Monday, August 04, 2008

Monday Morning Hodgepodge

NOTE: My last "hodgepodge" post ended up being a barely readable pile of whiny-ass monkeyshines that made the Baby Jesus give me the finger and Santa Claus send me an email that was actually just a picture of his dong. Soooo... in an effort to reset the balance of things and restore order to the Earth and hopefully put an end to fictional characters showing me their junk via the internet, we're going to try the whole "hodgepodge" concept again. With a vengeance!!! Or, you know, not. Also, I'm off on Friday and might not feel like rolling my bloated, unpleasant self out of bed. So there's that too. Anyway...

The first order of business today is, I'll admit, entirely self-serving and can only be described as a thorough, lusty blowing of my own horn. That's what she said. Here's the deal... a few days ago, relatively new and entirely handsome commenter The Unbearable Banishment took it upon himself to enter a post I had written into a "Post of the Week" contest held by a British website called... um... Post of the Week. And, lo and behold, as you'll see when you click on that link there, I WON THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING THING!!! Or, rather, I won this past week's contest. Which is exciting! And a nice ego boost! And not that big a deal, grand scheme, but whatever! My prize for winning? The pride and satisfaction of pleasing British people with my words. Which, okay, isn't exactly a shiny solid-gold jet pack or even a lifetime supply of free waffles, but... hey... I never win anything, so getting to be smug for a little while is, in it's own way, the greatest prize of all. Or something. But yeah, anyway, big-assed, sloppy-kisses-with-tongue to my new bestest buddy The UB, and double-bacon-cheese thanks to the folks over at PotW... all of you make me feel like a natural woman, but for writing.

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FINALLY, after a million billion years spent in the wastelands of ignorance, which are kind of like if Outer Space was the color of manila envelopes and smelled like a shrug, I got around to seeing The Dark Knight. Best movie ever? Tough call, as I, nor anyone else, have seen every single movie ever made in the history of everything, but... yeah... when that final, vaunted list finally comes down from on high or wherever the fuck they're keeping it, I think it's pretty safe to say that The Dark Knight will be right up there near the top. Just an amazing film on all levels... acting, story, direction, those crazy-go-nuts action scenes... you name it, it had it by the heaping, dripping handfuls. Heath Ledger, as many have already pointed out, basically redefined the role of the villain for our new Millennium (and was creepy as all fuck, besides), but I think a special shout-out should go to Aaron Eckhart as well for knocking Harvey Dent over the outfield wall and into the traffic below. His performance was too good to get completely overshadowed. But yeah... the movie as a whole, seriously, wowzers times a million squared. Oh, and NO, I didn't see it in IMAX. But that's okay. I still feel like a man.

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This morning, I was standing naked in my kitchen making a sandwich for my lunch and I somehow managed to splatter mustard on my balls. So... as far as ways to start your day are concerned... I'd have to come out AGAINST wiping condiments off your genitals with a paper towel while a stray cat stares at you from the fire escape with a look that can only be described as feline disgust. Just sets a weird tone, you know? To be fair, though, my balls DID look delicious all yellow mustard-y and just begging to be wrapped in some thinly sliced deli ham. Dare I add a pickle? Oh fuck yes I add a pickle! It's balls! Tasty, tasty sandwich balls.

9 Comments:

Blogger Lioux said...

Congratulations on winning the PotW, Clinton.

And.

That poor stray cat.

It wasn't Brain Setzer®™©™ was it?

10:13 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Having mustard-flavored balls will get you nowhere. In the past, I have tried to convince various girls that my balls taste like chocolate, with limited success.

You certainly deserved Post of the Week, so please stop being so humble. If I ever develop a curiosity about having sex with men, I will contact you straight away.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Daniel said...

I find it best to claim your balls taste like instant noodle-soup. Because at least you couldn't be called out for deception, in the unlikely event anyone were to test your claim.
It hasn't paid off so far, but I haven't given up yet. Because sometime in the next week or so, you're going to get a craving for instant noodle soup. Wait and see.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous David said...

I didn’t find the Joker all villainy like everyone keeps raving about. He was just plain weird, which I think many would be saying if Heath hadn’t gone and died. I have to admit that he was better than the Joker from the series.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Congrats on winning the contest!!!

But ummmmmmm why were you preparing your lunch naked in front of an open fire escape giving all felines a nice view or your mustardy balls? I often walk around naked in the morning in front of open windows, because I just don't care when it's that early, but I do what I gotta do and move before anyone catches me.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Thanks, and no, it was not Brain Setzer. Nor was it Brian Setzer. It was no Setzer of any kind.

UB... It's either humbleness or it's me walking around wearing a gold crown and regal robes. Please feel free to contact me any time (WINK!!!!!!!!!!!LOOK AT MY DONG!!!!!)

Daniel... Genius? Dunno, but you're getting there. No one can deny the taste of instant-noodle soup balls for long.

David... Nah, he was awesome.

Subway... Well, I dunno, I had just gotten out of the shower and I didn't feel like getting dressed. Also, the fire escape in question is out a window that's over a disused courtyard full of trees. So I don't think I was putting on too much of a scandelous, disgusting show.

12:24 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

I'll die happy and fulfilled if I go the rest of my life without hearing or reading "mustard on my balls" again.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

First off, I was a little late to the Dark Knight party myself, so I feel you. Also, my mind will never be the same and every movie I see from here on out has some big motherfucking shoes to fill.

That being said, are you sure the cat wasn't looking at you not with feline disgust, but instead, a haughty, "if I were over there, you don't even want to know what I'd do to those mustard covered balls" look?

Because THAT would have been an interesting morning.

1:04 PM  
OpenID popomaticjeff said...

It's a good thing you weren't in the kitchen frying bacon. That could have been painful

9:34 AM  

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