Accessories: A Pictorial
Necktie
We've discussed neckties on this site before... summation of my point: used to be anti-them, now I'm pro-them... so let's instead talk about how ties relate to funerals. If you're at a funeral and you're not too distracted by that whole grief thing... like if it's a distant relative that you heard was kind of dickhole anyway... here's a fun game you can play to kill some time before the reception. It's kind of like the Find The Hidden Pictures puzzles in Highlights Magazine, but without the Goofus & Gallant chaser. Okay, it's this: Take a good look around the room and find the guys who hardly ever dress up. You can locate them by their choice in necktie. Amid the sea of greys and blacks and respectful, muted tones, you'll see a splashy Tasmanian Devil Playing Golf print or a Salvador Dali Melting Clocks or a Keyboard or a tie that looks... in image AND shape... like a rainbow trout. Do a shot for every guy like that you find (you DID remember to sneak liquor into the funeral, right?). Parenthetically, these are the guys you're going to want to party with post-graveside service. You can draw a direct correlation from never dressing up and owning hilarious ties to knowing how to properly guzzle beer with a funnel.
Cologne
Men stink. I mean, women stink too, but not as much because they're girls DOYE and they mostly just smell like flowers and sunny days and they don't ever poop is what I hear, but anyway, yeah men... smelly fuckers. Which is why we rub ourselves down with chemicals whenever we're trying to toss game at the ladies. We're tricking you... we want you to think that we always smell like... um... whatever it is that men's cologne is supposed to smell like. A sailboat? Boot leather? Ocean water mixed with testosterone in new car called "Butch?" I dunno... whatever, though, it works. Look at me. I got a woman and I'm basically just a trashpile with legs. Attractive, masculine legs that a soccer player would kill for, but still... trashpile, with all of the odor that implies.
Watches
This is the only accessory in the post that actually does something. It has a job. It's worth the money you spend on it because it, in return, will always keep you informed as to how late, exactly, you are to your next appointment because you just HAD to stop off for your fifth iced coffee of the day... seriously, dude, there's a fine line between just wanting to be peppy and being so addicted that you tried to strangle a barista who was a little slow getting your crack rock to the pick-up station... buy yeah, watches. Good stuff. Especially now that companies aren't cramming a million extra features into them like they used to. Remember, early 90s, when you could get a watch with a calculator and a pedometer and a radio and a world map and a navigational beacon and a deep fat fryer and a girlfriend that would love you forever and God. Literally, God was a part of these watches! Because God is a part of everything, at least according to the Bible. And the Bible NEVER LIES. Especially about time-keeping devices. Cellphones kind of took over the usless crap market, and that's just fine for watches. They'll just keep doing what they do.
Earrings
The idea for earrings came about when, one day, a woman got into her husband's fishing lures and... because she had some pretty severe chemical imbalances and hadn't yet been accepted into strict, Jungian therapy... she hung them from her earlobes and ran around screaming, "Ooooh look at me I'm a pretty Christmas tree!!!" It pretty much took off from there. And you know, earrings are alright. I mean, they're pretty useless when you get right down to it, but I've seen women get all crazy for worse accessories, specifically those necklaces that are your name... because you might forget? You want to make it easier for greasy guys to hit on you? Didn't they teach you in Stranger Danger classes never to have your name where creepy dudes can see it? It only makes their stories about being a friend of your parent's more convincing. Anyway, earrings... they're fine. Just don't get crazy with it; everything in moderation. I saw a women on the subway the other day with two wooden planks the size of boogie boards hanging off her ears and I was forced to find some spray paint and scrawl on her forehead the words, "TOO MUCH!" Don't let that happen to you.
