Monday Morning Hodgepodge

NOTE: My last "hodgepodge" post ended up being a barely readable pile of whiny-ass monkeyshines that made the Baby Jesus give me the finger and Santa Claus send me an email that was actually just a picture of his dong. Soooo... in an effort to reset the balance of things and restore order to the Earth and hopefully put an end to fictional characters showing me their junk via the internet, we're going to try the whole "hodgepodge" concept again. With a vengeance!!! Or, you know, not. Also, I'm off on Friday and might not feel like rolling my bloated, unpleasant self out of bed. So there's that too. Anyway...

The first order of business today is, I'll admit, entirely self-serving and can only be described as a thorough, lusty blowing of my own horn. That's what she said. Here's the deal... a few days ago, relatively new and entirely handsome commenter The Unbearable Banishment took it upon himself to enter a post I had written into a "Post of the Week" contest held by a British website called... um... Post of the Week. And, lo and behold, as you'll see when you click on that link there, I WON THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING THING!!! Or, rather, I won this past week's contest. Which is exciting! And a nice ego boost! And not that big a deal, grand scheme, but whatever! My prize for winning? The pride and satisfaction of pleasing British people with my words. Which, okay, isn't exactly a shiny solid-gold jet pack or even a lifetime supply of free waffles, but... hey... I never win anything, so getting to be smug for a little while is, in it's own way, the greatest prize of all. Or something. But yeah, anyway, big-assed, sloppy-kisses-with-tongue to my new bestest buddy The UB, and double-bacon-cheese thanks to the folks over at PotW... all of you make me feel like a natural woman, but for writing.

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FINALLY, after a million billion years spent in the wastelands of ignorance, which are kind of like if Outer Space was the color of manila envelopes and smelled like a shrug, I got around to seeing The Dark Knight. Best movie ever? Tough call, as I, nor anyone else, have seen every single movie ever made in the history of everything, but... yeah... when that final, vaunted list finally comes down from on high or wherever the fuck they're keeping it, I think it's pretty safe to say that The Dark Knight will be right up there near the top. Just an amazing film on all levels... acting, story, direction, those crazy-go-nuts action scenes... you name it, it had it by the heaping, dripping handfuls. Heath Ledger, as many have already pointed out, basically redefined the role of the villain for our new Millennium (and was creepy as all fuck, besides), but I think a special shout-out should go to Aaron Eckhart as well for knocking Harvey Dent over the outfield wall and into the traffic below. His performance was too good to get completely overshadowed. But yeah... the movie as a whole, seriously, wowzers times a million squared. Oh, and NO, I didn't see it in IMAX. But that's okay. I still feel like a man.

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This morning, I was standing naked in my kitchen making a sandwich for my lunch and I somehow managed to splatter mustard on my balls. So... as far as ways to start your day are concerned... I'd have to come out AGAINST wiping condiments off your genitals with a paper towel while a stray cat stares at you from the fire escape with a look that can only be described as feline disgust. Just sets a weird tone, you know? To be fair, though, my balls DID look delicious all yellow mustard-y and just begging to be wrapped in some thinly sliced deli ham. Dare I add a pickle? Oh fuck yes I add a pickle! It's balls! Tasty, tasty sandwich balls.