Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Inedible Ramen: The Death of a Dream

Newsflash, motherfuckers... Ramen can go bad!!!

As in stale, as in you can't eat it because it tastes butt-nasty, as in my world is fucking shattered because of all the things that are supposed to forever remain true, number fucking ONE is that you can always count on a starchy, sodium-y, sorta depressing, not-that-good-actually bowl of Ramen when you're light on cash and heavy with self-loathing.
Turns out, not the case. I was supposed to have some Ramen for lunch... it was going to be shameful and spirit-crushing and Shrimp flavored... I opened the package (expiration date: 12/08/07), I added the seasoning powder, I poured on the hot water, I died a little inside, and then I sat down to take a big fucking sad bite. And I knew immediately that something was wrong. It smelled... off. Not that Ramen is something you want to daub on your pulse points before Brad takes you out on the town or anything (god, Brad's so dreamy...), but still. It has a unique smell and this, today's Ramen, smelled like that unique smell's evil twin. Twirly black moustache and everything. Kind of industrial cleaner-ish... soapy... but Asian.
Not trusting my instincts (I'm dumb that way), I took a bite. Horror... pain... sorrow... stale Ramen-ness all hot and rotten Shrimpy like demon barf in a Styrofoam container of non-biodegradable hate.
I threw it away, wiser now. Grown up too fast. I've stared into the blackness of the world and it has stared back into me. I'm forever changed. Ramen can go bad, you guys. You cannot un-know this. I'm sorry, my children... I'm so fucking sorry...


Anonymous JustinS said...

That's not true... That's impossible!

1:41 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Seriously? Fuck man. I'm totally disillusioned.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


2:20 PM  
Anonymous Luke Skywalker®™©™ said...

That's not true... That's impossible!

Obi-Wan®™©™ told about Ramen...

2:23 PM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

that explains all the times i got sick after eating ramen in college (nothing to do with the mass quantities of alcoholic beverages consumed before said ramen)

3:26 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Ramen noodles are on my list now. go bad on us indeed. ramen noodles are the tool of the pasta type dishes.

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I won'te believe it. You're lying to us. LIAR!!

5:42 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

I didn't even new Ramen had an expiration date! I had some in my cabinets for about 2 years until I finally threw it out because I figured if I haven't eaten by now, I never would. That's sad though, that Ramen can go bad. We used to be BFF in college. Once, there was one package of Ramen left in my dorm suite and it didn't have seasoning, so I took a package of some powdered cheese seasoning and added it to my Ramen thinking it would taste good. It did not. Not at all.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Brad's dreamy, but tends to get a little 'hands-y'.

Even on the first date.

7:20 PM  
Blogger mmyers said...

I had Ramen today for lunch, but they didn't call it Ramen. They called it Souper Meal. Surely Souper Meal (with chicken flavor) would never turn on me...

4:06 PM  

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