Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic Events: A Pictorial, Pt. 2


I guess it's impressive. I mean, it's just gravity times gymnastics plus water and tiny bathing suits that leave NOTHING to the imagination... nads all smushed together like a melting box of chocolates in a spandex garbage disposal... horrifying... but anyway, yeah, diving is cool. Infinitely more so since Greg Louganis cracked open his melon on the high dive, causing the nation as a whole to spit out it's Doritos all "Holy shit that guy's dead!" It added that element of danger, ya know, or at least it made said element a little more tangible. And I think we can ALL agree that anything is more interesting if there's a chance we might see someone else's blood all over the place and then some screaming in pain and maybe, if we're lucky, a little Theismen-style bone-sticking-out-of-the-leg. Now THAT'S quality television. And by quality, I mean I just threw up everywhere. It was mostly Doritos.


Gotta love any event that's equally at home on the world stage of the Olympics AND in your Uncle's basement rec room. Not that there's any connection whatsoever between the two in terms of quality of play. One's all about getting away from the wives for a few hours after the barbecue, smoking some cheap cigars, drinking some cheaper beer, and shooting the shit about Janet from accounting with the cans out to HERE. The other is about being a freaky speedster from China who can locate a little white ball traveling at the speed of sound and hit it with the force of an exploding oil refinery and then do it again and again and AGAIN!!! Fun as shit to watch, though, because it's like drawing a stick figure, then watching some other guy draw a stick figure that comes alive and eats you and all your family. Sure, you're both doing the same thing, but the other dude is performing MAGIC.



Someone please tell me why this isn't featured in the primetime Olympic broadcasts? Hello, we're AMERICANS! We like watching two dudes beat the snot out of each other. Look at the movies we watch... look at the popularity of Kimbo Slice... hell, even Bob Fucking Barker kicked Adam Sandler's ass! Sure, it was all for laughs, but as a country, we ENJOYED it. Look, I'm not saying that watching Michael Phelps win a million billion Gold medals isn't fun. I'm not saying I don't enjoy seeing the women's gymnastics team fart up the balance beam AND the floor exercises. I'm just saying that it would be nice, in between those events, to see a couple of guys rail on each other like two cabbies in a traffic dispute. C'mon television programmers... feed our insatiable lust for violence!


And speaking of gymnastics... yeah, I don't know, I can only watch so much of it. Don't get me wrong, the shit done by these chicks (and to a lesser extent, the dudes, as they are not adorable) is nothing short of shit-your-pants amazing. But... see... it stresses me the fuck out. When they come off that vault like POW and they spin around those bars like WHOOSH and they flip around on that beam like SHAZAM, I'm always 100% percent convinced that they're going to fuck up and land on the back of their necks, right where the spinal cord connects to the base of the skull. As much as I may enjoy the occasional ass-whupping and/or diving related head trauma, I'm SO not about a fifteen year old Romanian chick getting paralyzed for life because she was an eensy bit nervous. Makes my stomach hurt, gymnastics, and those of you who CAN watch it are all sick people hoping to see the birth of a quadriplegic. Or, I don't know, maybe you just like the shiny costumes.


Hey... whoa... Gold's all yours lady. Sir. Whatever you are... Jesus, just give it the fucking medal, Larry... fuck... please, I've got a family... oh god... OH GOD
(a gunshot rings out in the Beijing night and soon thereafter, a national anthem is played)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That shooting shot could be on the poster of a bad B-film that only John Woo or Tarantino could love.


"They left her for dead in Moldova. But twenty years later, she's back with a vengeance, serving justice on the biggest stage of them all! Anna Kryzitova stars in Magnum Magda!"

Too funny.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Gotta love any event that's equally at home on the world stage of the Olympics AND in your Uncle's basement rec room.

Naked wrestling?

8:48 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

These are great! I can’t wait for your commentary on wrestling (which I saw a bit of this morning). I can’t decide if it’s homoerotic or not. It certainly looks like it COULD be.

9:02 AM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Nude wrestling would not be a good idea if you ask me. Have you ever seen the statue of Hercules and Diomedes wrestling, yikes. I don’t know what you call that move, but it can’t be good.

2:08 PM  

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