go to the DMV towards the end of the day. EVERYBODY goes first thing in the morning and stands in an insufferably long queue. By the end of the day, the lines have generally disappeared and the DMV employees are so beaten down, they don’t have the energy to give you the bad attitude that they heap on people who show up in the morning.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

Don't take "we're calling the police" or "you ran over an elderly man" as an excuse

As if I ever would?

just show up drunk and see what happens.

...blogger happyhour?

12:31 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


Where was this post in early June?!?!!!



Some of US could've really used this information.

Or more of it anyway.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The DMV should share space with the OTB so you could bet on the ponies while standing around.

8:43 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

I totally agree with The Unbearable Banishment, when you plan to go to DMV New York always go there at the end of the day. Lol.

10:46 AM  

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