Make-Up
We've discussed neckties on this site before... summation of my point: used to be anti-them, now I'm pro-them... so let's instead talk about how ties relate to funerals. If you're at a funeral and you're not too distracted by that whole grief thing... like if it's a distant relative that you heard was kind of dickhole anyway... here's a fun game you can play to kill some time before the reception. It's kind of like the Find The Hidden Pictures puzzles in Highlights Magazine, but without the Goofus & Gallant chaser. Okay, it's this: Take a good look around the room and find the guys who hardly ever dress up. You can locate them by their choice in necktie. Amid the sea of greys and blacks and respectful, muted tones, you'll see a splashy Tasmanian Devil Playing Golf print or a Salvador Dali Melting Clocks or a Keyboard or a tie that looks... in image AND shape... like a rainbow trout. Do a shot for every guy like that you find (you DID remember to sneak liquor into the funeral, right?). Parenthetically, these are the guys you're going to want to party with post-graveside service. You can draw a direct correlation from never dressing up and owning hilarious ties to knowing how to properly guzzle beer with a funnel.
Cologne
Men stink. I mean, women stink too, but not as much because they're girls DOYE and they mostly just smell like flowers and sunny days and they don't ever poop is what I hear, but anyway, yeah men... smelly fuckers. Which is why we rub ourselves down with chemicals whenever we're trying to toss game at the ladies. We're tricking you... we want you to think that we always smell like... um... whatever it is that men's cologne is supposed to smell like. A sailboat? Boot leather? Ocean water mixed with testosterone in new car called "Butch?" I dunno... whatever, though, it works. Look at me. I got a woman and I'm basically just a trashpile with legs. Attractive, masculine legs that a soccer player would kill for, but still... trashpile, with all of the odor that implies.
Watches
This is the only accessory in the post that actually does something. It has a job. It's worth the money you spend on it because it, in return, will always keep you informed as to how late, exactly, you are to your next appointment because you just HAD to stop off for your fifth iced coffee of the day... seriously, dude, there's a fine line between just wanting to be peppy and being so addicted that you tried to strangle a barista who was a little slow getting your crack rock to the pick-up station... buy yeah, watches. Good stuff. Especially now that companies aren't cramming a million extra features into them like they used to. Remember, early 90s, when you could get a watch with a calculator and a pedometer and a radio and a world map and a navigational beacon and a deep fat fryer and a girlfriend that would love you forever and God. Literally, God was a part of these watches! Because God is a part of everything, at least according to the Bible. And the Bible NEVER LIES. Especially about time-keeping devices. Cellphones kind of took over the usless crap market, and that's just fine for watches. They'll just keep doing what they do.
Earrings
The idea for earrings came about when, one day, a woman got into her husband's fishing lures and... because she had some pretty severe chemical imbalances and hadn't yet been accepted into strict, Jungian therapy... she hung them from her earlobes and ran around screaming, "Ooooh look at me I'm a pretty Christmas tree!!!" It pretty much took off from there. And you know, earrings are alright. I mean, they're pretty useless when you get right down to it, but I've seen women get all crazy for worse accessories, specifically those necklaces that are your name... because you might forget? You want to make it easier for greasy guys to hit on you? Didn't they teach you in Stranger Danger classes never to have your name where creepy dudes can see it? It only makes their stories about being a friend of your parent's more convincing. Anyway, earrings... they're fine. Just don't get crazy with it; everything in moderation. I saw a women on the subway the other day with two wooden planks the size of boogie boards hanging off her ears and I was forced to find some spray paint and scrawl on her forehead the words, "TOO MUCH!" Don't let that happen to you.
Make-Up
Gross. I mean really... a little is okay, I guess, maybe around the eyes, but c'mon ladies... enough with the slathering it on like you're painting a house. It's just frightening. If you took a random sampling of guys... like, frat guys and rocker dudes and guys who design computer games for a living and professional athletes and balding middle-management types... and gave them a choice between a fresh-faced girl with no make-up and a girl who was wearing every color known to man on her face, I'm pretty sure the general consensus would be, "Yeah, I'll take the first one. Not really into girls that look like they just headbutted a clown." So dial it back, 'kay? Guys of the world are tired of buying new pillows because you made ours look like modern art.
posted by Clinton at 8:48 AM
5 Comments:
A bald eagle tie and Old Spice? Thank you for making my Monday morning Visually Beautiful.
Clint, you talk like you don't have to "dial down" the cobalt blue eyeliner. Jesus, save some make-up for KISS.
Surviving... It's the least I can do.
Girlfriend... You told me you like the "Liz Taylor" look!!!
Gallant was always such a bitch...
I sometimes use attractive men as accessories.
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