Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Girly: The Ongoing Struggles of an Unbutch Dude

I'm totally a guy. I've got proof if you want to see it, but be warned... the proof is horrible and there isn't soap strong enough to wash away what you've seen. And, just so we're clear, when I say "proof" I'm actually talking about my junk. And by "horrible" I mean glorious. Look, my point is, I'm a guy... a man... a dude... at least biologically and in terms of volume of farts produced as well as butt hair and the inability to remember birthdays. But in other, more intangible, stereotypical ways, I'm not so much a guy. I'm more like a sixteen year old girl in a cotillion dress waiting to be picked up by her date whom she's afraid might try to get fresh. And, truthfully, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm secure in my masculinity... it's strong and made of iron, although I'll allow that it IS painted a light pastel pink and dotted with hand-drawn daffodils. So pretty!
Anyway, today's topic, in reference to me being a bit of a ponce... Sports!!!
Specifically, all sports that aren't baseball. Because baseball transcends all boundaries of gender and awesomness. Sure, some people say it's boring and it takes too long and it's being overrun by Puerto Ricans... those people are WRONG and a little bit racist. For shame, those people. Baseball is amazing... every game is a story, a battle, history writ large in pine tar and dirt. It is the reason Spring was invented, it gives fathers and sons something to talk about when shit gets weird, and it's yearly conclusion marks the time of the year where I just turn off the sports side of my brain for about six months. Because all the other sports... eh, I just don't care.
Okay, a caveat... football, I care about some. I mean, on the pro level I sort of feel like they're all a bunch of showboating millionaires who treat getting a first down like it's David Tyree's catch in the Super Bowl (even if it's against the Dolphins) and on the college level... well, I only kind of went to college, so it's not like I have this bone-deep loyalty to any particular school, and then there's the whole BCS ranking system which even MIT grads with alien brains think is kind of fucked up and confusing. But I do still watch football, on both levels, because I like talking to other guys during the Fall and it's best to remain conversant on the subject. Also, I'm from Texas and watching football is a part of my DNA like an appreciation for large belt buckles and a need for brisket that is deeper than the abyss in The Abyss.
So... that caveat aside... yeah, sports. I don't really care.
Basketball? Can't get into it on either level of play. I appreciate the athleticism that goes into it, I do, but still... SNORE. Also, the squeaking of the sneakers on the court is like a thousand needles having rough sex against my eardrums. And I know, you're all like "But C-dog, basketball is WAY more exciting than baseball! There's running around and jumping and the occasional elbow to the chops and DUNKS... what of the dunks, I ask you???" Yeah well, I don't know, okay. Basketball bores me to tears.
Hockey? Ha ha... it is to laugh. Even when the Dallas Stars won (sort of) the Stanley Cup, everyone in Texas was just kind of whatever about the whole thing. See, there's not traditionally a lot of cold weather and ice in our fair state so hockey, despite the presence of a professional team, just isn't a part of the sports landscape. Or, hell, maybe it is... I don't think about hockey ever, unless it's shoved in my face by you Northerners who seem to be all cuckoo for it, so perhaps I've missed the huge hockey groundswell that's sprung up in my hometown.
All the other sports, like soccer and NASCAR and, um, lacrosse, maybe? Whatever. The only alternative to the Big Four that I ever watch is when ESPN 2 shows billiards at like 3am. Crazy aim shooting this ball into the corner pocket from WAY OVER THERE and BEHIND that other ball! Nuts. But otherwise... a basket of shrugs scattered tastefully around the room by a hippie called "I Don't Care."
And because of this... all these feelings I have for the majority of the professional sports world... well, remember what I said about the cotillion dress? Yeah, that's me all over. And that's not even considering all the peripherals that I can't even FAKE an interest in... particularly Fantasy Football. Oh my god, seriously, who has the time for Fantasy Football??? You have to watch that shit like an air-traffic controller and I think it costs money and I'm pretty sure you have to be ready to play ACTUAL football for the team of your choice should one of their starters get injured. Also, isn't the Mafia involved at some point? Look, I haven't really researched it... all I know is that I barely have the energy to update my Netflix queue once a week, much less spend hours agonizing over a running back's knee and the implications therein on the rest of my squad's... er... showing in the polls or whatever it is Fantasy Football is about.
So does this make me sort of a girly dude? Don't worry, I'll answer for you... yes. It SO does, which I'm sure you figured out already from this post's title. But hey... fuck it... I'm actually okay letting my girly flag fly proudly and brilliantly all covered with rainbow glitter and Bedazzled to hell and back. Mainly because... sports aside... I'm so goddammed manly in like a million other ways.
Musical theater counts as manly, right?


