Supercollider? I Hardly KNOW Her!

In a top secret location deep in the chocolate-y heart of Switzerland, the Large Hadron Collider... which is a thing that does science stuff and, if I do say so myself, looks a lot like a robot's butthole... has been activated this morning by a team of nerds that we're all just going to assume know what they're doing. Because, and I'm sure it's probably nothing, but the Large Hadron Collider has the power to DESTROY THE WORLD!!! Mind you, this is according to ANOTHER group of nerds... ones that apparently think science fiction movies are real... who claim that while the stated purpose of the LHC is to smash atoms together all awesome-style, what it is really going to do is create a bunch of black holes that will swallow up the universe and seriously put a crimp in our Friday night social lives. Well, kiddos, I'm hear to tell you that these fears are groundless. The LHC isn't going to kill us all and punch God in the face and make all of existence just a big blank void like in Daffy Duck cartoons when he was being tormented by The Animator. I know this for a fact because I'm basically a techno-science genius who always wears his smarty pants (they're slimming).

However, there is some stuff about the Large Hadron Collider that you, the general public, DO NOT know. Some secret features and uses that the Switzer-nerds haven't made public because they're selfish and think sharing is for non-Swiss losers. God, they're such dicks... Anyway, because I only care about your collective happiness, here's...

Other Junk That The Large Hadron Collider Can Do Besides Make Atoms Have Streetfights or Whatever

-It can shoot a beam of pure energy into the air, then split that beam into a thousand rays of white light that, when put to some Pink Floyd music, is just so totally amazing. The Large Hadron Collider also doubles as a bong.

-It makes Slurpees, but only the Coke flavor. Which is okay I guess but, I don't know, what if I want cherry or blue raspberry or whatever that green one was that was supposed to be like if Shrek were a Slurpee. What if I want one of THOSE flavors? Why even HAVE a Slurpee machine if you're only going to have one flavor?

-It's got a thing that's called "radar love;" it's got a line in the sky. Ooooh. Radar love. (best experienced if one has been drivin' all night, hands wet on the wheel)

-It has a name that's ONE LETTER SWAP away from being the best boner joke science ever made.

-If you put a little bit of your DNA inside the LHC, it will create an exact clone. It's not perfected yet, of course... the clones dissolve into a soft pile of sand after a few hours... but that should be long enough to trick your girlfriend into thinking that you're taking her to see that Nights in Rodanthe piece of crap when you're actually just chillin' on the couch with some Cheez-Its and a stack of Shannon Tweed flicks. She'll be pissed when "you" dissolve right as the credits roll, but... hey... at least you didn't have to sit through Richard Gere acting all hangdog in love on a beach. Ugh. The "you sent me to the movies with A CLONE" fight will soooo be worth it.

-It gets cable (but you have to pay extra for HBO).

-You know that one part in The Rocky Horror Picture Show where Richard O'Brien comes out and sings, "Frankenfurter, It's all over/Your mission was a failure, your lifestyle's too extreeeeme/I'm your new commander, you now are my prisoner/We return to Transylvania, prepare the transit beam" all David Bowie glam? The transit beam he's talking about? The Large Hadron Collider. As a bonus, the LHC can hook you up with Tim Curry if you're interested. They know each other from college.

-It vibrates A LOT, so, you know, the ladies love it.

-If you go during off-hours and you ask really nicely, the scientists will let you use the Large Hadron Collider to make copies of your house keys. It takes twelve hours and costs about six hundred million dollars, but it's worth it because those key-copy places are NEVER open when you need them.

-It causes black holes to form that will swallow up the entire universe. No, wait, it DOESN'T do that!!! Ha ha... just kidding... no black holes here... (we're fucked)