Thursday, June 19, 2008

Shoes: A Pictorial

Flip Flops

Newsflash, everyone: Nobody wants to look at your toes. Even if you have nice toes (you don't, but hypothetically), the general population would overwhelmingly prefer to not have them shoved in their collective faces just because you're too goddamn lazy to lace up like a normal person. Really, have you looked at toes? They're just awful. All hairy and sweaty and with crap in between them like filth pockets from the Butt-Nasty Dimension. Even beautiful girl-next-door girls with cute smiles and hair that smells good and awesome taste in movies... their toes are a thousand different kinds of horrible. So you can only imagine what the rest of us have going on down there sub-ankle. Now, having said all that, I feel that in the interest of total honesty I should tell you that I wear flip flops or sandals or whatever all motherfucking summer long. Because I am too lazy to lace up, thanks. And my toes are like disgusting miracles!

High Heels

I'll be the first to admit that high heels should be awarded all sorts of medals of valor for their work in the Pushing Women's Butts Out There field... they get the job done, consistently and thoroughly, and for that we men can't thank them enough. Unfortunately, it's time for us, as a nation, to be done with high heels. That's right... their time has passed. Why? Because they represent Sexiness Past and we are now all about Sexiness Future. Here's what I mean: Sexiness Past is what we grew up with... late-night Cinemax flicks about strippers that were really cops or hookers that were really private eyes or stewardesses that were really strippers or hookers... ZZ Top video girls, you know... big hair and arrogant make-up and neon-lit barrooms and red dresses, etc. Sexiness Past is really about hyper-stylized sexiness... cheesy-sexy, in other words. And in our Age of Irony, we can't appreciate that anymore; it's like trying to fuck an episode of Vh1's I Love The 80s. That's why we have to make giant, leaping strides towards the new era, the modern version of what is hot... Sexiness Future. We're talking high-top Converses on girls... casual ponytails and minimal-to-zero make-up and record stores lit with daylight from huge windows and soft t-shirts that get down on their knees and beg for a snuggle. It's effortless and fun and it won't hurt your feet and everyone wins because, obviously, who would you rather be with... Shannon Tweed or that girl behind the counter who can tell you all about how Hasil Adkins will change your life? It's a brave new world, kiddos. High heels... you're out.

Goth Boots

For the love of God, what is it with you people? Are broken ankles all the rage? Do bands like Slipknot and Sevendust sing about how cool it is to spend a half hour taking off your shoes because you've got to undo nineteen buckles and a combination lock? Because, even if you're TOTALLY about living the Gothic lifestyle like a total wiener, these have got to be a constant, stumbling, uncomfortable annoyance on par with always getting picked on by jocks and how your thirteen pounds of eye make-up runs down your face when you get stuck standing in the rain because your mom's boyfriend is late picking you up from school AGAIN (school is so lame, I can't wait until graduation because after that I AM SOOOO OUT OF HERE). Seriously, just get some black Vans or a pair of Sketchers and draw pentagrams on them with Wite-Out. That's totally Goth and you can still run from the Vice Principal when he catches you huffing spray paint behind the gym.

Dress Shoes

I've mentioned many times in the past how much I hate businessmen and everything they stand for and how they're all frat-house rapists who only get jobs because their Dads know a guy who knows a guy and on and on and on... well, okay, so whatever, I tend to repeat myself. Like you're so perfect. I just want you to understand my point, which is this: Businessmen are the worst kinds of people. Ever. I mean, just look at their shoes... all black and shiny and dull and formal and with those hateful, skinny laces... ugh, why don't you just wrap your BA in Business around the barrel of a Louisville Slugger and bash my brains out with it, you meaty pile of evil? Go send a memo to The Devil about how you think he's awesome. Go draw up a spreadsheet of all the ways you're wrong. Just go; your shoes make my stomach hurt like bad tacos.

Clown Shoes

Something wasn't right about this picture... like, something was missing and I couldn't put my finger on it but these clown shoes... I don't know... they just looked wrong to me. Then I figured out what it was. Clown shoes just aren't clown shoes without a light misting of arterial blood that's drifted down from a freshly slit throat. Glad I figured that out because it would have bugged me ALL day.


Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

CLinton, High heels are just sexy and if you are going to try to start some bullshit groundswell that ends up in women not wearing high heels anymore, then I dont know what, but I can tell you I am feeling queasy just thinking such a movement might come into being... SHUDDER .... Say it aint so CDog...Say it aint so... Let this one little post be all you say negative about that and then even delete it later, so it doesnt get out there in the universe...

10:46 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

it's like trying to fuck an episode of Vh1's I Love The 80s.

That's my dream! Don't you dare ruin my dream!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

I like the concept of flip flops, I just can not, and will not, wear them.

11:16 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

How do you feel about bowling shoes?

11:20 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bill... Sorry man, but all good things must come to an end. High heels, ketchup, Angelina Jolie... the New World Order is at hand!

Todd... Dream on, good sir. Dream on.

Midwesterner... You're wise to do so. I wear them because I'm awful. But you don't have to be.

Brooklyn... They're good for bowling, obviously, and they used to be good for showing a bit of wacky personality. Now, though, I think they're a bit done.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, you forgot CONVERSE? Sure you MENTIONED it, but that's not the same thing as HAVING IT AS A LISTED SHOE IN THE PICTORAL, is it now?

Ice skates as well. Those you did not even mention. They are both perfectly acceptable kinds of daily footwear. What the hell is the matter with you? This is obviously a defective entry.


11:32 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

I'm interested to hear some shoes that you DO like.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any list w/out diving flippers is incomplete.

You're nutty. I like that. I've added you to my linkroll.


1:33 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

the lady in the high heels pic has mom jeans on, i can tell.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

See what happens when we abandon fabulous traditions (like foot-binding)? Clown shoes.

She's a slippery slope, she is.

3:27 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Phoenix... There just wasn't room for every shoe in existance, sadly. But I'm sure there will be a part 2 someday; I'm not all that original or creative when you get right down to it.

Ross... The aforementioned Converse hi-top is a look that never goes out of style. I'm also a fan of hiking boots, ballet flats on girls, and any sort of shoe that's being held together with duct tape.

Sonny... Why thank you! I've always considered myself to be rather nutty, or at least shaped like a peanut. As for the diving flipper... it's useful in certain situations. Diving ones, mostly.

Andrea... And so do I!!!

3:30 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... And that slope is dripping with blood. Because of the clown shoes.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was seeing the clown shoes below and what a rare situation because when I take generic viagra I turn in a complete clown I saying a lot of funny tails.

12:45 PM  

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