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I am SO happy I had 2 daughters and 0 sons. I’d be a piss-poor excuse for a son-dad. I don’t fix cars. Don’t hunt or fish. Hate camping. Never played sports. I’m not handy around the house. Plus, I blog. How girly is that?

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it may have something to do with being a Texan and NOT going automatically batshit over football, maybe? My mother's side of the family is all in Houston, and they are all rabid Cowboys fans. Never seen anything like it.

And yeah, baseball...just about the only thing my old man and I can talk about common ground-wise, our politics being too divergent. That is spot-on. Get thee to a Kinsella novel pronto.


10:46 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I'm pretty much the most into-sports girl I've ever met. That said, I HATE Fantasy sports. But it's on principle rather than lack of commitment. I think it's ridiculous to be involved in something that can cause you to root against your own team.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

First - baseball sucks. It is boring and definitely way too long. Although, I will say, watching the game live does make it a bit more interesting.

Football - yes!!! I used to not be so much of a fan because I thought football was stupid and complicated. I used to be a cheerleader in high school and neither me, nor any of my fellow teammates ever had any idea what was going on. It was embarrassing. Anyway, now that I date a football fanatic/lunatic who grew up in Baltimore and went to grad school at Auburn, I am now a pretty big Ravens and Auburn fan, even though I grew up in and went to school in NY. Whatever. I can be easily persuaded. I'm not ashamed.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

eh, totally. If I end up having a son, he better HOPE he's into baseball. If his only wish is to be an all-star point gaurd, daddy will be like, "well good luck with that... I'll be at home watching Singin' In The Rain on DVD."

Sonny... People are nuts down there, for sure. Case in point: I follow the Cowboys pretty religiously and I'm not even that in to the sport. Who is this Kinsella you speak of?

Brooklyn... Totally. I think it's just stuff guys do to waste time.

Subway... Baseball DOES NOT suck, thank you very much. I'm sticking my tounge out at you but you can't see me because this is the internet.

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


WP Kinsella. He is best known for writing Shoeless Joe, the novel that inspired the film Field of Dreams. Personally, I'd recommend The Iowa Baseball Confederacy, which is also about baseball, but also features the Black Angel, a creepy statue that is famous in Iowa City, where I completed my BA.

Who knows, Unbearable Banishment might be able to find you a 1ed of a Kinsella. He seems to have connections.

Hope that helps/cheers from San Diego.


5:01 PM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...

allow me to point out that in the 1900's olympic games, pigeon shooting was a listed sport.

i've also posted this elsewhere, but, the enormity of the oddness of this sport leads me to continue to post it where i can...

5:22 PM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

I love baseball. I love pro-football. I love hockey.

Oh, and I love beer.


PS. i'm with you on basketball...i went to see the 76ers play when I lived in Philadelphia a few years back and it was the best $45 nap I ever had.

6:31 PM  
Blogger ML said...

a) HEY HEY HEY. Hockey is so much more awesome if you live in a cold state, dude. Also, NY teams are dirty assholes. So you haven't had a good hockey experience.

b) yes, Musical Theater counts as manly. (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)


12:42 PM  

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